Brand New Start

The fear of death follows from the fear of life.

Mark Twain

                I remember the day I got married. My father said to me as we stood waiting to walk up the aisle that I could still change my mind. He would be more than happy to go in and tell everyone we called it off.  I was shocked and worried in the same instant. I wondered what he could know that I did not or what I was not seeing. My divorce happened many years after his death. I remember thinking to myself he would be sitting up in heaven shaking his head saying, “Ruthie Ann , I told you this would not work.”

                I spent eighteen years with the same man. It was never the picture perfect marriage but I do not guess I realized how hard it had been.  When we separated the first time, I was not heartbroken I was scared to death.  Scared that I had four children to raise, scared that I had no personal income, scared because I really had no close family at that point, and scared because I believed I was too weak.  I never forget setting in the marriage counselor’s office and his saying, “you know you are the strong one right?”  I knew that man had lost his mind. I had so much to learn about myself then.

                It would take two years of problems and issues to finalize a divorce and custody agreement.  It was not so much that we fought about who would have custody but about the cost.  MONEY was the root of all the bitterness. I began to see my life as it was and not as I had through rose-colored glasses. I was emotional but mostly it was because I had lost my faith; faith in myself to carry on, faith in God, and faith in love.  I felt guilty that I did not feel more. I felt confused that I was relieved.  Looking back on it, I was not really that surprised by his infidelity.  He admitted it once.  My mistake was in believing that because I wanted to work it out he did.  In truth, I was just afraid to move on past that point ALONE.

                It would take me a while to understand that I had grieved the death of my marriage long before it actually happened.  We had been going through the motions. We had come to the point that even good appearances were not on our plate anymore.  The death certificate was just delayed by the use of extraordinary life ignoring measures.  It is honest truth is that our children were the only reason we had remained together for at least the last ten years of our marriage.  We did not want each other. As I always say though, ONLY YOU CAN SAY WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

                My story is not uncommon.  As a matter of fact, I know several women that have gone through the same problem.  I have a couple of friends that have gone through the divorces and I was honored to return the helping hands they gave me. I think you have to understand that it is like a death. We all have to go through it and mourn in our own way.  For me, I mourned it while I was still living with him.  For some it appears to come as shock.   I know women who truly felt they had beautiful marriages until they get separated or the divorce papers come. I always ask myself is that true are they shocked or is that denial?  In truth, the first time I found out about the other woman. I was hurt because I believed that was the one place he would never go because honesty was so big to him.  I can empathize to a point but in truth, there are signs and denial is powerful. But that is a whole other conversation…So moving on.

                When the dust settles and the ink dries, one very solid truth remains. You have to go on.  You are not really alone but it does require some adjustments on your part.  Inevitably, there are childish adults that find it hard to be friends with both parties and you will have to find a way to move past them with forgiveness.  You will have to find new activities that can include friends but that do not make you feel uncomfortable because you are not a “couple” anymore.  The biggest adjustment however, is to mourn the death of what was and come to acceptance of what is.  Finding joy is your here and now is a HUGE job.  The journey begins with acceptance. 

                We all have a tendency to wallow occasionally.  That is fairly normal. The truth is a good pity party can make really clear your focus.  Eat, drink, cry, throw the pillows, hit the bed, kick scream, drink too much, and/or eat all the chocolate in the house BUT SET A TIME LIMIT.  Mine is 12 hours or less.  Then take a long, soothing, hot shower or bath and sleep.  When you get up, put one foot in front of the other and move on. In truth, the other person already has. Why would let them rob you of your chance to be happy?

                You cannot dwell on what they are doing and with whom they are doing it.  It will make you absolutely nuts.  So what if they go to your favorite spot!  THAT IS OUTSIDE THE REALM OF YOUR CONTROL!!!!!. Live your life your way.   You have been given a new start. Break the bonds that hold you tied to a past that is not your future.  No, it is not easy but it is necessary.  Change is not easy because it is usually born out of pain.  If you have no kids, then maybe it is time to consider a change of scenery entirely.   You owe it to yourself to try.

                My friend Barb and I stayed in our hometown because we both had children.  Our custody arrangements decreed a certain moving radius as not to inhibit visitation.  Both of us have a magical countdown to the day they graduate.  We are often planning storage units and until we out grow the traveling bug.  Then we have the days we decide to buy islands and escape the world entirely.  Today somewhere Greek would be nice.  It definitely should include wine.  We still struggle some days with divorce crap mostly based on our children.  I am not saying everyday is a picnic.  I am not saying things never get us down or that we do not need each other’s shoulders to cry on from time to time. Every day brings something new.  We laugh, we cry, and occasionally we still fuss about them. In truth though, neither of us has been happier. 

                So, cheers!  Here is to moving on and brand new start!!!!!!!!!!!