Attention Seeking Behavior

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
Winston Churchill

         

          Nothing makes me more frustrated in a day and quicker than one of my children, especially my youngest.  He has this odd habit of harping on the same subject for what really feels like eternity.   He will bring up the same subject a hundred times in a row if you allow it.  He does not mean to be frustrating.   He just truthfully does not understand that he is doing it, unless we tell him.  Therefore, in an effort to streamline the process before it was frustrating, we adopted one simple sentence: Attention Seeking Behavior.  When he hears it, he becomes acutely aware that he is creating an issue that will end in my frustration and his.  Some days, I use it a lot.  I  have found that throughout the day on Face Book and in real life I catch myself biting my tongue to not say it to someone I am talking with or back spacing it on someone’s status.  I found that its simplistic value applies to so many things in life and far too many people. 

          We all have that friend who we know whether subconsciously or not they tend to think the world is all about them.  They take your criticisms as some HUGE slant on their lives or heaven forbid, you might simply choose to ignore them and their current situation.  If you say something they do not want to hear then you have created an even bigger problem. It is the proverbial catch twenty-two.  At that point, I just want to say (and probably have) I cannot read your dizzy little mind so please, tell me what is the correct solution at this point.  It is without a doubt of attention seeking behavior.   It is personal manipulation. 

          In the case of my children, I have seen it taking many forms.  One of them is fond of video chatting on Skype and the whole conversation revolves around his current state of affairs and his marriage.  Even on Mother’s Day when we talked, he did not ask how I was feeling or what my plans were for the day.  He asked if I had sent his package yet.  We talked about his upcoming plans.  He told me all about gifts he bought for his wife and her mother.  He told me all about an upcoming safari he wanted to take.  He told me all about his plans to buy another car when he got home to have a project with his dad.  In forty-five minutes, he had not even said Happy Mother’s day. 

          I felt small and unimportant.  As the conversation continued, he told me that he could not really send me a card because he was too busy.  Later, after some other report about his wife and her family, he told me really I came in a distant second these days.  I was so glad to hang up.  I spent a good fraction of time that afternoon crying in my room. I was angrier with myself for not having simply declared it all to be attention seeking behavior.   Instead, I left him off the hook.

          Later in separate conversations with my friends Barb and Stephen, I became acutely aware of the fact that while my frustration with the matter was valid, in truth, my unwillingness to deal with the situation had only encourage it to happen repeatedly.  It was not something I wanted to hear from either of them.  I was really looking for a more sympathetic approach like we will kick him in the shins for you. However, true friends should always be the person that tells you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.   I have taken a few days away to really contemplate the question.  Truth being truth, they are right.

          Never once did I stand up for myself, not once did I say that his attitude bothered me, and I did not really express how upset that he could not even take five minutes to send and ecard.   Maybe for some, this will appear to be a petty thing. I just find it symptomatic of a larger thought process of a genuine lack of respect or empathy to someone else.  Selfishness is not a pretty persona on anyone.

          I know that while they were growing up, I attempted to teach them to be involved with the others around them.  I tried to instill in them the fact that you should put others before yourself. I think they learned the lesson with everyone but me.  I think the signal got lost when it came to dealing with me.  I wonder if that is not partially because I did not have much respect for myself.  I think also in my part that my darling daughter enabled them to do nothing by taking up the gauntlet to do it all.  She has for many years just collected money from them to pitch in for a gift.   She did the shopping and she tracked them down to sign the card.  In the end, they took as much credit for the gift as she did when in truth, there would have been nothing if she had not done something. This was not about a gift or the lack of one. It was purely for me at least, a slap in the proverbial face that said he could care less about me. I also wonder if this is not partially the difference between men and women.  Women tend to be more nurturing than men.  I do not mean to cast disparaging remarks toward as a gender, just a generalization that most will agree is true.   

          I will own my part in this scenario.  I love my son.  He is a good man but in truth I have allowed our relationship to become dysfunctional by  tolerating behavior that is upsetting to me.  I cannot change the situation if I do nothing.  It reminded me of a story that a wonderful man I dated years ago told my daughter as a young teenage girl.  
          One day while we were going to the car, she reached for the handle.  He said wait just a minute I will be right there to open the door.  Instead, she once again reached for the handle and attempted to open it knowing she was quite capable of opening her own door. At this point, he locked the door with his remote. He related this tale to her.

          “I always told my daughters when they were growing up that every boy should open doors for them.  It is a sign of respect.  My rule was simple if he did not open the car door for her and that it was her responsibility to show she expected to that type of respect from the beginning.  She was instructed to stand and wait until they came to open that door.  If they did not come, that was a young man that she should not get into a car with because he would not respect her later either. In time, both my daughters came to see that this scenario withstood the test of time and rang true every time.”

          I had forgotten the moral.  I had forgotten to wait for the proverbial door to be opened because in my mind, I was capable of doing it for myself.   The ugly truth is simple, I cannot complain about a situation if I am unwilling to be a part of the solution. While in the instance of Mother’s day, my daughter took up the gauntlet and sent a seething email to her brother.  His reaction was nasty to her but he did send an ecard.  While I am grateful to have gotten it, the simple truth remains, I needed to be the person that spoke up.

          It is difficult sometimes to tell people we love that they are frustrating.  It is difficult when you need to talk and it is all about them. No one really wants to rock the boat especially if you know it will make navigating the sea ever more complicated but if we never do it then we are complacent in designing our own destiny.   We all have times of self-pity and woe that we need to share.  We all have times we need a helping hand.  We all have times when we are selfish. Those are all normal things. It does not make you a bad person. However, it makes you a better person when you can stand up to a friend or a loved one and in the spirit of caring say to them, ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR. 

          In every relationship, there are moments when one has to wait for the door to be opened for them. It is a sign that you respect yourself and that you value the other individual. The same is in reverse for them.  When you say nothing and enable the same old behavior, you cannot expect them to see the need to change.  Only through constructive criticism can you expect them to comprehend your feelings.   So I offer you this, spend more time waiting on your door to be opened for you, it will only enrich your relationships with others as well as with yourself.  When they fail to open that door, remember if they do not do it now, they will not the next time either.  The revolution starts inside you. EXPECT TO BE RESPECTED.