I can remember almost every first in my daughter’s
life. I can remember bringing her home
from the hospital. She was premature so she barely weighed four pounds. She lay there in front of the window in the
crib on pink sheets. She was so tiny and it began a lifetime of worry. Would
she always seem so fragile and small?
Would she be all right? How
different would it be to have a girl in a house of boys? Who would she turn out to be? The journey to get
her womanhood contained the answers to these questions and tons I had not even
begun to think about yet. Today at age
twenty-two, she is still small and petite but she has more spirit than most other
young women do at her age. Those
brothers of hers roughhoused her right into holding her own with the best of
them and mama molder her right into being a girly girl. We have laughed our way through her
craziness like high heels and mini skirt on a four-wheeler. We cautiously sampled her first cake or ate
dinner that she made totally on her own.
She has been a great big sister to her mildly handicapped brother and
his greatest protector against kids twice her size when he was away from home.
She has become quite a young woman and I am so proud I had a little to do with
that. Through it all, I have admired her
confidence in herself. She is beautiful but she never takes it for granted or
uses it to take advantage of others but she has always known it. Nothing has
been harder for me though than her broken hearts. I see her tears and I am taken back to those
first precious moments when she lay in her crib so small and fragile. I want to protect her from the big bad world
by cuddling her close. As her mother and
biggest fan, it is difficult, to not want to hunt down that young man and
string him up from the nearest tree. At
times, I have considered that even though there were more young men waiting in
the wings to be the next crush of her life, I should have invested in a good
shotgun and many shells.
I feel this particular pain of
guilt wondering if my inability to pick good partners myself is responsible for
her bad luck in the game of love. I
certainly feel like I make better decision than my mother did with the
exception of my father who in my eyes was the smartest choice she ever made
because they unquestionably were all downhill after that. Therefore, I want to believe the same is true
of her too that she did better than I have.
Either way though I just hate to see her hurting. It is so different from my boys, maybe
because at heart I am so old fashioned and I just think they will man-up and be
done with it. In truth, though, I
worried for them too just not as openly as I do with her. I was torn between wanting them to show
themselves as strong (emotionally) men and wanting to smother them with
motherly affections. I think it is
probably just the natural parental instinct to want to protect our children and
to fix the problems they are confronted with.
We want to believe that they should be exempt from the ugliness in the
world. The truth is that they are not
and we cannot shield them.
This past Thursday as the events
unfolded into what would become the finale of yet another tryst. I took a deep breath and did my motherly best
to slow the downfall or at least prevent the inevitable ache. Then as I sat and listened to some of the
alarming facts, I was began to wonder how I missed the obvious signs. She screamed at him about being overly
possessive and isolating her from her friends and family. He screamed back at her about as his
girlfriend she needed his permission to do things. He did not want her to
drink. He wanted to quit her new job
because she did not have enough time for him and he was not sure why she needed
art school anyway. She screamed aback that losing your temper and hitting walls
or other things was immature and she did not feel safe. All I said was, “Shhhhhhh…. We have
neighbors.” I said it over and over
again. Finally, they both quieted down and
I thought it was over. I guess Friday
night was merely a repeat of the previous night.
Maybe just because I want so
badly for her to find a great man to complete her truly full life, I had over
looked the warning signs or maybe simply because she seemed happy I was happy
for her. Maybe it was simply that I did not want to fight about men again with
her. Actually, it was all of them. I chose silence. I chose not to point out that she did not
even text me anymore to tell me where she was and with whom. Jealousy
and possessiveness are not love and affection they are symptoms of emotional
abuse. In ability to control one’s
temper to the point that it takes actual physical motion to relieve it is at
best, very worrisome. One has to ask if he has ever crossed the line with a
person. While his answer was only other
men, it was not reassuring. I was proud
that by herself she realized it was trouble and it was time to be done but at
the same time, I was oddly angered with myself for failing to act. It is such a fine balance and honestly, I
have not found it yet. With one son and
his new wife, I am too vocal. I piss them off so much I hardly see them these
days and I miss them terribly. With my
middle son, I hardly get involved until they have been around a few months
because I do not want to alienate him even further because he cut the apron
strings the day after he graduated high school in no uncertain terms he lets me
know when and how I am needed but always loved.
With her, we are so much alike usually I do not have to say much for her
to know where I am going I think I assumed wrongly that she could read my
thoughts in some ways. The road is
narrow and both sides are filled with the quicksand of misunderstanding.
I have been reminded this week that
so often we let out our own desires cloud our judgments when it comes to our
children. Either we rush to their aid
and despise their mates or we fall madly in love because they are in love. Neither of them is optimal in our parenting
skills. The question then becomes where we
should draw the line between meddling and guidance. I thought I would compile a list helpful
hints contrived mostly from do it all wrong.
1. It is NOT your decision to make. I think you have to be wise enough to speak
the truth and smart enough to know the heart wants what the heart wants so do
not take it personally that they probably are not listening. Just like you and I, they feel what they
feel and it is up to them to find their way through it.
2. Be
honest about your feelings with yourself.
Please, remember to be open minded but not judgmental. Being overly critical only hurts your cause
good and bad. Most teens will run the
opposite direction just because you are there.
So try to see it what they see without being blinded by what you think
and feel or swept away by what they feel.
3. Give
the suitor a chance. People’s true colors will show in time and even the heart
cannot hide the worst of flaws but it does tend to help you see the truest of
stars shine. The story will work itself
out.
4. Choose
wisely when you to give your opinions and even more when to but out of the
situation. The hardest lesson in
parenting to learn is how to let them fall down on their own. As adults, we
know far too well, the pain of being hurt.
It is our first instinct to protect them but in truth, they can never
really experience true joy if they never understand the burden of pain. Certainly,
if they are in danger physically or being isolated then it is your duty to intervene.
Otherwise, use your advice sparingly.
5. Accept
their decisions. Even you think that
person is the greatest thing to happen in your child’s life since chocolate
cake, accept that they do not see it your way.
If it is a person you are not so happy with, accept them with open arms. It is about keeping peace with your family
and keeping the bonds between you intact and healthy.
6. Try
not to be overly involved, which I have to say I fail to do too many
times. We are a close family. So I tend to see others as just part of the
group but in truth, many find it a daunting task to fit in. Others look at us in jealousy or question if
we are real. It is hard to surmise how
to cope.
7. When
you are wrong, admit it and make reparations.
We are merely human and like all humans, we make blunders. All we can do is the best we can but
sometimes that means admitting we do not always have the answers.
8. Celebrate
the joys, but pick up the pieces too. I
told you so may be the wisest advice but it will not help the situation. Put on
your best smile and open your heart for all the celebrations of love. They are
the path we must all walk to find our one true mate.
9. Lastly
and most importantly, remember you were young once. Remember those feelings and be
sympathetic. They will only hate you for
a little while until they realize how much they truly need you or they want
money again. ~winks!!! Try to identify
with them at that age and consider their opinions and trials in making your
decisions. Keep in mind these immortal
words- THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!
Being a parent is so hard. You are often walking a very precarious road.
You are constantly second guessing yourself after a bad outcome. The children
especially teenagers are happy to help you feel guilty as possible for totally “ruining”
their lives. Some days they will hate you, some days you will be their best
friend but most regardless, you are the parent and you have to keep on going. Being strong does not always mean being right
but it does mean trying your best to do what is right for everyone.
We all love and lose. Our children are not exceptions to the rule they are merely an extension of the time honored traditions. Sometimes
it seems like the end of the world. We will all deal with it differently.
Sometimes we will be happy and relieved thinking it is party time while others
will involve a river of tears and countless hours of sad music. Sometimes we all surround ourselves with
comfort food or tie one on. Then there are those times when it is a night out
with friends picking up someone new. No
one can say how it will feel or what to do.
You just need to be sure you do the feelings and move on. There is always another grand love affair
waiting and another possible broken heart. We cannot as parents tell them how to feel or when to be done with it. We can only be there to help them through it.
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