Advice Shopping

I often write a lot about how much words matter.  Words can never be taken back really. You can apologize and you can ask them to ignore them but in truth you can never unheard or unread them.  I find hysterically funny when a judge orders a jury to disregard what they have seen or heard.  It is a bit like asking the sun to set in the east and rise in the west for a couple of days just because we are feeling different.  Therefore, even though at times, truth is hard to tell and leaves you feeling like an ogre, it is the best course of action.  At times in life, I have avoided saying things deliberately to avoiding hurting others, which in truth is a bit like lying.  I used to say it was a necessary evil.  In actuality, it is my way of avoiding telling a truth I think will cause upset or be misunderstood no matter how hard I try to find the right way to say what I am thinking. I developed an even more annoying habit of asking, do you want me to tell you the truth.  Well, duh, no they want you to lie to them.  Seriously, that was is one of the few questions on my dumb list.  I realized telling the truth was easy, dealing with the plethora of outcomes, not so much.  So, my current policy has been to warn people upfront that I commonly known for outbursts of blatant, blunt truth telling. I am very patient and understanding when I am offering sympathy but for me that is a different path than advice.  Sympathy is comfort  given in horrible situations. Advice is wisdom meant to help us move on from or make sense of a given situation.

      When we seek advice, we call people we trust. What do we really want to hear when we ask the hard questions? ADVICE SHOPPING… It is newly acquired term given to me by friend Stephen.  He is always has the gentle way of discerning a truth for me when I am in serious meltdown or overly emotional.  He has the way of weeding out all the junk to find the heart of situation at hand. It is so frustrating when I ask him and he answers by asking me another question.  At the end though, I know he will have led me to the right path while allowing me to think I found it all by myself.   My friend, Darrel, he has a different approach altogether. He is a very dominant, alpha male. He says okay you did it the other way and it did not work, now do it the way I told you and see if that is not the right solution. Regrettably, he is right. However I do have to stomp my foot occasionally just for effect. My friend Barb, she is the gentle soul and while she is very strong she tends to take the less controversial way through the muck and mire.  They all provide wise, insightful, trustworthy advice but whom I turn too is sometimes based on my ability to hear what has to be said.

     Often, I know in my heart what has to be done or how to get through the given situation but I go shopping for reassurance. I look to people I trust to tell me if I have gone off the reservation.  I do not usually look for sympathy but an honest answer.  I am not sure I can always hear the truth though or that I want to hear that particular truth.  I then go shopping for more advice.  The wheel of life turned and turned.  However, I got a flat. I realized that hearing the same advice twice did not negate the truth I already knew or change my course of action usually.  I was wasting time on extended shopping trips instead of quietly listening and acting accordingly.

     We all do it from time to time though.  We want someone to explain how the person we loved could cheat on us and break our hearts.  We want someone to explain why it is you seem continually be failing when you are trying so hard to succeed. We want someone to help us find our way out of the chaos and into the calm.  During times of struggle, it is not easy to accept what one might hear and often we will discount it and continue shopping. More than likely, we are the problem not the advice.

The question you need to ask yourselves is simple and complicated.  If I trusted that person enough to ask, then why I am unwilling to accept the advice they offer.  Most likely, it is because I desire a different answer than the one that is offered.  That does not make that person less right or less wise. It only makes us close-minded. We should not ask the question if we are not ready for the answer.   

The other side of the coin is even more harrowing though.  Who wants to be the person that say, yeah you look fat in those pants. NO ONE, that is who. It is hard to deliver painful insight. It is far easier to say, oh you look cute or nothing at all.  In the end, though if you think in terms of what you want in your relationship, you will find that no matter how difficult the truth is to tell or even to hear that person is much more valuable in your life than the one that throws platitudes at you.  I would rather hear a truth even an ugly one and know that person will be there to dry my tears or bring me chocolate. In return, I want to be that person too.

     I remember telling my friend, Barb when she filed for divorce that my best advice is to imagine the worst case scenario then multiply by ten and you probably are not even there yet.  She did not want to hear that but in the end, she admitted it was probably the truest advice she got.

      We all want to believe we are helpful and often we become so helpful that unsolicited advice flows like the river overflowing its banks during a flood.  Those people while well intentioned are seldom heeded. Though I readily admit, I have a tendency to go there with my kids and adopted family.  I have great intentions, my heart is pure, and I really just want keep them from falling down.  The reality is that if they do not ask then they are not seeking guidance nor do they really want it. 

Marissa is a young woman I met several years ago.  She had a darling young toddler girl.  There was a incident that alarmed me greatly.  Try as I might to reach her, she did not want to believe me.  We drifted apart.  I was very sad when I would run across her pictures and that time and I often wondered how things turned out for her.  Not long ago she found me on Facebook. She apologized and asked if we could start again.  Last night when were discussing how empty the house feels without all of them around, she offered me a cyber hug but more than that she said these words.

“I know but I'll let you know I've been through heart ache betrayal let downs I may have let my kids see too much but through all of it I've always thought about you and what you would say. You have seen me through things you will never even know. You are one of the few best people I have ever known so I hope it is a powerful hug you feel right now because I love you sooooo much!!!”

     My heart was so touched. I had many happy tears. It was one of the few times in life that I fully realized the impact that I had on the people around me.  Please, do not think I am breaking my arm patting myself on the back because it is not like that.  It was just reassuring to know that while initially the path was hard and it caused a painful separation, love found the voice that changed her life. That is all I really wanted, for her to know that out of love, I believe I had to speak up.  I did not want to be correct; I just wanted to save her from harm. In the end, I might have done that for her future.

      So go advice shopping, ask your friends the tough questions but expect as a friend that they will you the truth. If you are shopping for sympathy, anyone one can offer a shoulder. Try to remember that they are far different entities, advice and sympathy.  So truthfully ask yourself what you are really seeking in the answer before you ask.  Most are more willing to offer the tissue that to cause you more grief by telling you the truth. If you are the adviser, take a moment before you jump into the hot water and be sure your motives are true to your friend and not selfish.  No one wants to hear, I told you so.  Be constructive. Be truthful. Remember not to be hurt if that person cannot hear what you have to say, maybe they just are not ready.  If you find out that your advice was poor for any reason, be the bigger person and apologize.  We all have a different voice to offer and a different way to offer it.  It may not always be the outcome you expect but time has a way of working things out.