Nastygrams

Nastygrams

Those who will not reason, are bigots,

those who cannot, are fools, and

those who dare not, are slaves.

Lord Byron

This is dedicated to my friend Sharon,

Thank you for the working Idea!

         

          A few years ago as my friend Barb was getting divorced, she often referred to the email she got from her ex husband and his attorney as Nastygrams.  So named because mostly they involved maligning her character or in some way demeaning her.  I remember them being addressed to Barbie, a name she has never liked nor ever tolerated.  She wrote, "Please understand this, my friends call me Barb, my acquaintances call me Barbara, but you may call me Dr ****. " (She did give her last name but I am not using it.)   She is quite the wordsmith at times.  

          I am a  little bit city and a little bit country kind of girl.  I am fairly wise. I tend to be able to use words to make my points without too much issue.  I am fairly domestic.  I love to cook.  I can sew.  I have read everything from Lord Bryon, Mark Twain, and Poe all the way through Harry Potter series and the Twilight Saga.  I have eclectic music tastes as well diverse tastes in movies.  I have held seven course dinners with the right wines and backyard barbecues.  Now, you are all asking yourself what does this have to do with the Nastygram. Well, here is another fact about me.  I AM EXTRA FLUFFY. No matter what I say to people, the most obvious is that I am extra fluffy.  Everything else becomes some a secondary fact. I do not disguise my weight nor do I lie about it. I post my real pictures.  Most dating sites I have joined or online groups, there is always ONE person that starts the avalanche of fat jokes.  People I do not know, have not contacted, or even desired to talk too feel the need to send me the Nastygram.   My first replies are usually the same. Something along the lines, “Really, Captain Obvious, all this time I thought I was a supermodel. “  I guess I am confused about why anyone feels the need to tell me something I am so aware of personally.   Why is it such an issue period?  What size I am on the outside has no direct correlation to the person I am on the inside or the things I can, will, and do accomplish in my everyday life.  Has life truly become so superficial?

 I am going to do some incredibly bold truth here. Last year, I weighed over three hundred pounds.  In the past six months, I have lost 71 pounds.  I did it not because I was worried about my looks but in an effort to be healthier.  My dear friends have encouraged me to think about longevity.  They are demented but they really enjoy having me around.  I am so teasing them.  Interestingly enough though, people still continue to tell me I am fat.  Walking downtown the other day, a wonderful member of the younger generation, mooed at me.  Really? I turned around shaking my head and said to him, “Your parents must be so proud of the how you represent them.  I really wish I knew them I would send them my thanks.”  To which the intoxicated young man, “You fucking bitch.” 

          The interesting phenomenon is that there are 154.7 million Americans that are overweight or obese, eighty million of them are men.  Yet, women are the biggest targets.  In the spirit of honest fact, lets’ try this one.  42.9 million Americans sought counseling for substance abuse in 2010 that says nothing about the number of users that are taking drugs that go unreported and approximately half of them are under the age of eighteen.  That says we are doing an amazing job of parenting here in the United States, what do you think?  Twenty-four million people of all ages will suffered from an eating disorder in the 2010 but that has nothing to do with how much pressure we put on people about their weight issues and their appearances.  An estimated sixty percent of world-class athletes are taking skill-enhancing drugs. It is all about the win at any cost or at least until they are caught in the act.  What if we discuss the fact that one out of every four women in America will be subjected to physical abuse by an intimate partner at least once in their lifetime? Perhaps we should deliberate the issue that 50.1 million people live in a household where they are uncertain when, what, and how they will get food next.  I know, I have it!  Lets all discuss that 48.6 million people have no health care in America.  Maybe we should speak about the detail that it is estimated that one in every 10,000 people in our nation is experiencing homelessness.  None of those subjects strikes your fancy?  Then possibly, we could discuss the 1,203,564 violent crimes that took place last year.   In my humble opinion, any one of these growing problems is much more noteworthy than my weight.

The causes for weight gain are as varied as the number of people who experience it. I am fairly certain that the majority of people do not voluntarily think, I want to grow up to be obese.  Yes, we are easier to see because we weigh more.  It is not all about our eating habits though I am sure in some cases it does contribute to the problem.  None of us though needs anyone else to tell us we are overweight.  We see it every day. There are countless advertisements in a day telling us about this diet plan and that one as well as countless talks about diabetes and exercise.  It is a multibillion-dollar industry, all of which tell you the same message.  They are not telling that you are unhealthy, but that you are FAT.  It is all designed to make you believe you are broken so you will pay them to fix you. It is all about the look. You cannot possibly like yourself if you are fat.  You cannot possibly believe anyone else will like you either. YOU should hide yourself in shame until you make that magic number that somehow makes you acceptable, which by the way I am not sure what it really is.   Heck, there are skinny women, fighting to be thinner all because someone is saying the magic word fat.  Losing weight has become the popular epidemic in our country.  The problem with a blanket cure is that it rarely fits all sizes and even fewer personalities. Losing weight will not magically fix your self-esteem.  Losing weight will not magically make you feel wanted and loved. The sad but ugly truth is that losing weight is really only a small part of the battle.  I know the commercials tell you how wonderful you will feel about yourself when you can wear a smaller size, sadly it is all a lie.  You have to want to feel better about you.  You have to do all the mental work as well as the physical.  Beauty arrived in vision alone will end with the weight gained back or the new crisis in your life. 

“If you are a woman, if you're a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are a person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world.

...And it's going to be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere. Especially women's and gay men's culture. It's all about how you have to look a certain way or else you're worthless. You know when you look in the mirror and you think 'oh, I'm so fat, I'm so old, I'm so ugly', don't you know, that's not your authentic self? But that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself so that you will take your hard earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around creme that doesn't turn around shit.

When you don't have self-esteem you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really wanna go for, you will hesitate to ask for a raise, you will hesitate to call yourself an American, you will hesitate to report a rape, you will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote, you will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution and our revolution is long overdue.”

― Margaret Cho

          Everyone has his or her issues.  Some of them are hidden from sight for a great length of time, others not so much.  Yes, I am fluffy. Yes, I need to work on it for my health.  BUT, and this is a huge BUT,  it is my singular problem to work on and unless you have some positive influence to make then please, feel free to keep your opinions to yourself and do not waste my time sending Nastygrams.  They belittle you truly.  If you want to help, then walk with a friend.  Suggest a place for a healthy meal at lunch instead of fast food, high calories.  Listen when they talk.  Be a true friend; tell them you love them for who they are no matter what size.  Stop being so selfish that you cannot see the destruction your words and attitudes have on those around you.  No one loses weight by nastiness.  The whole concept of shaming someone into losing weight does not work. It only creates a huge rift in communication. It isolates people and separates them from the help they are looking for in others.

          Life is short and before you know it, we are all gone.  I want my legacy to my children and my friends to be love and unconditional acceptance. Hate and bitterness only accomplish to deplete you and the people around you.  We all have our own sins.  You work on yours, and I will work on mine. I am quite capable of pulling weeds in my own yard. I hope you will learn to pull yours instead.  We all need to learn to coexist together.  Live and let live.  Concentrate on healing and helping instead of hurting and hating.