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                There are days when I think giving up on life would be far easier than living it. Days when I am not sure, I have value or anything valuable to offer.   Tonight is one of those times.   I do not know what to say or do.  When I think I have an answer someone throws me another curve ball.

                Normally, I think I try to offer wise advice and try to see things in a positive light. I think it is far easier to see the negative in life than to be optimistic.  I feel uncertain in a world where everyone else seems to have a different opinion.  Does that make me wrong? Does it mean that I missed the problem? They are questions I do not have answers for at this point.  Perhaps I am wrong.  Perhaps I am missing what everyone else sees. Maybe it is that I am looking too hard for something good that I have over looked the obvious. I just do not know.

                I hate the chaos in my head and even more I hate that I feel stupid and ill equipped to for the fight.  It is interesting how quickly self-doubt takes root.  It is hard to feel like I am fighting the tide.   I wonder if a singular struggle or it is something we all face.  All I can tell you is that I am tired and tearful.

                If I have been wrong, I apologize.  I tried and sometimes no matter how well intentioned you are, you still fail.  I am not making excuses just explanations.   I wish there was some burning bush that gave me a sign. Hell, I would settle for a post it note during these moments.  Love is hard work even with friends.  I think I have tried to be a good friend but maybe I should talk less and listen more.  

                I wish I could say tomorrow will be different. I wish I knew with certainty that the answer would be more cut and dried.  I wish I could say this is it and the only answer but I do not know those things.  I am not the smartest person in the room. I am even the best person in the room. I am just me. Most days I have feel I have semi useful things to contribute but maybe the person that I am fooling is me.

I just do not know.  Some days there are far more questions than solutions.  Some days there are far more thoughts than brilliance. While I know I am not alone, some days it certainly feels like a lonely struggle.

Goodnight chaos. May tomorrow bring a fresh light or post it note at least because I am far too tired to find my way through.