Brand New Start

The fear of death follows from the fear of life.

Mark Twain

                I remember the day I got married. My father said to me as we stood waiting to walk up the aisle that I could still change my mind. He would be more than happy to go in and tell everyone we called it off.  I was shocked and worried in the same instant. I wondered what he could know that I did not or what I was not seeing. My divorce happened many years after his death. I remember thinking to myself he would be sitting up in heaven shaking his head saying, “Ruthie Ann , I told you this would not work.”

                I spent eighteen years with the same man. It was never the picture perfect marriage but I do not guess I realized how hard it had been.  When we separated the first time, I was not heartbroken I was scared to death.  Scared that I had four children to raise, scared that I had no personal income, scared because I really had no close family at that point, and scared because I believed I was too weak.  I never forget setting in the marriage counselor’s office and his saying, “you know you are the strong one right?”  I knew that man had lost his mind. I had so much to learn about myself then.

                It would take two years of problems and issues to finalize a divorce and custody agreement.  It was not so much that we fought about who would have custody but about the cost.  MONEY was the root of all the bitterness. I began to see my life as it was and not as I had through rose-colored glasses. I was emotional but mostly it was because I had lost my faith; faith in myself to carry on, faith in God, and faith in love.  I felt guilty that I did not feel more. I felt confused that I was relieved.  Looking back on it, I was not really that surprised by his infidelity.  He admitted it once.  My mistake was in believing that because I wanted to work it out he did.  In truth, I was just afraid to move on past that point ALONE.

                It would take me a while to understand that I had grieved the death of my marriage long before it actually happened.  We had been going through the motions. We had come to the point that even good appearances were not on our plate anymore.  The death certificate was just delayed by the use of extraordinary life ignoring measures.  It is honest truth is that our children were the only reason we had remained together for at least the last ten years of our marriage.  We did not want each other. As I always say though, ONLY YOU CAN SAY WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

                My story is not uncommon.  As a matter of fact, I know several women that have gone through the same problem.  I have a couple of friends that have gone through the divorces and I was honored to return the helping hands they gave me. I think you have to understand that it is like a death. We all have to go through it and mourn in our own way.  For me, I mourned it while I was still living with him.  For some it appears to come as shock.   I know women who truly felt they had beautiful marriages until they get separated or the divorce papers come. I always ask myself is that true are they shocked or is that denial?  In truth, the first time I found out about the other woman. I was hurt because I believed that was the one place he would never go because honesty was so big to him.  I can empathize to a point but in truth, there are signs and denial is powerful. But that is a whole other conversation…So moving on.

                When the dust settles and the ink dries, one very solid truth remains. You have to go on.  You are not really alone but it does require some adjustments on your part.  Inevitably, there are childish adults that find it hard to be friends with both parties and you will have to find a way to move past them with forgiveness.  You will have to find new activities that can include friends but that do not make you feel uncomfortable because you are not a “couple” anymore.  The biggest adjustment however, is to mourn the death of what was and come to acceptance of what is.  Finding joy is your here and now is a HUGE job.  The journey begins with acceptance. 

                We all have a tendency to wallow occasionally.  That is fairly normal. The truth is a good pity party can make really clear your focus.  Eat, drink, cry, throw the pillows, hit the bed, kick scream, drink too much, and/or eat all the chocolate in the house BUT SET A TIME LIMIT.  Mine is 12 hours or less.  Then take a long, soothing, hot shower or bath and sleep.  When you get up, put one foot in front of the other and move on. In truth, the other person already has. Why would let them rob you of your chance to be happy?

                You cannot dwell on what they are doing and with whom they are doing it.  It will make you absolutely nuts.  So what if they go to your favorite spot!  THAT IS OUTSIDE THE REALM OF YOUR CONTROL!!!!!. Live your life your way.   You have been given a new start. Break the bonds that hold you tied to a past that is not your future.  No, it is not easy but it is necessary.  Change is not easy because it is usually born out of pain.  If you have no kids, then maybe it is time to consider a change of scenery entirely.   You owe it to yourself to try.

                My friend Barb and I stayed in our hometown because we both had children.  Our custody arrangements decreed a certain moving radius as not to inhibit visitation.  Both of us have a magical countdown to the day they graduate.  We are often planning storage units and until we out grow the traveling bug.  Then we have the days we decide to buy islands and escape the world entirely.  Today somewhere Greek would be nice.  It definitely should include wine.  We still struggle some days with divorce crap mostly based on our children.  I am not saying everyday is a picnic.  I am not saying things never get us down or that we do not need each other’s shoulders to cry on from time to time. Every day brings something new.  We laugh, we cry, and occasionally we still fuss about them. In truth though, neither of us has been happier. 

                So, cheers!  Here is to moving on and brand new start!!!!!!!!!!!

Bullying

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.
Eleanor Roosevelt

                Since his birth, my youngest son, JBear has been the picture of love. He can make you smile on your darkest days. No matter how angry he gets or how frustrated with someone, he is the first to rush to apology.  For him, it is not about who did wrong but about preserving the relationship.  He is smiling and happy.  He is quick to offer help to those around him. He is even quicker to offer his praise and thanks to people for their actions. I have often envied these traits.  Every day he teaches me the meaning of love.

                He is by appearance this incredibly tall, thin young man that looks a bit on the geeky side.  He chatters incessantly, is constantly inquisitive, and like most teenagers has the kid slang down to a tee.  He has a bit of a pronunciation problem when he speaks too fast for instance Kyrie (his sister) is Kywi just so you understand her name is actually articulated as eerie with a K.  He is extraordinarily personable and can strike up a conversation with anyone at any time.

There is also another undeniable truth about Jbear.  He is essentially labeled as handicapped.  He has severe learning disabilities.  He has extreme Attention Deficit Disorder (the scans say about 99%).  He has auditory processing disorder.  Just in case that was not enough, he has memory recall disabilities. He was in enclosed classrooms eight-seven percent of this day throughout grade school and middle school.  In Junior high school, he was put into a regular class schedule with special circumstances. In high school, he has continued this type of routine.  Often his classes are smaller and contain mostly other learning impaired kids. 

                 Due to his disabilities, he is now and always has been a huge target for bullies. Ridicule about his size.  Being six foot five inches tall and one hundred twenty-five pounds makes you stand out in the crowd.  Obviously, his disabilities and capabilities add to this.  The poor kid might as well have a neon flashing sign on his back that says bully me.  An unfortunate truth is that kids are cruel.  Try as I might though to save him and protect him, I cannot keep the world from injuring him.  We talk all the time about letting things go and not listening but his innocent heart and mind, he cannot imagine intentionally hurting someone else so he cannot fathom why they behave that way toward him.

                 I have been doing some investigation work and I want to provide you with some staggering statistics.  According To The Bureau Of Justice School Bullying and Cyberbullying statistics Study:

§  1 out of 4 kids are Bullied.

§  77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, & physically. Cyberbullying statistics are rapidly approaching similar numbers, with 43% experiencing cyberbullying.

§  Of the 77% of students that said they had been bullied, 14% of those who were bullied said they experienced severe (bad) reactions to the abuse.

§  1 in 5 students admit to being a bully, or doing some "Bullying."

§  Each day 160,000 students miss school for fear of being bullied.

§  43% of kids fear harassment in the bathroom at school.

§  Playground school bullying statistics - Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%.

I have tried to process what that means to me. I feel so many mixed emotions about these statistics.  It raises so many more questions for me than answers.  The first being that as adults, are we the precipitating factor in the encouragement of bullying? Are we failing to educate in our children that while you have the right to stand up for yourself and your causes with respect for others?  Or truly are we teaching them it does not matter if others are hurt by our words and actions as long as we are validated in our actions?  Peaceful protesting has given way to hate. I do not think today’s causes are any less volatile than those to the generations before us but I do feel that the notion of freedom of speech has taken on a disparaging tone.  I find it harder and harder to forgive those trespasses.

I often write pieces with the theme that words matter but I think it is so much more than that, PARENTING MATTERS.  In our fast paced, fast food society, we have a responsibility to not only talk to our children about boundaries and respect but as parents we have live the example.  If we as adults speak to our children with hate or our children are allowed to be party to our hate oriented activities, they will glean from us that hate and bullying are acceptable behaviors.   As responsible parents, it is our duty to talk to our children about healthy responses to negative stimuli.  It is our duty to ask them about their environments and friends.

Talk to your children about bullying. Ask them, if they have been bullied at school or online.  Talk them about the actions and words they use to see if they are aware that something they have done could be considered bullying.  The best offense to the fight against bullying begins at home. It is our responsibility to teach our children decent human values.  If you think your child is a bully, seek appropriate help from a counselor.  If you believe that you are in a relationship with an adult bully and it could be affecting your home life, then please, act responsibly no matter how fearful you are and seek help.  NEVERTHELESS, PLEASE, WAKE UP AND TAKE A STAND, OUR CHILDREN ARE THE ONES THAT PAY.  HELP MAKE THE WORLD BETTER, TALK TO THEM, AND TEACH THEM, IT IS THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.  No Child should fear going to school to learn.  Every child should feel protected by the adults in charge.  Make a difference.

First Impressions

I influence anybody who is able to get through the chaos of my first impression.
Gary Vaynerchuk

                I have seen a post on Facebook several times in the last couple of weeks supposedly made by a doctor complaining about Medicaid.  He is complaining about how the patient dresses so well but the person is on Medicaid.   Another, picturing a extra fluffy woman in a revealing dress published to make people laugh at her. The comments under these posts were disturbing to me.  A Doctor (maybe or maybe not) and a college professor (again questionable), their titles alone seem to make their words and thoughts more valuable.  In truth for me, it made them smaller people regardless of their educational background or professional standings.

                I have met some great people in my lifetime and some not so great people. I know doctors, lawyers, dentists, and teachers that are liars, adulterers, and truly miserable human beings. They dress well.  They have lots of money.  They live in big homes and drive fancy cars. When you first meet them or you know them vaguely, they seem like good people and their titles automatically win a certain respect.  Just beneath the surface, though there is a completely different person you have yet to grasp.

                On the other hand, I know mechanics, factory workers, restaurant workers, and stay at home parents that are phenomenal.  They are usually covered in their mess of their jobs. They drive a beater and live on the “wrong” side of town.  Their belongings are run of the mill.  They count their pennies. They are laugh too loud and work a lot.  They build their lives on faith, honesty, and strong moral values.

                In all honesty, neither of these scenarios though is a complete truth.  It really depends on the person.  My best friend of twenty-two years is an anesthesiologist.  She is an incredible person, one my truest confidants.  Another is used to do IT but recently left the world of cubicles to start a martial arts school.  Still another is a farmer.   They are not my friends because of what they do but who they are.  I know when I am down, when I need to share my great news, or even when I just need to chat, they will be there for me.

                The point is simple you cannot take everything by a glance or a first impressions or limited contact.  To me at least, a doctor that would disparage his patient says to me that he is not truly into medicine to treat patients but for the paycheck to fund his playtime and life expenses.  He broke the oath he swore to uphold, “Do harm to no one.” Not to mention, it is an ethical violation to talk about your patient openly.  Is that really a person you would trust with your life and health? You would not wonder what he says about you when you leave his office?

                Let us consider that patient.  She was on Medicaid and dressed well.  Maybe she is unemployed and needed health care.  Maybe she bought the clothes at good will or wore her only good  outfit to the doctor’s office. In the end, does it matter? In my humble opinion, resoundingly NO!!!! She was there to be treated for her medical issue and she deserved the same respect as any other patient regardless of her medical insurance.

                So, the woman in the dress, okay, I admit as an extra fluffy woman myself, I would not have chosen that dress but that is based on my personal style choice. I admire that she had the self-confidence to wear what she wanted. It is hard when you are a woman of size to find positive feedback.  It is splendid that she has put away the negative and found a life that is her own above all the whispering, finger pointing condemnation that surrounds her.  I say more power to her and  I applaud her for her positive influence on other women of size.

                If all you ever see in a person is the surface, then you are in for a sad, disappointing life. The images change in time and with life. The beauty queen ages, the skinny girl puts on weight, and popular girl   becomes just another face.  Fate and karma can be cruel.  You have to learn to look inside.  Go past the outside coverings and titles.  I think first impressions are chaotic and they give me mixed messages.  As time goes by and I get to know a person, I find a path that either leads me to dismiss a person because they do not really add anything positive to my life or to a path that I want to know them more and more.  There are people that come and go because they were a season fling.  The people that come and stay are the people that I have an intimate, caring relationship with and time only makes it stronger.

                Most bad impressions are truly based on your prejudices and your causes.  Try to remember, not one other person in the world will have all the exact same likes and dislikes.   It is what makes the world turn. I have a girlfriend that will purposely not dress up, not wear makeup and not do anything special with her hair when she went out on a first date.  She said that if they could take the everyday her then they would be worthy of a second date.  She wanted to her first impressions to be the real her not an artificial image designed to look good. The real is what is left when you are done putting all your best on and it will still be there in the end.   I feel you learn more when you are less judgmental and more open.  Life is about using all the crayons in the box. 

The Eternal Quest for Self-Esteem…

          

             As a child, I grew up in the care of my mentally ill mother. Her first serious breakdown came shortly after my birth and in her mind, I believe she equated her trouble to me, making raising me seriously difficult for her. She seldom verbalized that issue but she actions spoke volumes. She more often than not sent me to stay with my Grandmothers or my Aunt Vi.   They were incredibly positive influences in my life.  However, they were temporary homes and families and the message I received even when I left them was that I was not wanted because that was the preconditioned message I got at home. 

             Eventually as I became a teenager, my mother kept me home because I could work for her.  So then I began the struggle of I want to be “normal” not just work every weekend and never have any fun. Eventually, life led me to the birth of my daughter, Rebecca.  At that point, I was 17 and too young to raise a child.  I certainly did not want to raise her in my mother’s house so I put her up for adoption.  Once again the message I got was that I was a bad person and somehow not worthy of love.

             Looking back on it now it seems only natural that I would marry into a relationship that gave me the same messages.  I was worthless. I would spend the next 20 years having children and feeling unwanted. That had become my “NORMAL”.  I had no idea how low my self-esteem was because I never knew how to feel good about myself. I just knew that I wanted my children to know they were loved and that they could achieve their dreams. As a parent, I tried to instill that courage in them but I cannot lie at times, I still feel like I failed them.  That makes all of them uncomfortable and frustrated.  Try as I might it is hard for me to explain to them and even harder for them to understand.  I take this as a sign that I did a fairly good job giving them a solid base of healthy self esteem.

When things go wrong, when life is hard, when I cannot seem to make a difference, I easily take the blame because it is a notion that other people have instilled in me my entire life. I think I have used the phrase I am sorry more than ten other people put together.  Horrible habit truly, I taught my children to apologize differently because I all sounded so flippant and repetitive when I heard myself say it. I spent years apologizing for being overweight, for having a chronic kidney disorder, for not keeping the house immaculate, for making the wrong things for dinner, for only losing ten pounds instead of twenty.  The list is infinite and in truth ridiculous. There is a ray of sunshine. I have learned to be better to myself since my divorce and through raising my children.  I often tell them, they saved my life literally.  I cannot say that I go straight to CONFIDENCE but the most part I have broken the bounds of self-degradation. 

            Last night in a bout of self-pity about my many “failures”, I asked my dear friend Stephen, “What do you love me?”

            His reply, “The list is long but mostly because you allow me too. I mean of course, you are beautiful, caring, loyal, and smart but most it is because you just allow me to love you.”

            I replied with a simple thank you but it occurred to me as I was laying tossing and turning in my bed what an incredible statement that was.  Something that had not occurred to me in quite a long time, other people see in me the things I rarely see in myself because I allow them to.  They cannot possibly see things in me after years of being friends that are not truly there. It is like my tattoo.  It is faded but it remains as a permanent symbol on my left shoulder that reminds me unless I take the time to look for myself the beauty is hidden from my view but others can always see it.  

            Therefore, I guess the long story has one simple moral. People are often the mirrors in which we see our own images. If we choose negative situations, we will see ourselves negatively. If we choose, positive loving situations, we will see in ourselves all the good that we have too.   In the end, though one thing remains unchanged. The truth lies within you.  You will only see it for yourself if you take the time to look.  So I challenge you to look for the good.  Often, it is not easy but with due diligence you will find it.  Beauty is the soul that radiates outward  and the truest of friends and lovers will see it in you even when you have difficulty finding it.

Changes....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

              

              I have a dear friend, Barb.  She is a doctor and by profession and personality she is a planner, and very logical.  Her job demands that she think past the moment to all the eventual probable outcomes.  She is successful in her profession.  Her reason and planning skills are amazing especially to me as I admit having little need for organization past the outline of a novel (which in real truth, I very seldom ever use but do anyway) and a calendar of what days my son goes to visit his father.  However, she extends her reasoning and planning skills to her everyday life as well.  Sometimes flying by the seat of your pants is the best you can do in life’s grand scheme.

                I liken the calendar of life to the OR schedule.   Generally, surgeons will call and make an appointment for a patient to have his procedure done.  However, any number of variables can cause a case to be cancelled and potentially rescheduled.  Just as many unknown factors can add to the schedule. In truth, what you have a general plan and only time and the day will tell how it will really play out.  This is the story of life’s calendar.

                You can plot and plan to your heart’s desire.  Some of them will come to fruition. Others will not. While it would be incredibly useful and delightful for all our plans to go off as they are set too, life just does not work that way.  My thought is simply this, LIVE life do not plan it.   You waste your time trying to reschedule your time.  You cannot be happy if you are so busy fretting about all the what if’s that you are missing out on the moments.  It all goes by so fast.  The kids grow up and move out, some of them faster, some of them slower.  You cannot be so set in your plan that you have no room for adaptations.  Remember there are few things in life that cannot be rescheduled except life itself. 

Choices

The principle difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep there.

~ Lois McMaster Bujold

                I think the best description of me is that I am eclectic.   In case, you do not know the meaning I will save you the trip to the dictionary.  It is a noun meaning a person who derives ideas, styles, or tastes from a broad and diverse range of sources.  I have friends that are Americans and others born in foreign lands.  I have heterosexual friends, gay friends, and some that are bisexual.  I have Christian friends, a friend that is a Buddhist, a couple which practice Wicca, and even some that are Atheists. I have some that brightest minds and some that are not the sharpest crayons in the box.  I know professionals that make lots of money and some that make a living. That in my eyes is the heaven part. 

                Growing up, I lived with a mother that said I love you but usually only as she was sending me away to stay with relatives because she had not time to spend and in truth, even if she had it did not really want to spend it with me.  I grew up thinking that criticism and absence was a form of love, so I developed relationships with men where I was treated that way. I spent the first half of my life with one single prayer in my head. “Please let me be loved.”  Every day, I prayed and every day I tried hard to feel that way but the next morning once again, I would utter the prayer having realized I never quite got to the goal line.  That in my eyes was the hell part.

                I always give young people the same advice that my Daddy gave me. It is what you make it. Some days it will be the worst hell you can imagine and others the best slice of heaven.  It is a great truth.  If you choose to love people not because they fit into the perfect mold but because they enrich your life and bring you joy. Then you choose wisely. That choice will in turn enrich you and your life. If you choose people that tear down you down and find great fault in who you are. Then you choose poorly and then that choice will leave feeling empty.  .  Love does not mean perfection it simply means that you care enough to forgive the wrongs and work toward a happier place. It means you try hard even when you do not want to try at all.  The bad in humanity is ever so much easier to see because it is readily apparent.  Anger, judgment, and bitterness easily take over and consume you.  You can spend a lifetime justifying them with faith and righteousness. In the end, it all comes back to one thing; it is your choice to make.

Shades of Gray

When I was young and foolish, I only ever saw the world as black and white, either it was right or wrong, good or bad, or smart or stupid. Then I grew up and as I traveled the road of Life I realized how truly complicated life can be at times. Bad things happen to good people. The smartest of us can make stupid decisions. Some times you have to do the wrong things for the right reasons. Everyday, I struggle with narrow minded people who either because of age, blind moral compass, or sheer stubbornness refuse to take into account any other point of view, way of life, or life circumstances. It's frustrating but I have realized, it is outside the realm of my control. I do believe that everyone has the right to their own path. BUT (and this is an important BUT), we don't have the continued to right to punish, neglect, ridicule, and injure other people. Kindness and basic human respect are dying. We as a whole are responsible for it's death. You say that children to day have no respect but in truth have they been taught respect? If you want the world to change, then it has to start in your own back yard.

Other People's children

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.

Abraham Lincoln 

Some days I turn on my Facebook. I just shake my head and say other people's children. Everyone has an agenda but truth isn't a priority. Now I do know that I that some times I have reposted something to find out it wasn't correct. I usually try to go back either delete it or correct it. What frustrates me to no end are post where truth is sorely missing spewed for hates sake. Republicans bashing the president. People bashing gays. Yesterday, a person bashing the President for a book her was reading because of the title said post America supposedly written by a Muslim. It took me less than five minute to find the books synopsis and read it, only to find out that its a book about America's rise as a Super power in foreign affairs. It was written by a Harvard Graduate with a phd in Foreign affairs. Today another about how the last six mass gunmen are left wing democrats and liberals. I have another serious bit of truth that was neglected, 80% of all serial killers are in fact Republicans. One the other day that made me completely unfriend a person was a larger banner about how being gay is unnnatural and against God. I HAVE A GAY CHILD AND HE IS A COMPASSIONATE, WELL EDUCATED, CHRISTIAN YOUNG MAN. Seriously...At some point this has to stop and we have to be accountable for what we say and how we treat people. Your words written and spoken matter. Then cannot be unsaid or undone. Make a difference. Learn the value of humility and pete's sake show a little common sense and tolerance.

A Loss of Great Proportions

A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.

~Edward de Bono

    I was assaulted with a situation today for which I had few words and little comfort to offer. It was NOT because I did not understand or even empathize but merely because there was no way for me to make the past unhappen. The present tragedy could not be changed or altered.  It left in many of a void. On one hand, we grieve the loss and on the other, we breathe a sigh of relief that we know the suffering caused in the relationship with this person has finally come to a stop. Our faith teaches us forgiveness but our minds wander back to the memories. Yet what do you do when nothing remains to feel good about? 
     It is not that we rejoice they are gone, but rather we feel nothing because the feeling is long since died. We are left to process our guilt for not feeling more. Still others will hold on so tightly to every shred of good they can bring to mind and immortalize it until the pain is hidden behind this delusion of goodness. The villain becomes the saint. It is a huge conundrum indeed.
     After careful thought, I have only this to offer, I would rather live in the now and I will spend my thoughts in forgiveness and choose not to bury myself in untruth. I am saddened at the death but I cannot feel guilty about what was killed long before it was laid to rest. What others do, say, or think is outside the realm of my control. All the wishes, and maybe’s in the world cannot change what is Past. I mourned the loss when that time was upon me. Death of person or a relationship cannot unhappen. To hide my head in the sand and pretend that it is something, which it is not, is unhealthy for me mentally and emotionally. Now, it is time to say goodbye. That is all that is left.