Nastygrams

Nastygrams

Those who will not reason, are bigots,

those who cannot, are fools, and

those who dare not, are slaves.

Lord Byron

This is dedicated to my friend Sharon,

Thank you for the working Idea!

         

          A few years ago as my friend Barb was getting divorced, she often referred to the email she got from her ex husband and his attorney as Nastygrams.  So named because mostly they involved maligning her character or in some way demeaning her.  I remember them being addressed to Barbie, a name she has never liked nor ever tolerated.  She wrote, "Please understand this, my friends call me Barb, my acquaintances call me Barbara, but you may call me Dr ****. " (She did give her last name but I am not using it.)   She is quite the wordsmith at times.  

          I am a  little bit city and a little bit country kind of girl.  I am fairly wise. I tend to be able to use words to make my points without too much issue.  I am fairly domestic.  I love to cook.  I can sew.  I have read everything from Lord Bryon, Mark Twain, and Poe all the way through Harry Potter series and the Twilight Saga.  I have eclectic music tastes as well diverse tastes in movies.  I have held seven course dinners with the right wines and backyard barbecues.  Now, you are all asking yourself what does this have to do with the Nastygram. Well, here is another fact about me.  I AM EXTRA FLUFFY. No matter what I say to people, the most obvious is that I am extra fluffy.  Everything else becomes some a secondary fact. I do not disguise my weight nor do I lie about it. I post my real pictures.  Most dating sites I have joined or online groups, there is always ONE person that starts the avalanche of fat jokes.  People I do not know, have not contacted, or even desired to talk too feel the need to send me the Nastygram.   My first replies are usually the same. Something along the lines, “Really, Captain Obvious, all this time I thought I was a supermodel. “  I guess I am confused about why anyone feels the need to tell me something I am so aware of personally.   Why is it such an issue period?  What size I am on the outside has no direct correlation to the person I am on the inside or the things I can, will, and do accomplish in my everyday life.  Has life truly become so superficial?

 I am going to do some incredibly bold truth here. Last year, I weighed over three hundred pounds.  In the past six months, I have lost 71 pounds.  I did it not because I was worried about my looks but in an effort to be healthier.  My dear friends have encouraged me to think about longevity.  They are demented but they really enjoy having me around.  I am so teasing them.  Interestingly enough though, people still continue to tell me I am fat.  Walking downtown the other day, a wonderful member of the younger generation, mooed at me.  Really? I turned around shaking my head and said to him, “Your parents must be so proud of the how you represent them.  I really wish I knew them I would send them my thanks.”  To which the intoxicated young man, “You fucking bitch.” 

          The interesting phenomenon is that there are 154.7 million Americans that are overweight or obese, eighty million of them are men.  Yet, women are the biggest targets.  In the spirit of honest fact, lets’ try this one.  42.9 million Americans sought counseling for substance abuse in 2010 that says nothing about the number of users that are taking drugs that go unreported and approximately half of them are under the age of eighteen.  That says we are doing an amazing job of parenting here in the United States, what do you think?  Twenty-four million people of all ages will suffered from an eating disorder in the 2010 but that has nothing to do with how much pressure we put on people about their weight issues and their appearances.  An estimated sixty percent of world-class athletes are taking skill-enhancing drugs. It is all about the win at any cost or at least until they are caught in the act.  What if we discuss the fact that one out of every four women in America will be subjected to physical abuse by an intimate partner at least once in their lifetime? Perhaps we should deliberate the issue that 50.1 million people live in a household where they are uncertain when, what, and how they will get food next.  I know, I have it!  Lets all discuss that 48.6 million people have no health care in America.  Maybe we should speak about the detail that it is estimated that one in every 10,000 people in our nation is experiencing homelessness.  None of those subjects strikes your fancy?  Then possibly, we could discuss the 1,203,564 violent crimes that took place last year.   In my humble opinion, any one of these growing problems is much more noteworthy than my weight.

The causes for weight gain are as varied as the number of people who experience it. I am fairly certain that the majority of people do not voluntarily think, I want to grow up to be obese.  Yes, we are easier to see because we weigh more.  It is not all about our eating habits though I am sure in some cases it does contribute to the problem.  None of us though needs anyone else to tell us we are overweight.  We see it every day. There are countless advertisements in a day telling us about this diet plan and that one as well as countless talks about diabetes and exercise.  It is a multibillion-dollar industry, all of which tell you the same message.  They are not telling that you are unhealthy, but that you are FAT.  It is all designed to make you believe you are broken so you will pay them to fix you. It is all about the look. You cannot possibly like yourself if you are fat.  You cannot possibly believe anyone else will like you either. YOU should hide yourself in shame until you make that magic number that somehow makes you acceptable, which by the way I am not sure what it really is.   Heck, there are skinny women, fighting to be thinner all because someone is saying the magic word fat.  Losing weight has become the popular epidemic in our country.  The problem with a blanket cure is that it rarely fits all sizes and even fewer personalities. Losing weight will not magically fix your self-esteem.  Losing weight will not magically make you feel wanted and loved. The sad but ugly truth is that losing weight is really only a small part of the battle.  I know the commercials tell you how wonderful you will feel about yourself when you can wear a smaller size, sadly it is all a lie.  You have to want to feel better about you.  You have to do all the mental work as well as the physical.  Beauty arrived in vision alone will end with the weight gained back or the new crisis in your life. 

“If you are a woman, if you're a person of color, if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, if you are a person of size, if you are a person of intelligence, if you are a person of integrity, then you are considered a minority in this world.

...And it's going to be really hard to find messages of self-love and support anywhere. Especially women's and gay men's culture. It's all about how you have to look a certain way or else you're worthless. You know when you look in the mirror and you think 'oh, I'm so fat, I'm so old, I'm so ugly', don't you know, that's not your authentic self? But that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel shitty about yourself so that you will take your hard earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around creme that doesn't turn around shit.

When you don't have self-esteem you will hesitate before you do anything in your life. You will hesitate to go for the job you really wanna go for, you will hesitate to ask for a raise, you will hesitate to call yourself an American, you will hesitate to report a rape, you will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender. You will hesitate to vote, you will hesitate to dream. For us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution and our revolution is long overdue.”

― Margaret Cho

          Everyone has his or her issues.  Some of them are hidden from sight for a great length of time, others not so much.  Yes, I am fluffy. Yes, I need to work on it for my health.  BUT, and this is a huge BUT,  it is my singular problem to work on and unless you have some positive influence to make then please, feel free to keep your opinions to yourself and do not waste my time sending Nastygrams.  They belittle you truly.  If you want to help, then walk with a friend.  Suggest a place for a healthy meal at lunch instead of fast food, high calories.  Listen when they talk.  Be a true friend; tell them you love them for who they are no matter what size.  Stop being so selfish that you cannot see the destruction your words and attitudes have on those around you.  No one loses weight by nastiness.  The whole concept of shaming someone into losing weight does not work. It only creates a huge rift in communication. It isolates people and separates them from the help they are looking for in others.

          Life is short and before you know it, we are all gone.  I want my legacy to my children and my friends to be love and unconditional acceptance. Hate and bitterness only accomplish to deplete you and the people around you.  We all have our own sins.  You work on yours, and I will work on mine. I am quite capable of pulling weeds in my own yard. I hope you will learn to pull yours instead.  We all need to learn to coexist together.  Live and let live.  Concentrate on healing and helping instead of hurting and hating.

Memorial Day

In Memory of SFC Delmar Brown…  A soldier, a husband, and a father

          The history of Memorial Day started in the 1860’s with the decoration in our national cemeteries of the graves of those who died fighting the great civil war. Although in Waterloo, New York was officially credited with the first traditions.  Since then it has become more the tradition to mark the day as the start of summer.  Allen West said, “Nowadays, many Americans have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day.  At cemeteries across the country, the graves of the fallen are sadly ignored, and worse neglected." Today though I want to take a moment to remind you of the real importance.

          Everyday in nations far from our shores, men and women stand guard at a post. They march into unforeseen dangers. They provide training and protections to other nations.  They are our sons and daughters, aunts and uncles, fathers and mothers, and spouses.  They proudly represent the United States.  They make sacrifices of their time, their family lives, and their personal comfort to fulfill the cause they were instructed to do by our Commander in Chief as they have for the last 237 years.  They have taken up arms to answer the patriotic call of our nation.  The job they do everyday allows us the freedom to be here home in safety and security.  While some of protest guns and wars, you have that right at the expense of the many that have given their very lives to defend that way of life.  Freedom even in limited forms is NOT FREE. These men and women pay the cost so the rest of us do not have to.

          In the national cemeteries across our country today, it is a day to remember the heroes that have fallen. Did you know that the national time for the moment of silence is 3 pm?  Amongst the parades and barbecues, have you given a prayer or said thank you to a veteran  in remembrance? You do not have to support war or the current government. You do not have to believe in the cause, all that is required is a simple thank you or a simple prayer to not e that you remember and you appreciate the sacrifice made by the fallen heroes.

          This grave occasion has been weighing on my mind this week. I am reminded that my father died twenty years ago.  He is laid to rest at Quantico National Cemetery. He is the veteran of a very unpopular armed, conflict in the country of Vietnam.  I remember as a young woman the only conversation we really had in depth about the war, he told me stories about how sad it was to return to this country as an injured man to be spit upon by protesters.  He told me tearfully that he lost good friends there and he while it was an awful place and time, it was easier than returning to a country he defended to be treated like a criminal by its people.  I felt the strength of his convictions for having gone to do what he felt he was led to do and the sorrow of the burden of the time he spent there. As he hung up, he said that he missed a great deal of my young life but he hoped someday I would understand.  I can honestly say I do understand that he was a man of honor and that was his mission. Many of you today will have similar stories.  It is not easy as a  child to understand nor as an adult to explain. Some would say it is the life they chose but I prefer to think of it as the calling that chose them.

          Some of you will look upon the day as Decoration Day, not just for the fallen soldiers but also for the loved ones that passed. As I was sorting through the many family pictures entrusted into my care, the faces of my aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents were there with many bright smiles but so many of them have gone now.  We have all drifted to our own corners of the earth. A precious few of us are reuniting and remembering the value of family.  To those that have expired, you are as loved today as you were then.  We commit to memory all the things that you were in life to each of us and until we meet again we will hold fast to the reminiscences that you left behind. 

          Today is a unique somber holiday.  Its value is slowly being distorted. I hope that you will take a moment and reflect.  Explain the flags to your children.  Teach them about the cost of freedom and the value of patriotism.  It is not just about the acts of terrorism in our borders but about the men and women who so valiantly uphold our cause all over the world. The Infantrymen that fight our battles on domestic and foreign grounds, the Airmen that fly our planes in the skies above all around the world, the Seamen that guard our shores on great vessels above and below the water, they are the unsung heroes we need to speak to our children about.  Spend a moment and thank them, remember them.  Pray for those that are left here missing them.  To those that departed this life, we miss you.  Your memories fill our hearts and minds. We thank you for your sacrifices.  We applaud you for your gallantry.  We thank you for your service.

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                There are days when I think giving up on life would be far easier than living it. Days when I am not sure, I have value or anything valuable to offer.   Tonight is one of those times.   I do not know what to say or do.  When I think I have an answer someone throws me another curve ball.

                Normally, I think I try to offer wise advice and try to see things in a positive light. I think it is far easier to see the negative in life than to be optimistic.  I feel uncertain in a world where everyone else seems to have a different opinion.  Does that make me wrong? Does it mean that I missed the problem? They are questions I do not have answers for at this point.  Perhaps I am wrong.  Perhaps I am missing what everyone else sees. Maybe it is that I am looking too hard for something good that I have over looked the obvious. I just do not know.

                I hate the chaos in my head and even more I hate that I feel stupid and ill equipped to for the fight.  It is interesting how quickly self-doubt takes root.  It is hard to feel like I am fighting the tide.   I wonder if a singular struggle or it is something we all face.  All I can tell you is that I am tired and tearful.

                If I have been wrong, I apologize.  I tried and sometimes no matter how well intentioned you are, you still fail.  I am not making excuses just explanations.   I wish there was some burning bush that gave me a sign. Hell, I would settle for a post it note during these moments.  Love is hard work even with friends.  I think I have tried to be a good friend but maybe I should talk less and listen more.  

                I wish I could say tomorrow will be different. I wish I knew with certainty that the answer would be more cut and dried.  I wish I could say this is it and the only answer but I do not know those things.  I am not the smartest person in the room. I am even the best person in the room. I am just me. Most days I have feel I have semi useful things to contribute but maybe the person that I am fooling is me.

I just do not know.  Some days there are far more questions than solutions.  Some days there are far more thoughts than brilliance. While I know I am not alone, some days it certainly feels like a lonely struggle.

Goodnight chaos. May tomorrow bring a fresh light or post it note at least because I am far too tired to find my way through.

To Our Graduates

               This time of year, we are all thinking about the young people we know or have known that are graduating from their various institutions. High schools, colleges, and trades schools across our nation are sending the next generation of young people off into the big, bold world.  I am reminded of one of my favorite book in the Dr. Seuss collection, The Places You’ll Go.   We as parents take a walk through our memories and wonder how the time past so quickly. It seems you blink and they are leaving home for the first time and then for good.  There are millions of families snapping photos and cheering as their graduate proudly accepts his or her diploma.  We realize it one more life step they need to make.  We hold our breath, wish them well but secretly we are all saying quiet prayers that they are ready. We hope against hope we gave them all the right tools to make good life decisions.  We trust as they take their first real steps toward that grown up life that they take full advantage of their education and spend more focus on learning than on partying.  Yet, in the end, no matter our worries or misgivings, we send them on their way.

          I was talking to my friend Barb about her son that is graduating on Friday night.  She was imparting the story to me about his declaration that he is now a grown up and ready for his grown up life. We both shake our heads.  I had to laugh as she convey that he was not nearly as grown up as he thought he was considering she was still paying his bills.  I agree in part that many delightful life lessons to learn yet.  It is much easier to take advantage of the good life for them when they are still living on their parents’ income than when they are living on their own. It was an interesting phenomena in our household when they figured out paying for the raise in insurance and the fines for their speeding tickets was a much bigger deal when it came out of their pockets.  They began to understand that slowing down was essential.  

Yes, they are going places… Their compass is set, their sneakers are packed, and they will learn to run before they learn to walk again.  What lessons will they learn when they leave? Are they the same lessons we learned? Did we do too much for them?  As parents, I know that we have all done our best to give our children a good start.  I know that I tried to give my children the things that I did not have when I was growing up.  Their father and I gave them many great opportunities and we trusted them with the limited responsibilities.  They all worked part time jobs and helped out around the house but they all had nice cars, wore fashionable clothes, went to good schools, and had the income to have lots of fun.  They wanted for very little. My friend Barb was right though, in some ways, when they left home, they were not prepared for the real world.  I do not think it made us bad parents or them spoiled kids, it just made for hard lessons.

          Our schools mandate a class called personal finance.  It is designed to aid them in understanding budgets and the finances of life.  I know my kids all took it and made good grades but I am not sure they gleaned the lessons that they were intended to learn. When their time came, it was difficult to let them fall down.  I knew that it was the only way life would really mean something to them though. They made their mistakes but they all survived. They learned the hardest lesson of all. Sometimes you have to ask for help.

 I remember my father was so proud when I said I wanted to be a writer. He told me follow my dreams. When my kids, all went off to school, their father said become a doctor, an attorney, a computer programmer, or an architect.  I wanted to know where the follow your dreams speech went.  It went to the way of be economically smart so they can give their children what we gave them and more. I was a bit disheartened. Has life really become all about what is economically sound or will provide the greatest financial windfall?

Tonight I have a few wise words to impart in hopes life would be a tad bit easier.

1.   FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!!!!

Whatever you choose to do, wherever you choose to go, remember you choose a lifetime in this moment. You can be anything, go anywhere, and do anything but it all begins with a dream.  So dream big.  Be an artist or an actor but work at being the best you can be. Yes, we all need to be paid and some paths will be more difficult than others will. In my humble opinion, it is better to do something you enjoy every day, than to spend a lifetime making money and hoping you will find a time to enjoy it.  The world will happily tell you a place but only you can truly identify the dream inside of you.  Share your dream with your parents. Allow them to see your commitment. You will find that might not end their worry but it will assure them you have a plan for the future.  In truth, that is all the majority of parents want from their children.  To know they have a plan.

2. BE FLEXIBLE!!!

The truth is simple in nature and life; we may not always realize in the beginning that where we will end up is far from where we began.  You have to be flexible. Learn to bend and grow for the tree that does not learn to bend in the wind will break.  I had magnificent dreams of being a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist by the time I was thirty.  Instead, I fell in love. I became a mother.  My dream changed. I wanted to be the best mother in the world. I realized with time that I did not really want to be a journalist as much as I just wanted to write.  It took many years, but I have finished my first novel and I am working on getting it published.  The stories still continue to flow and the next novel is well under way.  The dream is finally more developed and now it really suits me.

3. BECOME A PERSON OF HONOR!!!

Start by telling yourself the truth. That is the hardest first step. When we are young, we see ourselves as invincible.  We are going to conquer the world and take names.  Truth is you are going to be scared, you are going to make mistakes, you are going to do crazy things that you hope no one finds out about, and you will find out that you are small fish in the big pond of life.  My father always said that the most important aspect of life is to be a person of your word. Do not make promises that you do not intend and attempt to keep. Be the better person and honestly apologize when you break them. Try to accept that that you are only human and have a certain limitations.  People will accept your mistakes much easier if you seek forgiveness.  Once you give anyone a reason to doubt your character, you will have a hard time gaining back the trust you broke. Remember to be good to people, all the time even if they do not deserve it because people will judge you by your actions not someone else’s.

4.  ASK FOR HELP!!!

When you are lost or broken, when life genuinely sucks, and school or your career is frustrating you, ask for help. Contrary to what you might believe, you really do not have all the answers.  Admit that in your humanness you need someone to show you the way.  Believe it or not, we as parent, have been there done that. Expect that sometimes the best method for us to help you is tough love.  Though we may not bail you out, we do love you. If that makes you angry, ask anyway.  Asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do but also one of the most rewarding for both you as the taker and the giver.  Learning that getting up can be easier, if you take the wisdom of the ages and apply it to your life.  There is no sin in being down or in need, just a chance to learn and grow.

5.  STAY FOCUSED!!!!

To have a meaningful life, does not always mean to be happy. It means valuing all your experiences but staying focused on a goal. It easy to go have a few with the boys, or spend the afternoon shopping with the girls.  It is easy to take advantage of your newfound freedom and party like a rock star, but you should do all things in moderation so that your goal never suffers. Most people will not find a job playing video games or drinking beer.  Though I am sure someone, somewhere has that job; I think it is highly unlikely that those slots open up very often.  You have a lifetime to drink, and to attend all the parties you can, seriously you really do.  There is no reason you have to cram them all into four years of college.  I am fairly certain there is not a major for partying at most college or universities.  I know a few of you are saddened and disillusioned but it is true. So keep your eye on your dream, it is up to you to succeed.   Remember no one is to blame if you do not but you.

          My final piece of advice is this

6. THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!!

No matter how far away you go, no matter how long you stay, and home is always waiting with home arms. We as parents know our job is coming to a close but we love you and to us, you will be our children whether you are 17, 21, 23, or 26. (My children’s ages)  We love you but it is hard for us to let go.  We will always worry, we promise to a give you our opinions whether you ask for them or not, we promise that we are still watching though it is from a far, and we promise you will not like our disappointment if you lose sight of the person we raised you to be. In the end, we still want you to need us as much as we need you. So take a deep breath and remember, you are loved and we miss you.

 The places you will go… The things you will see and do… We as parents are very proud that this day has come.  We are there to support you though granted we may not always understand.

In the words of Dr Seuss…

Advice Shopping

I often write a lot about how much words matter.  Words can never be taken back really. You can apologize and you can ask them to ignore them but in truth you can never unheard or unread them.  I find hysterically funny when a judge orders a jury to disregard what they have seen or heard.  It is a bit like asking the sun to set in the east and rise in the west for a couple of days just because we are feeling different.  Therefore, even though at times, truth is hard to tell and leaves you feeling like an ogre, it is the best course of action.  At times in life, I have avoided saying things deliberately to avoiding hurting others, which in truth is a bit like lying.  I used to say it was a necessary evil.  In actuality, it is my way of avoiding telling a truth I think will cause upset or be misunderstood no matter how hard I try to find the right way to say what I am thinking. I developed an even more annoying habit of asking, do you want me to tell you the truth.  Well, duh, no they want you to lie to them.  Seriously, that was is one of the few questions on my dumb list.  I realized telling the truth was easy, dealing with the plethora of outcomes, not so much.  So, my current policy has been to warn people upfront that I commonly known for outbursts of blatant, blunt truth telling. I am very patient and understanding when I am offering sympathy but for me that is a different path than advice.  Sympathy is comfort  given in horrible situations. Advice is wisdom meant to help us move on from or make sense of a given situation.

      When we seek advice, we call people we trust. What do we really want to hear when we ask the hard questions? ADVICE SHOPPING… It is newly acquired term given to me by friend Stephen.  He is always has the gentle way of discerning a truth for me when I am in serious meltdown or overly emotional.  He has the way of weeding out all the junk to find the heart of situation at hand. It is so frustrating when I ask him and he answers by asking me another question.  At the end though, I know he will have led me to the right path while allowing me to think I found it all by myself.   My friend, Darrel, he has a different approach altogether. He is a very dominant, alpha male. He says okay you did it the other way and it did not work, now do it the way I told you and see if that is not the right solution. Regrettably, he is right. However I do have to stomp my foot occasionally just for effect. My friend Barb, she is the gentle soul and while she is very strong she tends to take the less controversial way through the muck and mire.  They all provide wise, insightful, trustworthy advice but whom I turn too is sometimes based on my ability to hear what has to be said.

     Often, I know in my heart what has to be done or how to get through the given situation but I go shopping for reassurance. I look to people I trust to tell me if I have gone off the reservation.  I do not usually look for sympathy but an honest answer.  I am not sure I can always hear the truth though or that I want to hear that particular truth.  I then go shopping for more advice.  The wheel of life turned and turned.  However, I got a flat. I realized that hearing the same advice twice did not negate the truth I already knew or change my course of action usually.  I was wasting time on extended shopping trips instead of quietly listening and acting accordingly.

     We all do it from time to time though.  We want someone to explain how the person we loved could cheat on us and break our hearts.  We want someone to explain why it is you seem continually be failing when you are trying so hard to succeed. We want someone to help us find our way out of the chaos and into the calm.  During times of struggle, it is not easy to accept what one might hear and often we will discount it and continue shopping. More than likely, we are the problem not the advice.

The question you need to ask yourselves is simple and complicated.  If I trusted that person enough to ask, then why I am unwilling to accept the advice they offer.  Most likely, it is because I desire a different answer than the one that is offered.  That does not make that person less right or less wise. It only makes us close-minded. We should not ask the question if we are not ready for the answer.   

The other side of the coin is even more harrowing though.  Who wants to be the person that say, yeah you look fat in those pants. NO ONE, that is who. It is hard to deliver painful insight. It is far easier to say, oh you look cute or nothing at all.  In the end, though if you think in terms of what you want in your relationship, you will find that no matter how difficult the truth is to tell or even to hear that person is much more valuable in your life than the one that throws platitudes at you.  I would rather hear a truth even an ugly one and know that person will be there to dry my tears or bring me chocolate. In return, I want to be that person too.

     I remember telling my friend, Barb when she filed for divorce that my best advice is to imagine the worst case scenario then multiply by ten and you probably are not even there yet.  She did not want to hear that but in the end, she admitted it was probably the truest advice she got.

      We all want to believe we are helpful and often we become so helpful that unsolicited advice flows like the river overflowing its banks during a flood.  Those people while well intentioned are seldom heeded. Though I readily admit, I have a tendency to go there with my kids and adopted family.  I have great intentions, my heart is pure, and I really just want keep them from falling down.  The reality is that if they do not ask then they are not seeking guidance nor do they really want it. 

Marissa is a young woman I met several years ago.  She had a darling young toddler girl.  There was a incident that alarmed me greatly.  Try as I might to reach her, she did not want to believe me.  We drifted apart.  I was very sad when I would run across her pictures and that time and I often wondered how things turned out for her.  Not long ago she found me on Facebook. She apologized and asked if we could start again.  Last night when were discussing how empty the house feels without all of them around, she offered me a cyber hug but more than that she said these words.

“I know but I'll let you know I've been through heart ache betrayal let downs I may have let my kids see too much but through all of it I've always thought about you and what you would say. You have seen me through things you will never even know. You are one of the few best people I have ever known so I hope it is a powerful hug you feel right now because I love you sooooo much!!!”

     My heart was so touched. I had many happy tears. It was one of the few times in life that I fully realized the impact that I had on the people around me.  Please, do not think I am breaking my arm patting myself on the back because it is not like that.  It was just reassuring to know that while initially the path was hard and it caused a painful separation, love found the voice that changed her life. That is all I really wanted, for her to know that out of love, I believe I had to speak up.  I did not want to be correct; I just wanted to save her from harm. In the end, I might have done that for her future.

      So go advice shopping, ask your friends the tough questions but expect as a friend that they will you the truth. If you are shopping for sympathy, anyone one can offer a shoulder. Try to remember that they are far different entities, advice and sympathy.  So truthfully ask yourself what you are really seeking in the answer before you ask.  Most are more willing to offer the tissue that to cause you more grief by telling you the truth. If you are the adviser, take a moment before you jump into the hot water and be sure your motives are true to your friend and not selfish.  No one wants to hear, I told you so.  Be constructive. Be truthful. Remember not to be hurt if that person cannot hear what you have to say, maybe they just are not ready.  If you find out that your advice was poor for any reason, be the bigger person and apologize.  We all have a different voice to offer and a different way to offer it.  It may not always be the outcome you expect but time has a way of working things out.

Where thou goest....I may not follow????

The idea is to write it so that people hear it and

It slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.

Maya Angelou

                Writing is my passion it has been since I was young.  For a great long while though, I lost my voice.  The rest of the world or at least my immediate part of it squelched my enthusiasm for creating with practicality.  My destiny was swamped with raising children and their needs.   I lost the ability to dream for myself.   I became about hoping and trying to help them succeed.  When they accomplished their goals, there was a sense of accomplishment within myself.  I used chat rooms and role-playing games online to satisfy the emptiness that I did not even really understand. I occasionally wrote small articles on online safety and discerning the truth from dating men you meet online.  Something clicked inside my head.  So about five years ago, my dear friend, Larry, having bugged me for years to take the NANO challenge in November, finally convinced me.  My passion was reignited and my dreams became my own again.  I have since written a few short stories and two novels.  So I added up a total of words written in the past five years (not including my blog or my journals) 397, 853 words.  That is roughly 79,570 words a year and 219 words a day.  I was not sure whether to be impressed with myself or upset until I realized that is hours and hours of imagination, hours and hours of struggling to find a way to write a story that can make a reader feel and live the character as I dreamed them not mention I am still on mommy duty.

                Writing is not like a job you go to everyday.  You go to work then you come home and for most, they leave that responsibility behind when they get into their cars. Writing happens whenever something plays out in your imagination.  I can be sound asleep and my mind will be dreaming up the next chapter or changing a previous one.  In the shower, I am worry if the name I have chosen for a character really fits with his or her personality.  To you as a reader you see it as finished product and some of you avid readers will whip through reading it in a fraction of the time it took to get it on to paper and in edited to become the finished product that you hold in your hands. Its hours of outlining and research to find a perfect match that  will conjure up the perfect location or era that will make the experience for you as a reader come to life.  It staying up until dawn because the words are flowing like a river and praying you make it through the day with little or no sleep.

                Even here in my blog, I often strive to use real situation and the people I know and love to make my point. I firmly believe it is easier for us to tell the truth in away a reader can identify with if we can say look this happened to me too.  The truth about change and lessons is that they are not learned usually through wonderful circumstances.  They are brought about by need. The sorrow of life, the pain of a broken heart, and the frustration of daily life are the educational system that helps us to grow and learn.  I feel in order to have you identify with my current issue I need to share the trip that got me there just as in my story.  I want you to share the passion I feel.  Very few people really like self-help books but we all like the help.  The ones I cherished reading and learned the most from were not just analytical but also personal. 

                Passions are often very volatile.  They drive us to anger and tears or fits of laughter and joy. If you use them well and without reservation then you will probably get a bundle of both extremes and everything in between.  You will be loved and hated and often your motives misunderstood.  Nevertheless, it is that passion that will allow people to see the whole you.  

My daughter is an Art student at the Academy of Arts University in San Francisco.  She loves painting and sketching as much as I love words.   This semester in one of her classes, she was asked to write a paper on a very controversial piece of work.  It was a sculpture done by the artist Eric Fischl, “Tumbling woman”.  He so heartbroken by the graphic pictures of the people falling from the windows of the World Trade Center on September 11^th.  He created the statue as a tribute the raw courage and vulnerability of the human condition.  He wanted to memorialize the raw emotion  that struck him as he watched in torment. It was displayed on the lower concourse of the Rockefeller Center for a week. It was curtain off never to be seen or displayed again because people objected to his vision.  The piece is graphic and sad to me but it has a certain haunting beauty in the fact that as a sculpture he took a horror that stirred it with passion and created a piece of art.  He did not want to anger the masses but for all of us to remember that day with passion and fierceness so that we are not destined to feel complacent about our lives. He was driven by an inner emotion that most misunderstood or even attempted to contemplate.  All they saw was the ugliness. The world rejected his passion.  The sculpture was exiled. It is destined never to be displayed again. 

The point is simple though. No one person can completely understand the mind of a creator, be it a sculpture, a book, or even this blog.  All of you will take away what applies directly to you or what settles in your mind.  For some, you will say oh gosh, how embarrassing that she writes about her children and how hurt they will be about what she said. Others will read it and say it was a powerful lesson that they can apply to their lives. My passion was to touch that one person who needed to hear my message that day. 

I do not feel the need to constantly reassure the masses that I love my children, that I am a good mother or any other malarkey. My passion is to write. My passion is to create a message with meaning to share here.  My life is far from perfect. It has been ugly and hard.  I can dwell in that darkness and be bitter. I can let that ugliness consume my dreams and dwindle them into a more acceptable package. I can become a little sheep waiting to herd into “right “box.  ON THE OTHER HAND, I CAN MAKE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO BE ME!!!!!  I CAN STAND UP AND SAY, WHAT IF YOU LOOK AT THIS DIFFERENTLY!!

We all have passions that guide us in life.  Some for medicine like my friend Barb.  I would tell you she is the most amazingly smart and strong woman I have ever known.  Some will be jack-of-all-trades like my friend Darrel who to this day has failed to give me a wrong answer.  He might not always know the answer up front but you can bet he will help you find it.  Some will master the peace of the world and teach us all about Zen and inner peace like my friend Stephen. Even his most frustrated and stressful times, he has this awesome way of creating a peaceful space filled with truth. Some will become artist and entertain with a vision in paint and photography like my daughter Kyrie and my adopted daughter Lindsay.  Some will serve our country and become honorable men from little boys.  Some will take their passions for gay rights and turn them to a passion for serving others dying from AIDS.  Some will stay home and raise children that will bless the world with a new generation of teachers and scientists.

We are all different. We will all have different outcomes and see different messages.  If you desire to find the bad in any given subject then in truth you will. Good people do bad things everyday led by an uncontrollable and indefinable passion.  The outcome may cause pain and grief. It does not necessarily mean they are terrible people or that the good they did in our lives was all a lie.  Sometimes we will look at the horrendous act and rally to make goodness never before dreamed.  So if my messages here and passions are lost on you. Then perhaps I am guilty of not using the correct words to touch you but in the end, it was my dream, my passion.  You were along for the ride on my train.  It was not my responsibility to make you like the destination, only to try to get you there.   

Attention Seeking Behavior

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
Winston Churchill

         

          Nothing makes me more frustrated in a day and quicker than one of my children, especially my youngest.  He has this odd habit of harping on the same subject for what really feels like eternity.   He will bring up the same subject a hundred times in a row if you allow it.  He does not mean to be frustrating.   He just truthfully does not understand that he is doing it, unless we tell him.  Therefore, in an effort to streamline the process before it was frustrating, we adopted one simple sentence: Attention Seeking Behavior.  When he hears it, he becomes acutely aware that he is creating an issue that will end in my frustration and his.  Some days, I use it a lot.  I  have found that throughout the day on Face Book and in real life I catch myself biting my tongue to not say it to someone I am talking with or back spacing it on someone’s status.  I found that its simplistic value applies to so many things in life and far too many people. 

          We all have that friend who we know whether subconsciously or not they tend to think the world is all about them.  They take your criticisms as some HUGE slant on their lives or heaven forbid, you might simply choose to ignore them and their current situation.  If you say something they do not want to hear then you have created an even bigger problem. It is the proverbial catch twenty-two.  At that point, I just want to say (and probably have) I cannot read your dizzy little mind so please, tell me what is the correct solution at this point.  It is without a doubt of attention seeking behavior.   It is personal manipulation. 

          In the case of my children, I have seen it taking many forms.  One of them is fond of video chatting on Skype and the whole conversation revolves around his current state of affairs and his marriage.  Even on Mother’s Day when we talked, he did not ask how I was feeling or what my plans were for the day.  He asked if I had sent his package yet.  We talked about his upcoming plans.  He told me all about gifts he bought for his wife and her mother.  He told me all about an upcoming safari he wanted to take.  He told me all about his plans to buy another car when he got home to have a project with his dad.  In forty-five minutes, he had not even said Happy Mother’s day. 

          I felt small and unimportant.  As the conversation continued, he told me that he could not really send me a card because he was too busy.  Later, after some other report about his wife and her family, he told me really I came in a distant second these days.  I was so glad to hang up.  I spent a good fraction of time that afternoon crying in my room. I was angrier with myself for not having simply declared it all to be attention seeking behavior.   Instead, I left him off the hook.

          Later in separate conversations with my friends Barb and Stephen, I became acutely aware of the fact that while my frustration with the matter was valid, in truth, my unwillingness to deal with the situation had only encourage it to happen repeatedly.  It was not something I wanted to hear from either of them.  I was really looking for a more sympathetic approach like we will kick him in the shins for you. However, true friends should always be the person that tells you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.   I have taken a few days away to really contemplate the question.  Truth being truth, they are right.

          Never once did I stand up for myself, not once did I say that his attitude bothered me, and I did not really express how upset that he could not even take five minutes to send and ecard.   Maybe for some, this will appear to be a petty thing. I just find it symptomatic of a larger thought process of a genuine lack of respect or empathy to someone else.  Selfishness is not a pretty persona on anyone.

          I know that while they were growing up, I attempted to teach them to be involved with the others around them.  I tried to instill in them the fact that you should put others before yourself. I think they learned the lesson with everyone but me.  I think the signal got lost when it came to dealing with me.  I wonder if that is not partially because I did not have much respect for myself.  I think also in my part that my darling daughter enabled them to do nothing by taking up the gauntlet to do it all.  She has for many years just collected money from them to pitch in for a gift.   She did the shopping and she tracked them down to sign the card.  In the end, they took as much credit for the gift as she did when in truth, there would have been nothing if she had not done something. This was not about a gift or the lack of one. It was purely for me at least, a slap in the proverbial face that said he could care less about me. I also wonder if this is not partially the difference between men and women.  Women tend to be more nurturing than men.  I do not mean to cast disparaging remarks toward as a gender, just a generalization that most will agree is true.   

          I will own my part in this scenario.  I love my son.  He is a good man but in truth I have allowed our relationship to become dysfunctional by  tolerating behavior that is upsetting to me.  I cannot change the situation if I do nothing.  It reminded me of a story that a wonderful man I dated years ago told my daughter as a young teenage girl.  
          One day while we were going to the car, she reached for the handle.  He said wait just a minute I will be right there to open the door.  Instead, she once again reached for the handle and attempted to open it knowing she was quite capable of opening her own door. At this point, he locked the door with his remote. He related this tale to her.

          “I always told my daughters when they were growing up that every boy should open doors for them.  It is a sign of respect.  My rule was simple if he did not open the car door for her and that it was her responsibility to show she expected to that type of respect from the beginning.  She was instructed to stand and wait until they came to open that door.  If they did not come, that was a young man that she should not get into a car with because he would not respect her later either. In time, both my daughters came to see that this scenario withstood the test of time and rang true every time.”

          I had forgotten the moral.  I had forgotten to wait for the proverbial door to be opened because in my mind, I was capable of doing it for myself.   The ugly truth is simple, I cannot complain about a situation if I am unwilling to be a part of the solution. While in the instance of Mother’s day, my daughter took up the gauntlet and sent a seething email to her brother.  His reaction was nasty to her but he did send an ecard.  While I am grateful to have gotten it, the simple truth remains, I needed to be the person that spoke up.

          It is difficult sometimes to tell people we love that they are frustrating.  It is difficult when you need to talk and it is all about them. No one really wants to rock the boat especially if you know it will make navigating the sea ever more complicated but if we never do it then we are complacent in designing our own destiny.   We all have times of self-pity and woe that we need to share.  We all have times we need a helping hand.  We all have times when we are selfish. Those are all normal things. It does not make you a bad person. However, it makes you a better person when you can stand up to a friend or a loved one and in the spirit of caring say to them, ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR. 

          In every relationship, there are moments when one has to wait for the door to be opened for them. It is a sign that you respect yourself and that you value the other individual. The same is in reverse for them.  When you say nothing and enable the same old behavior, you cannot expect them to see the need to change.  Only through constructive criticism can you expect them to comprehend your feelings.   So I offer you this, spend more time waiting on your door to be opened for you, it will only enrich your relationships with others as well as with yourself.  When they fail to open that door, remember if they do not do it now, they will not the next time either.  The revolution starts inside you. EXPECT TO BE RESPECTED.

Children are the Authors of a Mother’s Life

Jay, Jared, Kyrie, and Jesse have written the chapters of my life for half of the time I have been alive really.  They were the authors of the sleepless nights, the scariest moments, the biggest battles, and the countless trips to the emergency room.  The four of them wrote the sincerest moments of joy, the happy tears and the incredible since of accomplishment and pride.  It was a miraculous, over tiring, unsung story. 

I can remember the loving Princess Kyrie and her many long dresses and homemade flower crowns.  It was such a refreshing change from the Power Rangers and Batman costumes that I spent endless hours creating.  The wonder of huge birthday parties for that one week in October.  There so much cake I was glad not to see or eat another cake the rest of the year. I think about staying up until all hours of the night putting together Christmas presents for Christmas morning.   The beauty of their smiles and the enchanting roars of laughter have made life a complete joy. 

There were those times I am not sure how one of them did not end up buried in the back yard. The quarreling, slamming doors, the raised voices over things that did not amount to a hill of beans were as frustrating for me as they were for them just from a different standpoint that the buck always landed in my lap.  The land of antibiotics for ear infections, for pneumonia, and scarlet fever, the scary night watching them breath during the croup, and the patient panic of getting stitches and watching them do dangerous, foolish things  have architected the diaries of their childhood years.   

I think of the countless stories of silly moments and cute sayings that are today as big a part of my everyday life as they were the moments they happened. We still call them “miced” onions and “road destruction” thanks to a Jared. We all smile biggest when we squeeze our eyes shut because that is Bear (Jesse) learned to smile.  I can imagine words written on mirrors when I am having a bad day because it has always been Kyrie’s favorite not board. I cannot pass anything dinosaur without think of Jay and “me see Mommy”. 

I remember their first steps all the way to the last ones as they walked out of my house to lives of their own. Jay learned to run before he walked were in Farmington at his Grandparents and then in the blink of an eye he was moving out of the house to live with Angie (his new wife). Jared’s were in Fredericksburg at my parent’s house and Jared as close the door to go live at his father’s house.  Kyrie’s were walking away from Brian who was inevitably going to sit on her and as she excitedly jumped in the car to go to the airport to leave for art school . Bear’s were in physical therapy and even though his footsteps are still stomping about the house, I know that moment is coming all too soon. 

          I have pictures of their first days of school, their proms, their first cars, their various graduations, and even a wedding now.   I have a hope chest full of paintings, hand prints  and essays.  I have their announcements and grade cards.  I have all the precious Mother’s Day cards and gifts they made.  I have their certificates of achievement and their awards of excellence. They are safely stored away more in the way they occurred than any particular order.  We opened the lid and it drifted onto the pile with all the other memories stored there.

          I love my children and I pray that someday they will have the blessing of children of their own. I have tried to be a good mother but I know I have failed in many ways. I also know that I was by far, a better mother than my own was to me. No one really has a playbook that predicts all the moments in life. If you push button A, you will get response B. You just do the best you can. If I got it wrong, I apologize but I tried. I hope that someday you will know how much you have meant to me and still do. I hope you know that I often read the pages and they fill up the emptiness that is left as you have grown.

For the most part, these are the chapters of my life.  The memories and words that filled my pages are not much different from those that fill the pages of mothers everywhere.   As we celebrate them tomorrow, I wonder if you as children they know that those pages are more precious us than other in our lives. I am not going to lie it is usually nice to get a gift but in the end, truth is that the gift was our children to begin with. For without them the story would never have been complete. You may travel to the moon and back but in my heart I see the beautiful faces that were my little ones   I love you and I thank you for such an incredible work of art. 

A Meaningful Life

Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human.
Viktor E. Frankl

          Over the couple of years, life has been difficult.  It always seems I am a day late or several dollars short of my goal. I have been frustrated and often very full of self-doubt. My dearest friends have been so faithful to tell me that I matter to them in so many ways and so often.  While I know them to be honest and forthright people, a part of me felt as if they were sparing my feelings. Someone told me recently, that we have a tendency to remember the harsh words far longer than the compliments.  I believe this is a completely true statement so then I supposed it might just be baggage from my past. For a while now, I have considered that I am just not be as good at writing as I thought.  I thought perhaps, somewhere along life’s path I had lost my way.  Like riding on a merry go round, I was going round and round.  Then a friend gave me an article, There’s More to Life Than Being Happy. I had cast it aside after scanning over because even the title made me cringe a bit.  Completely by accident of spilled tea, I found a paragraph on takers and givers. Life is looking a bit different to me now.

          The intention of the article is to define the difference between men and women that have happy lives and those that have meaningful lives.  Since I am quite sure the article is worthy of reading I will not attempt to camouflage it with by giving you a watered down version.  The following link is to the article and I hope you will go and read it:  http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/01/theres-more-to-life-than-being-happy/266805/

          However, I do want to address this issue.

          As Americans, we put a great deal of stock in money; I will openly admit that not having a huge income makes life rather taxing at times. I openly admit that I wish I had more so that I could complete the purposes in life I feel I cannot at the current time. In truth, those are things that are for the others in my life more so than for my own comfort.  I want to see that their lives were taken care of and easier. When all is said and done for the day though, it comes down to this.  I have a home. I have food in my cabinets.  I have electricity and internet. I have clean clothes and good shoes.  My life is not glamorous but it is not horrible.  So even though money would buy more privilege, what else do I really need? 

          The truth is simply this I want to know that I matter, that I have done something to make a difference for the better. For me, I do that with words.  I used to do that with my kids but they are growing up and they are moving on with their own lives.  It feels odd to say, it is time for me.  I really have spent a great deal of my time serving others. It makes me content. I am not always happy but maybe I am not supposed to be.  Yes, motherhood was my focus and the meaning in life for twenty-five years but that does not mean that I cannot find a new focus, a new meaning.

          I was talking to my one of my adopted children, Lindsay, on the phone this evening.  She is graduating from college Saturday.  It has taken her six years to get her degree in photography.  Many times over the spans of time, she has been close to quitting. She has articulated all the same questions about why she was doing this, did it make a difference, ect. She lost site of the goal line because it is difficult to have your creative nature stifled by a regulated schedule. Do this my way, do not do that.  I realize it is a process by which we learn but as a writer, I can attest to the fact that often it makes life much harder. Throughout  her school years when troubling times would pop up I was the head cheer leader to say that you must first do what you have to do to be able to do what you want to do and that most great artists had that time of suffering that would redefine their work. Therefore, it was her time to turn the table.  She said< “Mom you wanted to write a book and you did that.  You wanted to tell the story of emotional abuse and you did that and did it well.  You are well into your second one. Publishing is just the small step in the big challenge.”  It was much easier to give the advice than to take it.

          Money does not buy happiness though many people might disagree.  Filling our lives up with possessions only creates a temporary fix. If the only meaning in life is to earn more money to have more belongings you might associate that high with happiness but it certainly will leave empty and void of meaning.  In the article, the study associated that the “takers” are happy people.  They take what they need and want from other and their financial gain.  The givers tend to have found a purpose bigger than themselves.  Often it does not equate to as much happiness but last a great deal longer. 

          I thought I had an undecided life goal until I contemplated my future with my present and my past.  There are two things that are quite obvious to me. Writing has always been a means of truth expression for me about bad situations.  It has been a passion for me since I was twelve years old and I wrote my first short story.  In the eighth grade, I won an essay contest for my school.  In high school, I wrote love letters and poetry for young men to give their girlfriends. In college, I struggled when an American history teacher’s assistant disagreed with me about the fact that freedom from slavery was a general cause of the civil war. Then I was told that writing would not pay the bills and it was time for me to do something useful.  It would take me a decade to return to writing.  My doubts about what I can do are rooted in someone else’s opinion.  If I never publish more than my blog and the poetry that has already been published then in truth have I not found the voice to my dream?  IS it enough to have my purpose mean something to me even if it does not mean bring me financial gain or notoriety?

                    My answer is a resounding yes. This is purpose. Life will determine what is yet to come. I am more interested now in the fact that I can write.  I am free to make my own dreams come true.  Life may continue to be ugly at times this is a HUGE truth. Here is thought of the day though, IF YOU NEVER KNOW SADNESS AND STRUGGLE, THEN HOW CAN YOU EVER REALLY KNOW TRUE HAPPINESS AND JOY.   I would rather take the good with the bad so that I can truly cherish the good.

Build a Light House!

          This week as the usual barrage of political, hate ads and anti- everything ads have run a muck. I was particularly stuck by a posting from my friend Larry.  He and I met via the internet in a silly chat room thirteen years ago and we fell into and easy friendship. He was really the first openly Gay man I had ever known. A few months later after meeting another gay man, Darrin, I did the only normal a person like me would do, I introduced them to each other. They have been together ever since. A few years ago when California was the first to allow same sex marriage, they tied the knot. They are wonderful, intelligent men. They inspire me to be a better me.  Recently, their cause has been that all people should have the right to marry. Recently it has become a person al cause for me as well when my wonderful son, Jared, become engaged to his partner, Seth.  I want for the them the lifetime of happiness that Larry and Darrin have shared.  Quite often through the day, I will see posts are sent to my timeline via Larry or Darrin regarding the topic of same sex marriage. I read then with great interest. This one in particular was quite inspirational.

        The post was a picture concerning a protest by infamous Westboro Baptist Church.  The sign by the protester read, “God hates Fags” but in a unique protest of his own, a young man had written on his notebook and was standing in front of all to them.  His message was simple. God Hates NO ONE. How incredible that one young man  had more sense than all the opposing adults.  I have often heard that greatest wisdom  and truths comes from the mouths of children. Okay well, that does also include intoxicated people but it was a child in this case. 

       For one of the very first times, I have seen a TRUTH. As a Christian, I read that God loves us all. In fact in I Corinthians 13:13, and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. He tells us in John 3:16, For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son… (NIV) So if you represent a church, how can your message be one of hate?  As Christians, are we not taught to beware of false prophets?  I do not have a crisis in faith. My faith is strong and my beliefs are an integral part of my character. HOWEVER, I do take great issue with organized religion.  It seems more and more often, that church’s use the Bible to beat people over the head about a given cause more than to teach love and forgiveness. That is not God's work, it is man's work. I find that as heinous misuse of its purpose.

          I do not often bring up my faith especially in such a public forum. I believe that it is a personal choice.  Everyone has to find for that path for him or herself. Yes, I do believe if you have questions, if you are searching that you can ask for that help from others traveling your same path. In the end though, when any of us stand in judgment before the Lord, ultimately, I am responsible for my life. Not the Pastor nor the deacon nor anyone else will be there to testify upon my behalf. So as the person accountable for my life and my decisions, does it not make sense that I must use my best judgment along with prayer to define my moral compass? How can I in good faith ask another to surrender that same right to me because I say so?  Well I read the same Bible that most of the rest of you have read. As many times as I have opened its cover, I have failed yet to find a passage that justifies hate and judgment.

          Faith is a powerful tool.  We all seek to be loved, want to believe in forgiveness, and need help throughout our lives. Religious leaders are truly some of the most influential men and women in the world. However, as history has taught us repeatedly, absolute power corrupts absolutely.  A true fact, more people die in the name of religion than any other cause on the earth.  Think about tragedies like Jamestown where 918 people  perished because they followed a false prophet. Certainly, we should not forget the genocide of the Jewish people in the Second World War.   History is full of these examples. It is scary how quickly seemingly intelligent, well-rounded men and women can be led to follow especially in a religious conviction. Still today, churches are growing and people are seeking guidance.  Society is still putting its faith in MEN to lead man.

          Prior to 1967, many states had laws regarding bi racial marriage.  In fact it was illegal in fourteen states.  Many of the arguments against it were the same Christian judgments that we use in speaking against gay marriage.  I am sure there are still bigots today that would argue the world has gone to hell in hand basket. However, life went on.  Interracial marriage has not stopped the world from turning only more people are happy with the one person they truly love.

          So, I come to you in all honesty and ask one question.  If LOVE is the most important of all virtue in the Bible followed only by charity and forgiveness  then why do we continually beat people up for their preference in love partners? To love a gay child is only different in the fact that society makes  life harder for them and they need you as a parent to be more supportive. They are not sick or they are not growing horns.  They just have different sexual preferences. I remember as a child my Aunt telling me once that sex scared her to death because she had no idea as a woman you could enjoy it and desire it.  Her mother certainly preached it was her wifely duty.  Today, we want to derive as much pleasure from it as our partners.  Times are changing and just like the seasons, we are being called upon to change with them.  Heck, fifty years ago no one would have dared to dream we would elect an African American as President I understand change never comes easily but it is necessary.

          No one is asking you to change your sexual preference. No one cares if you understand, or what your religious conviction is, they just want to have the same ability to marry the person they love  for your lifetime.  It takes love to accept that everyone is different.  It takes tolerance to allow them to shine.  The biggest of sins against you is not your ability to see them married, but as a man to make a declaration that God gave you the right to condemn. In truth either way, it is this simple, life does not revolve around your moral convictions.  Hate does not solve any situation. Hate only begets more hate.  We are all different.  We all love different types of people.  God gave us the ability to love with abandon. So while everyone else is building a ship in his or her bottle, consider building a lighthouse. Just allow everyone to see you as love light shining in a dark world. Celebrate that you are unique.