Once upon a time in a land far,
far away there was a country called Teenlandia. In the beginning, parents were
sane and genuinely idealistic, and then came the teenagers. Parents were deep in contemplation about why
they ever thought it was a good idea to have children and the teens who knew
everything were wondering how they were ever born to such stupid parents. There
was an abundance of gray hair and temporary baldness (from pulling all their hair
all out). The carpets were worn from the
constant pacing back and forth. Parents
were hoarse from the screaming for the kids to turn the music down and their
heads were pounding with the thump of the subwoofers. There were constant bills for car accidents
and repairs, the need for hearing aids, and overwhelming necessity for better
anti anxiety medications. The major
attractions were that every household contained an ATM machine that was
supposedly never out of money, there was never any homework until the very day
it was due at school, and every problem was a major drama no matter how big or
small. The parents spoke English and the
kids spoke text or vulgarities. Cell
phone and laptops ran amuck with crazy pictures, stupid stunts, social medias,
and rampant meanness called “joking”. At the end of the day, parents lay their
heads on their pillows and whispered these words, “Thank you, I survived one more
day.”
Now
many of you know me are laughing hysterically at my sarcasm and the rest of you
are probably wondering if I live next door to you. I want to say I am the
survivor of three teenagers soon to be four.
While they all know, I love them dearly, there are certainly days along
the way that I have to confess I wanted either desperately to have them run
away or to be able to go myself. Now
those of you who still have young kids are saying to yourselves, it is not that
bad. You have seen the polite, public
families of kids that make it all look like it is a walk in the park. You think that I am only talking about those
“bad kids” with which your children are not allowed to associate. Well, I have some bad news. You are WRONG, completely, totally, and
utterly wrong. Yes you are!!! I am talking about teenagers, most every
teenager. If you have not had the
pleasure then I have to say your application for sainthood is on the very
bottom of the pile at this point, behind all of us who have.
I
have often mused when other parents said to me, “You have done such an awesome
job. He or she is such a polite, well
behaved child.” I feel like I was a deer
in the headlights. I lived with them I know who they are. I always wanted some
of whatever that drug or alcohol was that allowed them to hallucinate that my
child was obedient. There were times
that I am not sure that I like them very much at all. No one wanted to study but they certainly did
not like being grounded for bad grades.
They would spend hours cleaning their cars but ask them to pick up their
rooms, forget it. They all had their
moments when they were unfriendly, okay downright grumpy and unsocial. My friend Barb and I have often teased about
the fact that the secret to our having successfully survived our teens was a
fully stocked liquor cabinet (for us not them).
The
irony of all of this is that, I thought other people children (most of the
time) were much better than my own. I
would make dinner and they would all gather around. They would offer to help cook or
cleanup. They were so appreciative that
I cooked. Today, I realize the real
irony is that is a classic case of the grass is always greener on the other
side of the septic tank. It is always
easier to like someone else’s children or some other situation that we are not directly
involved with on a regular basis. We do
not see their messy room or their grade cards or deal with their issues. We merely get the momentary glimpses of them
as they hang about our kids. If we lived with them then I would say they
probably see in them something to make us equally as crazy. It is like going to
work you may not be crazy about your boss but you know you have a limited
amount of time to be with him so you put on your kind face and you pretend. As
parents, we love that. It makes feel
rock solid about our own kids and their decision making skills. Eventually though the honeymoon ends, and we
are all facing the awkward music saying how did that happen.
The
keys to survival are different with different families. I tend to do things a little outside the box
so some of my methods were well off the beaten path. All right, they were
really quirky but they worked for the most part. Being a single parent was hard
work and as a stay at home parent, it was often hard to balance personal time
with my family. So consequentially, I
had to find some different thought patterns. Maybe some of them will help you
and some of them will make you realize I am my own special breed of weird.
1.
Respect
and trust are always two-way streets. If
you are not willing to give them freely, chances are you will not be getting
them either. The whole you have to earn
it is really baloney for I do not trust you but I want you to jump through ten
thousand hoops and I will t means they need your help to get up consider
it. Do you want to be treated like
that? If they have never given you a reason to mistrust them or to question
their honor, then why treat them as if they are not trustworthy? Yes, they will make bad choices and sometimes
they need your help to get up this is true even as adults. It does not mean do not watch and do not
discipline.
2.
If you break my trust or abuse my respect, there
are real life consequences. I am not a
huge fan of grounding teenagers. I think that is often more punishment for the
parent. So let me give you some of my
favorite examples. The teen stays out
and does not do his chores. The reality
of that is it still needs done. So after
their late night out, why not just give them an early morning with not only the
original chore but also some extra work?
Dishes not loaded in the dishwasher in my house equals doing dishes by
hand. They did not wash their clothes or
take their laundry out, throw in the sheets and the towels. They will not learn
if you do the chore for them.
3.
Choose your battles and y our compromises
wisely. As a single parent, it quickly
became evident that I could not fight with two teenage boys all the time about
everything and still have time for my two other kids. Therefore, I had to set
some boundaries. Disagreements that did
not come to blows or draw blood were better solved between them without my
intervention. It taught them the value
of working through life’s complications for later in their lives. If I intervened, the general rule is that in
the end neither party was going to be happy. I am the parent and they need guidance but I
found they resented dictatorship.
4.
Always tell them the real truth. Truth is often somewhere in the middle and
seldom black and white. Be fair but be
honest and just. There is a way to talk
to children on a level they can understand.
We ask them to be honest with us but when we imply they are not worthy
of the same by our own actions then in truth we have effectually taught them
that lying is sometimes acceptable. A
wise friend once said to me there is always a way to tell people the truth in a
way they can understand it. This is
especially true of talking with children.
How can they trust you if they catch you lying to them? You can only
know true enjoy when understand pain.
5.
Allow them the right to speak their mind and
make some of the own decisions as long as it is respectful. Remember your job is to prepare them to leave
home and be happy, healthy productive adults. If you allow them to talk things out to, make
their own choices, and expect for them to validate their reasoning then you
have given them the necessary tools to do just that. It does not mean you have to agree or allow
it but letting them talk it out shows that you respect them. Sheltering tour teens leaves them ill
prepared for a world they must eventually join.
If you teach them the value of their mind and their choices, you also
feed their self-esteem. That is an invaluable tool in life. You cannot do a better thing for them than to
allow them the right to fall down. It is a hard I know but so worth the risk.
Just try to withhold the “I told you so as often as possible.”
6.
Allow them their own space. Now, this idea might
be a difficult pill for most of you to swallow so here goes nothing. I like my space a certain way. I do not usually make my bed unless I am
having company. I keep my laptop and books on the opposite side because I often
write, read, or do different things well into the middle of the night. My middle son said to me one time, “If I have
to pick up my toys from where you do not like them then you pick up your toys
too.” At first, I was a bit taken but I
did realize there was some validity in his thought. So the rule became that all
mutual living space in the house had to be clean and picked up, IE the living
room, the kitchen, the dining area, and all bathrooms. Their space IE their room and closets were
their domain unless company was coming over. No food or drink could be left in
the room. I did not pick up the clothes
or wash them if they were not picked up by them. I often had to close the door to avoid being
angry but it gave them a choice. Eventually, the cleaning began. However, the fighting stopped immediately.
7.
Do NOT be the ATM. Currently, kids have so many things, cell
phone, tablets, game systems, mp3 players’ computers cars credit cards nice
clothes… Gone are the days that you can
find entertainment outside playing ball and riding bikes all over the
neighborhood. It seems to be an endless
list of things they wants that they feel are needs. It is easy to be caught up
in the giving. The problem is that it
soon becomes unappreciated and overly expected.
If they get once and they take care of it that is awesome. If not, let them work off the repairing or
replacing fee. After all, we have to
work to do it. That is the way life
goes. The lesson is in teaching them to
be productive and respectful.
8.
The open door policy. Now this sounds simple but I issue a warning
at this point. When you tell teenagers,
they can tell you anything, be prepared because you might just get what you
asked for. The true key is to appear unshocked
and not to get angry. Listen first and
then try to talk it out. Communication
is not easy and it takes a great deal more listening.
9.
When you are wrong as a parent or have made mistakes,
you should admit them openly. The truth
is that we are only human. Sometimes we
rush to judgment or make assumptions that turn out to be false. Showing our teens that we are willing to
accept that we have erred sets the example for them. In turn, they will feel easier about coming
to you when they are in trouble.
10.
The last one is the one of the biggest. Lead by example. If you are narrow minded and judgmental, you
can expect that those same traits will be reflected in your teen. Be careful what traits you really want to
pass on because they will surely come back to bite you in the butt if you are
not. It also makes the difference in how
they will treat others in their lifetimes.
Plant the seeds of optimism, joy, and charity. You will see those seeds grow. You will reap
the rewards of them.
The bonds you build with you
teens are not an accident. They take
work and patience. Some days will be
harder than other days. I am not a
perfect parent. I work hard to do the
best job I can. I think that is the best
any one can ask of you. Every day is a
new challenge. Remember that loving them
is easy. It is the liking them as people
that truly takes lots of work. If you do
not like them, then reflect on the cause and try to help them change to be more
positive. Just accept that at times, the
change starts in you.
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