Gossip

“Hey guess what!”

                “I found your nose.”

                “It was in my business again.”

Originally, this witticism was meant to be sarcastically humorous.  It certainly made me smile at first, until I realized how exasperatingly true it is on a regular basis with far too many people.  It would seem that America’s favorite pastime is no longer baseball but gossip.  The rumor mill seems to be cranking out new trash at an increasingly swift pace.  The tales of celebrities, politicians, professional athletes, and even infamous criminals are flying off the newsstands around the country. Americans have created a multibillion-dollar business of entertaining the gossipmongers.  Newspapers, magazines, television, and even online all carry the antics of all your favorite people and even those you love to hate.  Tune in, turn on, read up… It’s all there some version of the truth very seldom ever verified for accuracy.  The juicier the tidbits the more money there is to be made.  So please, repeat it all and be sure to give notice where you got it so even more of your friends can contribute to the wealth and success of GOSSIP. 

There seems to be an endless supply of rumors to go around.  This celebrity is sleeping with another’s spouse.  That one is doing drugs. That politician is getting his bottom tickled with a pink feather.  Did you hear about the one who was arrested?   I bet he is not going to jail. Of course, we need to know how much they spend on vacation.  God forbid, we fail to share in a family misfortune or be the last ones to see the baby’s first pictures.  His or her heartbreak is certainly something everyone should be shared.  My personal favorites are their divorce settlements and how much money they make. Seriously, we all want to read about the fact that one person needs ninety-six room mansion on ten thousand acres.  I have not a single other thing to do than to dedicate my time into knowing more about the famous and the infamous nude bathing on some beach in some foreign land.  Did you know that pro athletes are doing steroids? It’s the only way to win really.  Let us not forget to point out their sexual preferences because who they sleep with and how many is so my business. 

Even today’s tragedies are blown up, exposed, and turned into to an agenda for some special interest group.  I remember only hours after the shootings at Sandyhook Elementary, groups were calling for gun control to protect our children and still others were saying arm the teachers.   Let us not forget the wave of negative Muslim sentiments that happened after the Boston Marathon and the bombings on September 11^th.  Just yesterday, new problems arose with the shootings in the Navy yard in Washington D.C. and already Facebook is busy with this and that posting.  My first thought was oh my gosh, here we go again.  Please feel free to be judge and jury over a trial that you heard about for five minutes on the some social media because obviously that scoundrel needs to be put to death.  Really, why worry about proving his guilt or anything.  Let us all remember to keep bigotry alive by pointing out the race of every criminal versus the ethnic group of the victim because that is the only reason that he would do that. 

My favorite response is let us pray!  Are you freaking kidding yourself or me?  Let us pray to be saved from the temptation and the desire to think we really need to know all the gory details to begin with.  We need to spend more time praying for our own sins, than those of our neighbors.  In truth, I feel like the mere mention of Christianity and gossip are fully at odds with each other.  Instead of let us pray, we should just simply be truthful and say let us repeat all we hear with no concern for truth because it that is our real intention.  It frustrates me that people use the Bible to beat you over the head with your sins.  I do not need you to play God for me. A little more self-discipline and self-scrutiny is what is truly in order.   I could be very wrong but I do believe that Jesus one said to a crowd of people wishing to stone a fallen woman, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone.”  (John 8:7)

What makes gossip so preferable?  Why do people so easily fall victim to the desire to talk, tlak , talk?  When you are sitting there passing judgments on people you do not even know do you feel better about your life?  Does it someone how alleviate your stress?  I do not know.  Personally, I try to do it as little as possible. I always wonder what people are saying when I leave the room so I try not to be the person saying anything.  I love to watch a good movie but I realize as a fan that they are doing their jobs.  They entertain me for a short while.  Their lives like mine are separate from their jobs.   As a writer and amateur photographer, I invite you to view the world from my eyes.  I share my point of view and my thoughts with everyone that reads or views a piece of work.  You are welcome to glean whatever goodness from the composition that you can.  You are also free to disparage its contents and the subject matter at hand.  This does not give you the right to pass judgment on me as a person or the right to be educated about my private affairs.  You may think you know but often there is far more hiding from plain sight that is not revealed.  That obscure vision alone makes your opinions useless.  As a life coach, I am invited into your world to help you solve an issue in your own life.   I am there to help you find a more positive path to travel.  I am not there to cast disapproval on your very being.  Talking about your tribulations to other people is not a productive solution for you nor does it make me my job rewarding emotionally, mentally, or financially. 

Gos·sip (ˈgäsəp)

Noun

1.       Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

"He became the subject of much local gossip"

Verb

1.       Engage in gossip.

"They would start gossiping about her as soon as she left.”

By its own definition, gossip is detrimental to the truth.   It is merely the accusation of supposition.  The nature of gossip is that it might have started with some grain of truth.   Then it is repeated time and again. Every time some of the words are changed thereby making the story different.  Each person adds his or her own conclusions and in doing so changes the story a little bit more.  Then the small parts are omitted thus changing it even more.  In the end, whatever morsel of truth once existed has been lost in a sea of confusion and personal embellishments.

Obviously, the best way to avoid gossip and the collateral damage it causes is to merely not engage in it all together.  I think that should be understood.  However, for my purposes today I will repeat the warning for encouragement.  Just because you hear it, it does not mean it needs repeating. Sometimes a silence is much more powerful than words.

Secondly, the old attaché, think before you speak comes to mind.  My dad you to say you should always chew on your words a bit before you spit them out.  I do believe in healthy, productive communication.  I believe that talking things out with others makes us better human beings.  Talking ABOUT them, not so much though.  Therefore, before you repeat what you think you may know, just take a deep breath, and think on it.  Is what you are about to say harmful or helpful?

Thirdly, ALWAYS TRY TO TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WISH THEY WOULD TREAT YOU!  If you would not wish others, to be discussing your life and its vicissitudes then remember they too feel the same way.  No one is immune to the harm words can cause.  It often creates even more of a burden on anyone to fight gossip.   I am reminded of a story I heard once about a man that was accused of sexual abuse with a student. It turned out that the student had lied and the man was exonerated completely.   The damage was insurmountable though.  The man lost his reputation and his livelihood.  After an extended period, the man committed suicide.  He felt that was the only way to save his family.  He had done nothing wrong.  Gossip made it seem impossible. People are often more easily swayed to believe the bad about someone than the good.

Fourthly, be the positive influence.  Words are powerful.  Use them well and they will serve you well.  Remember that life is precarious at best. One day the winds of fortune are blowing your sails across the ocean and the next you are stranded in the middle of nowhere.  No one gets through life unscathed.  My cousin Becky asked on her Facebook status last night, “How do you see yourself?”  Her version was that she was rough around the edges and had walls built to protect her from outside harm.  My version of her was that she like so many others had grown roots. Like the tree that weathers the storm, her roots keep her firmly unshakable during the rough times.   I see that she is careful to bend with the wind but not so far that it broke her trunk.  I think it makes her admirable.  What I wanted was to give her a firm and positive outlook to replace the somewhat negative and broken one she had. 

Last, remember to deal in the truth.  Investigate the things you pass on if you can.  Tabloids are filled with half-truths and lies.  If you do not know the facts, then do not treat it as truth.   Be skeptical, be practical, and be positive.  Treat gossip with indifference not a necessity to engage in during your day.  

No matter what I write here today, I cannot change the fact that people will do what they want.  Some of them are bound to spend a lifetime selling words as a whore sells sex on the street corner.  You can only be held accountable for your own actions. One unfortunate truth is that there is so much of life that affects us that is truly outside the realm of our own control.   All you can do is be a better person yourself and hope to lead by example.  No one is perfect or above reproach.  We all make mistakes.   We share things or say things we did not really mean to repeat.  We have all made the error of using what we know, true or not, to hurt someone in anger.  All you can do is apologize, try to make amends, and move on.  You can only try everyday to be better than one before.   Gossip is a growing addiction in this country.  The movement to contain it begins with each individual.  So do your part by just saying no.

Teenlandia

             

  I was struggling with a beginning today so I posted on my Facebook for advice.  My daughter says, “Once upon a time  ...” My friend [posted “in a land far, far away”.  Another posted, “In the beginning”. So here it goes. 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a country called Teenlandia. In the beginning, parents were sane and genuinely idealistic, and then came the teenagers.  Parents were deep in contemplation about why they ever thought it was a good idea to have children and the teens who knew everything were wondering how they were ever born to such stupid parents. There was an abundance of gray hair and temporary baldness (from pulling all their hair all out).  The carpets were worn from the constant pacing back and forth.  Parents were hoarse from the screaming for the kids to turn the music down and their heads were pounding with the thump of the subwoofers.  There were constant bills for car accidents and repairs, the need for hearing aids, and overwhelming necessity for better anti anxiety medications.  The major attractions were that every household contained an ATM machine that was supposedly never out of money, there was never any homework until the very day it was due at school, and every problem was a major drama no matter how big or small.  The parents spoke English and the kids spoke text or vulgarities.  Cell phone and laptops ran amuck with crazy pictures, stupid stunts, social medias, and rampant meanness called “joking”. At the end of the day, parents lay their heads on their pillows and whispered these words, “Thank you, I survived one more day.”

                Now many of you know me are laughing hysterically at my sarcasm and the rest of you are probably wondering if I live next door to you. I want to say I am the survivor of three teenagers soon to be four.  While they all know, I love them dearly, there are certainly days along the way that I have to confess I wanted either desperately to have them run away or to be able to go myself.   Now those of you who still have young kids are saying to yourselves, it is not that bad.  You have seen the polite, public families of kids that make it all look like it is a walk in the park.  You think that I am only talking about those “bad kids” with which your children are not allowed to associate.  Well, I have some bad news.  You are WRONG, completely, totally, and utterly wrong.  Yes you are!!!  I am talking about teenagers, most every teenager.  If you have not had the pleasure then I have to say your application for sainthood is on the very bottom of the pile at this point, behind all of us who have.

                I have often mused when other parents said to me, “You have done such an awesome job.  He or she is such a polite, well behaved child.”  I feel like I was a deer in the headlights. I lived with them I know who they are. I always wanted some of whatever that drug or alcohol was that allowed them to hallucinate that my child was obedient.  There were times that I am not sure that I like them very much at all.  No one wanted to study but they certainly did not like being grounded for bad grades.  They would spend hours cleaning their cars but ask them to pick up their rooms, forget it.   They all had their moments when they were unfriendly, okay downright grumpy and unsocial.   My friend Barb and I have often teased about the fact that the secret to our having successfully survived our teens was a fully stocked liquor cabinet (for us not them).

                The irony of all of this is that, I thought other people children (most of the time) were much better than my own.  I would make dinner and they would all gather around.  They would offer to help cook or cleanup.  They were so appreciative that I cooked.  Today, I realize the real irony is that is a classic case of the grass is always greener on the other side of the septic tank.  It is always easier to like someone else’s children or some other situation that we are not directly involved with on a regular basis.  We do not see their messy room or their grade cards or deal with their issues.  We merely get the momentary glimpses of them as they hang about our kids. If we lived with them then I would say they probably see in them something to make us equally as crazy. It is like going to work you may not be crazy about your boss but you know you have a limited amount of time to be with him so you put on your kind face and you pretend. As parents, we love that.  It makes feel rock solid about our own kids and their decision making skills.   Eventually though the honeymoon ends, and we are all facing the awkward music saying how did that happen.

                The keys to survival are different with different families.  I tend to do things a little outside the box so some of my methods were well off the beaten path. All right, they were really quirky but they worked for the most part. Being a single parent was hard work and as a stay at home parent, it was often hard to balance personal time with my family.   So consequentially, I had to find some different thought patterns. Maybe some of them will help you and some of them will make you realize I am my own special breed of weird.

                 

1.        Respect and trust are always two-way streets.  If you are not willing to give them freely, chances are you will not be getting them either.  The whole you have to earn it is really baloney for I do not trust you but I want you to jump through ten thousand hoops and I will t means they need your help to get up consider it.   Do you want to be treated like that? If they have never given you a reason to mistrust them or to question their honor, then why treat them as if they are not trustworthy?  Yes, they will make bad choices and sometimes they need your help to get up this is true even as adults.  It does not mean do not watch and do not discipline.

2.       If you break my trust or abuse my respect, there are real life consequences.  I am not a huge fan of grounding teenagers. I think that is often more punishment for the parent.  So let me give you some of my favorite examples.  The teen stays out and does not do his chores.   The reality of that is it still needs done.  So after their late night out, why not just give them an early morning with not only the original chore but also some extra work?  Dishes not loaded in the dishwasher in my house equals doing dishes by hand.  They did not wash their clothes or take their laundry out, throw in the sheets and the towels. They will not learn if you do the chore for them. 

3.       Choose your battles and y our compromises wisely.  As a single parent, it quickly became evident that I could not fight with two teenage boys all the time about everything and still have time for my two other kids. Therefore, I had to set some boundaries.  Disagreements that did not come to blows or draw blood were better solved between them without my intervention.  It taught them the value of working through life’s complications for later in their lives.  If I intervened, the general rule is that in the end neither party was going to be happy.  I am the parent and they need guidance but I found they resented dictatorship.

4.       Always tell them the real truth.  Truth is often somewhere in the middle and seldom black and white.  Be fair but be honest and just.  There is a way to talk to children on a level they can understand.  We ask them to be honest with us but when we imply they are not worthy of the same by our own actions then in truth we have effectually taught them that lying is sometimes acceptable.  A wise friend once said to me there is always a way to tell people the truth in a way they can understand it.  This is especially true of talking with children.  How can they trust you if they catch you lying to them? You can only know true enjoy when understand pain.

5.       Allow them the right to speak their mind and make some of the own decisions as long as it is respectful.  Remember your job is to prepare them to leave home and be happy, healthy productive adults.  If you allow them to talk things out to, make their own choices, and expect for them to validate their reasoning then you have given them the necessary tools to do just that.  It does not mean you have to agree or allow it but letting them talk it out shows that you respect them.  Sheltering tour teens leaves them ill prepared for a world they must eventually join.  If you teach them the value of their mind and their choices, you also feed their self-esteem. That is an invaluable tool in life.  You cannot do a better thing for them than to allow them the right to fall down. It is a hard I know but so worth the risk. Just try to withhold the “I told you so as often as possible.”

6.       Allow them their own space. Now, this idea might be a difficult pill for most of you to swallow so here goes nothing.  I like my space a certain way.  I do not usually make my bed unless I am having company. I keep my laptop and books on the opposite side because I often write, read, or do different things well into the middle of the night.  My middle son said to me one time, “If I have to pick up my toys from where you do not like them then you pick up your toys too.”  At first, I was a bit taken but I did realize there was some validity in his thought. So the rule became that all mutual living space in the house had to be clean and picked up, IE the living room, the kitchen, the dining area, and all bathrooms.  Their space IE their room and closets were their domain unless company was coming over. No food or drink could be left in the room.  I did not pick up the clothes or wash them if they were not picked up by them.   I often had to close the door to avoid being angry but it gave them a choice. Eventually, the cleaning began.  However, the fighting stopped immediately.

7.       Do NOT be the ATM.  Currently, kids have so many things, cell phone, tablets, game systems, mp3 players’ computers cars credit cards nice clothes…  Gone are the days that you can find entertainment outside playing ball and riding bikes all over the neighborhood.  It seems to be an endless list of things they wants that they feel are needs. It is easy to be caught up in the giving.  The problem is that it soon becomes unappreciated and overly expected.  If they get once and they take care of it that is awesome.  If not, let them work off the repairing or replacing fee.  After all, we have to work to do it.  That is the way life goes.  The lesson is in teaching them to be productive and respectful.

8.       The open door policy.  Now this sounds simple but I issue a warning at this point.  When you tell teenagers, they can tell you anything, be prepared because you might just get what you asked for.  The true key is to appear unshocked and not to get angry.  Listen first and then try to talk it out.  Communication is not easy and it takes a great deal more listening. 

9.       When you are wrong as a parent or have made mistakes, you should admit them openly.  The truth is that we are only human.  Sometimes we rush to judgment or make assumptions that turn out to be false.  Showing our teens that we are willing to accept that we have erred sets the example for them.  In turn, they will feel easier about coming to you when they are in trouble. 

10.   The last one is the one of the biggest.  Lead by example.  If you are narrow minded and judgmental, you can expect that those same traits will be reflected in your teen.  Be careful what traits you really want to pass on because they will surely come back to bite you in the butt if you are not.  It also makes the difference in how they will treat others in their lifetimes.  Plant the seeds of optimism, joy, and charity.  You will see those seeds grow. You will reap the rewards of them.

The bonds you build with you teens are not an accident.  They take work and patience.  Some days will be harder than other days.  I am not a perfect parent.  I work hard to do the best job I can.  I think that is the best any one can ask of you.  Every day is a new challenge.  Remember that loving them is easy.  It is the liking them as people that truly takes lots of work.  If you do not like them, then reflect on the cause and try to help them change to be more positive.  Just accept that at times, the change starts in you.

Why Not?

   I was chatting with a friend of mine recently.  After moving to another state, he has begun the tedious process of finding a new job.   He had always done construction work as supervisor but was considering an entirely different career path.  As the conversation progressed, he mused about his oldest son’s response to his dilemma, “why not Dad?” Now he said it as if he was amazed by the question but in truth, I wanted to know the answer.  To me, it seemed like a simple but intelligent inquiry.  The reply was filled with all the major concerns that were usually preceded by what if.  If you consider the how innocuous the these four small words are all by themselves, one would really have to would probably laugh hysterically about the fact that in truth these four words are the leading causes of  centuries of debates and worry.  Analyzing and thinking the process through is truly an admirable quality. However, at times, I see that it could cause just as much chaos as runs into the fire and sorting it all out on the go.   Why Not? What if?  They are simple words but when used together they have the power to haunt you for a lifetime if you let them.  The question is why do you let them.

I love this clip in the movie, We Bought A Zoo.  The character Benjamin Mee lost his wife. In a bid to start his life over and to help his children heal, he purchases a large house that has a zoo. This is welcome news for his daughter, but his son is very unhappy to leave his friends and the life he has always known. The zoo is need of renovation and Benjamin sets about the work with the head zookeeper, Kelly, and the rest of the zoo staff. The zoo soon runs into financial trouble. The staff must get the zoo back to its former glory, pass a zoo inspection, and get it back open to the public. At the last moment, he finds a substantial amount of money that his wife left, knowing he would need “seed” money for a new adventure.  Her only instructions were not to listen to reason but to follow his heart.  If you have not seen the movie, I highly recommend it.   The film is based on the true story of this family.  I was so impressed with simple understanding that this woman had for her life.  Why Not?  She recognized the value of allowing her heart to guide her and that by risking she would find the best of rewards.  She did not live her life plagued the what if’s. 

                Along time ago, my father said to me, “Girl you have a tendency to jump off cliffs and learn to fly on the way down.”  I know he did not entirely mean it to sound insulting but I know he always worried about how much my lack of thought in the decision making process would hurt me.  I think about decisions but I often find when I am having trouble making up my mind, it is because I am trying to talk myself into doing something that does not settle well inside or something I know it will lead to disaster but I really want to do it anyway. Early on in life, I realized the value of discernment.  I tend to have an intuitive perception of the right answer.  Now it does not always work but I find it has its blessings.  I do not think that I have stopped worry or questioning but I have managed to cut out the trepidation about jumping into things most of the time. I know sometimes I will land successfully and sometimes I will fall on my face. I accept that risk because the simple truth is this you can never learn to fly if you are afraid to fall down.  Yes, that means you get hurt sometimes.  Yes, that means that it does not turn out the way you want occasionally but I would rather live with the agony of defeat than the continual gift of regret. Have you ever noticed that regret and guilt follow you like your shadow?  They just keep on giving.  Yes, I have regrets today. There are certainly things that I wish I had done differently but for the most part, they are not about the risks I took as much as they are about the relationships I chose.  I talked myself into some really rotten men. 

Life is full of questions. You can plot and plan.  You can reflect on them for a great deal of time.  In the end, it simply comes down to making a choice.   For some that is easier than for others.  Eventually, you have to decide to risk something in order to gain something.  The strategies we use in making those choices vary. After doing some research, I want to pass on a few thoughts that the experts and others say they use to make decisions.

1.       Distract yourself with something else for 2 to 5 minutes. Brain scans during experiments show that after a small distraction your mind more readily focuses on an issue. (Carnegie -Melton study).  Does it work? Sometimes if I walk away for a short time, I can see a different point of view and at other times, I think it makes me more apprehensive. While I have mixed emotions about the use of this strategy, I cannot dispute the validity of it.

2.       Avoid impulsiveness.  I have to say I probably fail at this one.  Instead of pushing yourself, try doing something to keep busy and resist the urge to make choices based on a whim.  One article suggested drinking several glasses of water and setting specific times to wait before using the restroom. (No, I am not making this up.)  They say it is a method to training to your mind to avoid rash selections. I can see the value of this to avoiding impulsive spending.  Buyer’s remorse (the guilt about a purchase) can have negative impact on your ability to commit to a decision in the future because you become unable to trust your own judgment.

3.       Limit your options. In our household, my daughter struggles with the simplest things, for instance what to have for dinner or which movie to watch.  In an attempt to make the process quicker and easier, we have the three choice method.  We begin with three possibilities and then she is able to hone in what she desires much faster. When faced with too much variety, the stress can overwhelm your senses.  With a limited field, the selection process is easier.  This works best if you have someone help with the initial breakdown.

4.       Go for a walk clear your mind or do something physical.  My grandmother used to call this clearing out the cobwebs.  The physical exertion helps your body to stay in motion as well as your mind.  There is a lot of science involved here too but I am not sure how to explain it well so I will leave the attempt alone.  Sometimes, all you need is a clear field of vision literally to identify what is standing in your way mentally. 

5.       Seek out advice. We all have people we talk to about different things.  They can often point out to us, a path we had not seen before or they may have some knowledge that we do not have.  Sometimes, it is as simple asking the waiter or sales clerk which one they would choose because they work with or around the product all the time.

6.       In the book, The Art of Choosing, they suggest considering all your choices at the same time instead of one at a time.  This is said easy but done difficultly.  Usually people tend to think in one dimension so seeing all points of view at the same time may take effort.  Out points of view are clouded by learned and taught behaviors from everywhere, schools, churches, offices, ect.  It is hard to see something from every direction when you are trained to think of it in one way or another.  People often think they are open minded and seldom realize how narrow their vision truly is.

7.       Think through each option and its consequences by imagining the future. Consider what happens in an hour, a day, a week, and/or a year.  Visualize how this choice might play out in the future and what paths of your life and those in your life that a choice might affect.  If you are truthful with yourself, you might you can see the repercussions both negative and positive.

8.       Weigh out the financial costs versus the monetary rewards. This can be difficult at times because what solves the problem today may be the problem tomorrow. Risk and reward go hand in hand but so do stagnation and destruction. 

9.       The last one is one of my own. For me, I think it is the biggest consideration. KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR CAPABILITIES.  Life is easy if you can be truthful with yourself.  If I am capable of this much today then tomorrow, I should exceed that.   Risk will not seem do daring if you are in touch with yourself.

      The bottom line is this.  These are all valid strategies and they can all aid you in making a choice but ultimately you have to make that choice.  T. S. Eliot said, “Only those willing to risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one can go.  You have to be willing to jump off the cliff.  Sometimes even though you think, you know the answer, it will not turn out and you will fall down.  The only guarantee in life that I can truthfully say is absolute is that once you are born, you begin the journey toward death.   What you do in between is entirely up to you. Me, I think I still have a few more cliffs to jump off before I am done.   It is simple, when you get down to the heart of the matter, if you want to avoid the regrets and the “what ifs”   all you have to do when you are considering the your options is ask yourself, Why not?  If you cannot come up with some really valid truths, then risk something because the reward is waiting.

                

The Great Moral Dilemma

          

We live in a small city that houses three major college campuses.  The biggest one is the University of Missouri.  Young people a bound especially during the nine months of the school year. For the most part, it is a calm, quaint kind of town except on football Saturdays when of course town is abuzz with Tiger spirit.  We are surrounded by many small towns and farms.  It is situated between two major cities.  It has been a wonderful place to raise children.  We have some wonderful concerts, great restaurants, and even a little touch of opera and theater  For the most part, we have managed to avoid high crime rates and the big city issues.   Rush hour traffic usually means it takes us thirty minutes to go across town versus the normal fifteen. We are by no means a small town as the population is one hundred nine thousand people.  We really have the best of worlds, small town charm and big city opportunity. 

Up until this fall, we had two high schools and have the major rivalry between them with a clear division between those that went to school on the north side of town and those that went on the south side.  Even though I currently reside on the North side of town for economical reasons, in the great family tradition of his siblings, my son goes to high school on the south side.  So at least two thirds of the month, we transport him across town in the morning and make the same trek in the afternoon to pick him up.  The drive takes us right by the Planned Parenthood Office.  Many times a week there is a long line of protestors.  At first, there were fairly benign.   Lately, they have had to be removed and there is an officer stationed there. There clear signs that say that it is private property and those violators will be prosecuted.   I have read the signs of the activists as we passed. I have witnessed those going in being escorted and heard the ramblings of those aggressively trying to speak to them.  Most of them have a common theme, we will pray for your sin as you kill your baby.  I shake my head with disdain as these “Christians”.  I wonder aloud some times to my children how God would feel about their use of His book and His name to further their own agenda and fuel their hatred.  It makes me sad and ashamed. 

Recently, my news feed is filled with angry postings about the subject too.  Those both pro choice and pro life are complaining that no one is listening.  Crazy statements are being made especially by men concerning the matter advocating that even rape victims should not have the right to choose.  A woman’s body does not shut down the need to reproduce just because she is being raped. That was an absurd statement.  A senator that advocated women should go back in time to the wire hanger method if she really needed an abortion.  I wonder if that were his daughter or sister how he would feel about the matter.  A candidate that even promoted the thought process that a child of rape should not be punished for his creation has made the headlines.   Seriously???  All of these arguments have one great common denominator~~RELIGION.  The moral majority speaks loudly.  I, for one, am no longer listening.  The campaign of hate and hurt made any valid point you once had mute.

So, let me be thoroughly clear on this matter.  I am pro choice and while I do not agree that women should use abortion as a contraceptive (as in instead of protection and safe sex) I do agree to their right to choose for themselves what is the right and just decision for their lives. I have to tell you that it is not an easy decision.  I have never known a woman yet that did not agonize over making the decision at some point.  I am sure many will tell you that in later years they regret their choice but the point being they had the right to make a CHOICE.  I want to be even clearer in saying that I am a Christian. I have a strong faith in God but not so much in man these days.  If being a believer means to you that you are God’s jury and you can decide for Him what is just and right then I think we read different Bibles.  Quite frankly, I have to say I am not interested in reading yours.   Susan B Anthony once said, “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice that it always coincides with their own desires.”  I think she is a very wise woman.

The great moral dilemma is simply this.  Do you have the right to impose your beliefs onto others?  The interesting issue that ensues is that when it applies to subjects that directly affect your belief system you say yes but you say no when it affects the lives of others you could care less about.  For instance, there is one failed attempt to conceal a bomb in the heal of a shoe and today millions of American travelers are now removing their shoes in airports but sixty one have been injured in mass shootings since 1983.  We have done almost nothing to ensure the safety of our children in schools or effect gun control.  Why is that?  We have the right to bear arms according to the Constitution.  I have the right to the pursuit of happiness and I have to be honest with you, it does not make me particularly happy to take off my shoes in the airport.  So I say do away with it.   While you can carry a firearm, having grown up around hunters all my life I have to be honest and tell you if you need thirty rounds to kill a deer you are a really poor shot.  How can a person advocate being prolife and then stand up for the death penalty?  It happens.  Since its reinstatement in 1976, one thousand three hundred and thirty-eight men and women have been put to death.  Because they did something wrong and in some cases horrible, we opt to take their lives. How can you justify both sides of moral outrage? Advocates against gay marriage say it will lead to the downfall of society but they used the same argument against interracial marriage fifty years ago so far I do not see war in the streets.  They are not asking for your approval of their lifestyle they are just demanding the same right you are afforded, to have a happy, successful life that is recognized by law.  Again, the pursuit of happiness is a guaranteed to us.  The moral belief of religion is rooted in each of these cases.  Punishment is an eye for an eye.  You should not kill.  The church advocates a man should be the head of his household and protect his family.  Here comes the but, and it is a big one, BUT government and religion should be separate. Morality is individual and unique as religion itself.

Everyone is outraged about welfare, those receiving government benefits for healthcare, and education but yet have you ever considered that we are spending $25.7 billion dollars a year on foster care (which by the way is a train wreck) or that we are spending over $100 billion dollars alone on the treatment of children that are abused and neglected.  Here are some interesting statistics about children in foster care that affect your bottom line:

·         40,000 new infants are placed in foster care each year

·         25 percent of the individuals who end up in prison spent time in foster care

·         30 percent of all people who are homeless spent time in Foster Care

·         The average number of home placements per child is three

·         Girls in foster care are six times more likely to give birth before the age of 21

·         50 percent of foster youth are unemployed four years after leaving foster care

·         37 percent - 48 percent of foster children don't finish high school

·         Only 7 percent of foster children attend a four-year college

·         Only 1 percent of foster children graduate from a four-year college

These are staggering statistics that say to me, we have a huge conflict in this country.  We talk about the good of a child however, we are not taking their welfare into account at all.  We are standing up for a cause that is lead by the moral climate.  It is the children that are paying for our decisions. That should be self-evident.  We all say we want to help but in the end, we do not.  So where is the moral outrage for approximately 500,000 children in the foster care system? Instead of protesting a woman’s right to make a decision about her about and her future, why are we not protecting the children that are actually living, breathing, and crying out for our assistance?

It is a correct to say that a child should not be punished for the sins of the parent but neither should the victim of a vicious crime be punished because she was attacked.   It is not easy to give birth to and to raise a child that would remind you everyday of that attack. In my humble opinion, it takes a very strong, courageous woman.  Not every woman is able to do that. I feel it is unfair to ask them too. 

I have been both blessed and cursed in my lifetime with pregnancy.  When I was young, I gave birth to a daughter that I gave up for adoption.  For many years, I tried desperately to set aside any thought of her because I had no idea what happened to her and I questioned a lot if I had done the right thing.  It carried with it an incredible sense of guilt and worry.  Later, as I had my own family, she appeared in my life.  She has by all means had a good life and has great parents, for that I am very thankful but ours is one story and they do not always have positive outcomes.  Even now though, I am so aware of that relationship and I struggle to maintain a friendship without imposing upon her life.  I feel quite often as though I have failed in all directions when it comes to her.   In truth, all I have ever desired is for her to be happy, for her to have a life I could not offer her.

I do have four of my own children.  After the birth of my first son, I was diagnosed with a chronic kidney disease.  The doctors told me it would be unwise though not impossible to have more children.  They told us each time that there was a high risk of kidney failure and even possible death.  I was not a candidate for transplant due to the nature of my disease.  There option was always abortion.  I will be honest in saying this to you; I did take that option once in my marriage.  We had three kids and I was in my thirties, the risks seemed to be growing.  The medications that they had given me in hopes to put me into remission were not working. After lots of discussion and prayer, I had an abortion.  It was sad and hard.  I was depressed for a while afterwards.  Was it the right decision? Yes, I feel it was the best judgment for that time and in that space.  I would later go on to have another child four years later.  He came after my ex-husband had had a vasectomy, and we both felt it was just meant to be.  I was also then in remission for two years.  I also realized that I did not feel emotionally strong enough to deal with making the choice again.   He is a great gift even though he is mildly handicapped. 

It is hard to make a choice when you are pressured about what others believe is right and wrong.  . In my case, the alternatives were not great either way, choosing between carrying a child and being there to raise my current children.  In truth, it often felt as if it were the lesser of two evils. To this day though, I will tell you this, I am so grateful that I had the OPTION.

I hardly think my story will change too many minds on this issue but I hope you come to understand your morals and your religion are your choices.  How you apply them to your life is your CHOICE. How you would handle the situation is based on your ability to cope in every way.  As my friend, Stephen says though, “when every child has a safe home, medical insurance, the rights to a good education, food to eat, and a loving, caring environment to grow up in then in truth abortion is unfortunately necessary.”  While you may not agree, I am hoping you can learn to be less judgmental and more compassionate to others around you.  Remember, no matter what your belief system is it is personal. Try to find it in your heart, to say a prayer for compassion and understanding.  It is all anyone really wants. Condemnation only serves to further perpetuate the problem.  If you are not part of the solution then you are a part of the ongoing problem.

Telling Ourselves the Truth

                Have you ever been to a masquerade party?  There is that one person whose identity you simply cannot guess.  When the identity becomes known, you are completely astounded because your conjecture was totally off base but you say to those around you that you recognized them from the very beginning.  It is a small white lie that no one truly cares about but in the end, it makes you feel less ridiculous. Perhaps, you are the person that smiles and greets people ever so kindly then turns to the person you are with and spreads the worst gossip but you say you are being kind for business reasons.  Maybe you say you love mushroom spinach quiche because your friend just spent three hours baking it for a lunch date and you merely do not wish to hurt your feelings.  They are white lies we tell others and at the time, they do not seem so outrageous given the present circumstances.  They are all masks we hide behind to avoid dealing with unpleasantness.  They seem harmless and with time we even convince ourselves they are the truth.  The problem is that in time, every lie becomes easier to tell, especially the ones we tell ourselves.  The masks we wear every day, even with the people we love, become easier to accept as truth.   Life becomes an ongoing masquerade for some. 

          I have always heard people say truth is the easiest. I am not sure I think that is accurate.  Please, do not misread this statement. I value honesty.  However I think at times iy is more gray than people would believe and far harder to impart, even harder to heed, and far worse to comprehend. There are times we all contact people about issues and we know in our minds what we want to hear, failing to hear those things we are angry.  One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is “they just do not understand”.  They understand most of the time, they just do not see it the way we do and we needed the empathy.  Our ability to hear and discern the truth from other people is directly related in some ways to whether or not people are willing to hear us when we tell it.   I have a friend that had been going through a difficult time in her life.  I have tried to help her through it but in the end, she surrounds herself with people that will tell her what she wants them to say.  At first, I was very upset with her that she would not listen and refused to my aid. I took it very personally. However, the truth is completely gray.  She heard me, she believed I meant well, but ultimately, she was still in denial about the ugliness of it all. Denial is an extremely powerful tool. The truth cannot exist in land of denial, the only thing that thrives there is false hope. Therefore, I began to keep my advice and my thoughts to myself.  I realized that she will share her ugliness and more than likely, my advice is disregarded.

          The other night one of my many “adopted” kids had a troubling status on her Facebook page.  In it, Lindsay proclaimed that she hated that people did not trust her to handle difficult truths because they lied to her.  My reply to her was that we often lie to others not because we do not trust them but because when we are attempting to lie to ourselves, it is easiest to be convincing if we lie to others. For instance, when I am feeling totally out of control, emotional, and/or disharmonious with the world, I tell everyone I am fine.  It is not exactly a life because for me fine means f=freaked out, i=insecure, n=neurotic, e=emotional.  Since I feel those, it is not a lie right?  Wrong, it is a deception to keep everyone from asking me to share.  In my world sharing the wrong things brought about a diatribe of emotional abuse and verbal harassment about how worthless and weak I was.  When I became a single mother, I realized my children and others around me were looking for me to be the strong person they all see in me and so I bottled it all up. Occasionally, when it gets too big for my head and it affects my ability to be a reasonable, rational adult with a good filter then I share.  It is truly not a great habit. My really good friends, realize fine is not a good thing in my world and they will seek the truth.  They make it easier for me to talk it out but that is years in the making. 

I do not negate the possibility that lying to others can be about not trusting them.  I think it is entirely the possibility but the question we have to ask at that point is why they do not trust us to handle the truth.  A very common denominator in trust issues is past baggage.  The past was a great teacher but it is the gift that keeps on giving.  Sometimes those gifts are fatal to our present day growth. The immortal lie “I am over it” is another that we popularly tell ourselves.  If we were over it, if we gained a lesson from it, if we moved on, then we would all realize our present is not our past. We would pack the box store it away and move on, taking with us only a good that would feed our lives. We do not do that though.  We get it out and we talk about how it happened, we look at new friends or partners with a judgment about them as if they were the past person.  We judge others by the mistakes of those that are no longer there.  To grow and to move means you have to forgive and forget the past. The future is about something new. Remember the lessons and adopt your life to make better decisions but the rest is just unimportant baggage. 

“This time is going to be different” is another of the widely spread lies we tell ourselves.   A leopard very seldom changes its spots.  Change comes about by necessity of life that was brought on by some hardship, a terrible pain, or a personal disaster. Someone who has cheated and left but wishes to return should have to prove their desire to come back. If you enable them to come and go multiple times, then the truth is simply that they will continue it. With help, sometimes the solution may require professional assistance.  Addicts and abusers do not just change on their own no matter what they say.  It will require therapy and help.  We can change and grow.  We can adapt but usually that is the person that suffers not so much the person that has the upper hand.  Mean people usually just stay mean people. There has to be a mutual desire to fix a situation and outward action for it to change.  If only one person tries, then the outcome will be the same. Do not look for unseen benefits without effort.

How many times have you made excuses for the people you love when they hurt you? “They did not mean it”.  While not everything is on purpose, everything does involve a choice. Sometimes, unintentional outcomes may cause unexpected grief and havoc that is a fact. Nevertheless, this lie negates your own right to your own feelings.   In the end, you have just enabled the other person to have an infinite free pass to hurt you because you said in a roundabout way that your feelings do not matter.  So what if it is unintentional, it matters if it matters to you. You have to communicate your needs and feelings.  Your feelings are important.  Even those of us suffering from low self-esteem are entitled to basic human decency.  So speak up and say so and the people around you will treat you better.

How many times a day do you use the phrase “I cannot”?  That feeling of hopeless or inability stems from your poor self-esteem and fear.  To say “I cannot” somehow lets us off the hook from trying. It is much easier than charging head long into potential disaster and heartache.  No one wants to be embarrassed by his or her inabilities.  Truth is you never know until you try then try again several more times.  Being unable is one thing but as the cliché goes cannot never did try. If life were meant to be easy then there were be many more satisfied people.  It is meant to be full of trials so that we learn to balance.  When you use you the “can’t” phrase, it shifts the balance to a negative.  In order to find the positive, you have to risk.  It is in the risk we learn so much about ourselves.

My favorite (saying this sarcastically) is “they should apologize first or make the first effort”. This is the fib we use with ourselves to sustain our anger and indignation.  What difference does it make who initiates the bonding process as long as in the end we each say our piece, make amends, and grow together. Although, anger makes us say things we cannot take back and do things to hurt people. In the end they are actions and words, we cannot undo.  We all get angry. Why not just say this makes me angry.  Agree to disagree or to set it aside until you are calmer and can talk it out.  Even an ending should be thought about before acting up on it. Communication is the answer not the problem.  Who starts is irrelevant to fixing the issue.

I am the queen of procrastination.  Every day I start out saying, “I will get that done or I am going to finally going to use that something new I bought a year ago”. As much as I love to write and as much as I feel I have something to contribute, I always think there is a perfect time for it and I wait.  The fear of failure or feeling good about something keeps me paralyzed to thought that if I wait, there will be more perfect words or times.  I buy things that fill up the empty time that I have, because I am procrastinating about doing the one thing that makes me feel good about my day and about myself.  Emptiness only creates more emptiness not all the things in the world will fill it up.  Time and people are precious.  Treat them like the treasure.  It will come back to you tenfold.

I saved the whopper for the last.  They say you should save the best for last.  “I do not need anyone else, I am a rock, I can do it all by myself, I love being alone all the time” BS.  We say that because we are lonely and saying we are all good with ourselves makes it seem less as if we are lonely and less likely that people will treat us like we are desperate spinsters.  If we were meant to be all alone, we would never need more than one bedroom houses or apartments.  Get over you the melodrama; there are millions of people all over the world tonight that want mates or partners.  Go out find one, risk your heart, you will find someone. Maybe it will not last or maybe it will last the rest of your life time but you never know until you try with a positive attitude that you will find love.  It is out there waiting but the looking is up to you. 

I know that I could probably write the rest of the week and not cover all the lies we tell ourselves. These are just some the really big ones that I felt needed to be brought to light. Sometimes the truth is hard. I certainly do not want to say, I am scared, I need help, I want to be loved, I feel alone, I am angry.  They are hard whether I say them to myself or to my friends. The title of the Tyler Perry movie comes to mind, I Can Do Bad All By Myself.  It is very easy to do but often to find success and caring it takes the encouragement of others.  It starts by telling yourself the truth. It may be hard but in dealing with the REAL TRUTH, you have freed your spirit to soar to new heights.  The bad will be smaller than the good.  So be good to yourself. Look in the mirror and have a talk about the truth.  It is the first step to healing.

It's My Fault

         

       I read a quote the other day as I began to think about writing this blog piece that when we make a wrong choice the first time it is a mistake but when we make the same mistake again it is a choice.  It perplexed me for a bit. Everything time we have options it is a choice and just because we have a bad outcome in the beginning does not necessarily mean it is a “bad choice”.  There are so many variables in life that once cannot begin to believe that if we fall down it is simply because we make the ex same mistake.  That statement would not even be logical because no situation is the same and no two people are the same. I guess I would amend the quote this way.  When at first you do not succeed, access what you did wrong and try to do it a better way next time keeping in mind of course the at not all thing are in the realm of your control. I know it is not nearly as poetic but it is much more accurate. 

Love is a glorious, wonderful emotion.  We all seek it out in the people around us.  I think it is important to our emotion development.  As in all facets of life though, the opposite side of love is loss. One of the hardest realizations in life is to admit that any relationship is not what we think it is.  It is especially hard when it comes to a love liaison.  We all want to believe we have it figured out.  Maybe those that have made it for a long period of time have.  In truth though, love is a risk. Those who have great role models probably have a better chance than those of us who do not.   Nonetheless, it is still a risk. There is no guarantee.  The divorce rate in America for first marriage, second, and third marriage are incredibly staggering.  50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. With odds like these, you have to admit it is makes no sense.  You just have to jump into the deep end of the ocean and learn to swim.

So what leads us to make the choices we do? Psychologists say that our parents are our role models.  Our parents show us what marriage or commitment should be to one another but they also demonstrate those characteristics that we will eventually look for in a mate.  For some like myself, we make choices based on the opposite things our parents did because their failures were blazingly obvious and we do not wish to repeat them.  For others whose parents have been committed for a lifetime and celebrated their umpteenth anniversary, they will choose to emulate what they have seen from their parents.  Truth is truth though; neither of these nor all the self-help books and psychologists assures us of a positive outcome.

When it breaks, it can be fixed but often, people are not willing to admit their own failings in order to fix it.   Thus, the end is at hand. 

          There are situations outside the realm of your control but in the end, all of your actions and reactions are your own fault.  If you allow the pain to make you a bitter person, that is your fault not the person that hurt you.  It is your failure to accept and ending that causes the pain. I am not saying you should not feel pain but eventually you have to be willing to move past it to go on. If the person that you chose turns out to be a wrong for you, it is your fault not theirs. YOU have to be willing to adapt your thought process and learn what made them a wrong choice. If you are being controlled that is your issue too you are allowing your passiveness to create the situation.         (Now most of you are working on a huge frustration with my words right about now. I can hear the mutterings of it is all my fault going up all around the cyber world, probably a few not so nice words too. You should know by now though I am not done heck you are only 700 words into the article. So take a deep breath and read a bit further.)

          Life as it happens is about choice, your own free will. While the situations are often outside your control, how they affect you and how you deal with them is in your control.  I used to cringe when my ex husband would say it is all your fault. He meant it so negatively. However, when I was forced to make decisions and I had no input, it was my responsibility to make them and in turn to accept the outcome. Some of them were bad and some turned out far better than I thought they might. Good or bad, they were my choices.  I often laugh with my friend Barb about this phrase now. Our teenagers have often found blame with us about the outcomes or something they are frustrated with us about the things we do. They are our choices and while our choices influence them.  In the end, they are only responsible for how they allow it to sway their emotions.  If you are unwilling to make the decision, unable to decide, or not a part of the initial issue then in truth, you are at fault when the outcome affects you because you made no effort to encourage a positive result or work the negative conclusion.

          Life can be positive, even the worst of situations can bring us positive growth.  We have to be willing to work through our problems, talk about them, and ultimately resolve them.  White elephants in the room often grow into bigger elephants when they are left unresolved.  I cannot think of one person that I would deem emotionally stable that desires drama and conflict.  I think in the end, we all want to get along for the most part.  Occasionally, though disagreement is a healthy form of communication.  It helps us to resolve emotions, thoughts, and ideas that arise from any number of situations in our lives.  It only becomes harmful when we allow it to become unconstructive and demoralizing.

          Bad things happen all the time.  Sometimes in our lives, we are forced to choose the lesser of two evils.  While every outcome seems to bring a different sort of misery, we have to choose. I am different from most people in some respects simply because I accept that cruelty is inevitable, I try not to spend a lot of time questioning the why but a little more time accepting that it has occurred and trying to glean some lesson from its incidence. As I am not excepting a bowl of cherries in the first place, I am not that frustrated when it turns out to be the pits instead. I talk out my frustrations and I move on.  I try to leave the past behind me where it belongs and just carry forth the lessons I have learned but as my friends Stephen and D point out to me, sometimes the morals I brought forward are sometimes more baggage than I need to carry.  We should always be willing to see the world through someone else’s eyes.  Often their point of view can be clearer than our own. 

          In the movie, Letters to Juliet, the character Claire says to her grandson, Charlie, “Life is the messy bits.”  That statement says it all.  When I die, some will say she loved, some will say she lost, some will say she was a success and other will remember my failures but all of them will say she lived. My choices are my life. Good and bad, I am to blame for them but I lived them. Sometimes I dragged my kids kicking and screaming toward the dream of tomorrow but we have all learned to smile at life and enjoy the small details because some days that is all you get the small moments.  So celebrate that life is all your fault. It only means you are strong enough to have lived.