As a child, I grew up in the care of my mentally ill mother. Her
first serious breakdown came shortly after my birth and in her mind, I believe
she equated her trouble to me, making raising me seriously difficult for her.
She seldom verbalized that issue but she actions spoke volumes. She more often than not sent me to stay with
my Grandmothers or my Aunt Vi. They were incredibly positive influences in my
life. However, they were temporary homes
and families and the message I received even when I left them was that I was
not wanted because that was the preconditioned message I got at home.
Eventually as I became a teenager, my mother kept me home
because I could work for her. So then I
began the struggle of I want to be “normal” not just work every weekend and
never have any fun. Eventually, life led me to the birth of my daughter,
Rebecca. At that point, I was 17 and too
young to raise a child. I certainly did
not want to raise her in my mother’s house so I put her up for adoption. Once again the message I got was that I was a
bad person and somehow not worthy of love.
Looking back on it now it seems only natural that I would
marry into a relationship that gave me the same messages. I was worthless. I would spend the next 20 years
having children and feeling unwanted. That had become my “NORMAL”. I had no idea how low my self-esteem was
because I never knew how to feel good about myself. I just knew that I wanted
my children to know they were loved and that they could achieve their dreams.
As a parent, I tried to instill that courage in them but I cannot lie at times,
I still feel like I failed them. That makes
all of them uncomfortable and frustrated.
Try as I might it is hard for me to explain to them and even harder for
them to understand. I take this as a
sign that I did a fairly good job giving them a solid base of healthy self
esteem.
When things go wrong, when life is hard, when I cannot seem
to make a difference, I easily take the blame because it is a notion that other
people have instilled in me my entire life. I think I have used the phrase I am
sorry more than ten other people put together.
Horrible habit truly, I taught my children to apologize differently
because I all sounded so flippant and repetitive when I heard myself say it. I
spent years apologizing for being overweight, for having a chronic kidney
disorder, for not keeping the house immaculate, for making the wrong things for
dinner, for only losing ten pounds instead of twenty. The list is infinite and in truth ridiculous.
There is a ray of sunshine. I have learned to be better to myself since my
divorce and through raising my children.
I often tell them, they saved my life literally. I cannot say that I go straight to CONFIDENCE
but the most part I have broken the bounds of self-degradation.
Last night in a bout of self-pity about my many “failures”, I
asked my dear friend Stephen, “What do you love me?”
His reply, “The list is long but
mostly because you allow me too. I mean of course, you are beautiful, caring,
loyal, and smart but most it is because you just allow me to love you.”
I replied with a simple thank you
but it occurred to me as I was laying tossing and turning in my bed what an incredible
statement that was. Something that had
not occurred to me in quite a long time, other people see in me the things I
rarely see in myself because I allow them to. They cannot possibly see things in me after
years of being friends that are not truly there. It is like my tattoo. It is faded but it remains as a permanent
symbol on my left shoulder that reminds me unless I take the time to look for
myself the beauty is hidden from my view but others can always see it.
Therefore, I guess the long story has one
simple moral. People are often the mirrors in which we see our own images. If
we choose negative situations, we will see ourselves negatively. If we choose,
positive loving situations, we will see in ourselves all the good that we have
too. In the end, though one thing
remains unchanged. The truth lies within you.
You will only see it for yourself if you take the time to look. So I challenge you to look for the good. Often, it is not easy but with due diligence you
will find it. Beauty is the soul that radiates
outward and the truest of friends and
lovers will see it in you even when you have difficulty finding it.
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