Not My Mama's Broken Heart

           I can remember almost every first in my daughter’s life.  I can remember bringing her home from the hospital. She was premature so she barely weighed four pounds.   She lay there in front of the window in the crib on pink sheets. She was so tiny and it began a lifetime of worry. Would she always seem so fragile and small?  Would she be all right?  How different would it be to have a girl in a house of boys?  Who would she turn out to be? The journey to get her womanhood contained the answers to these questions and tons I had not even begun to think about yet.  Today at age twenty-two, she is still small and petite but she has more spirit than most other young women do at her age.   Those brothers of hers roughhoused her right into holding her own with the best of them and mama molder her right into being a girly girl.   We have laughed our way through her craziness like high heels and mini skirt on a four-wheeler.  We cautiously sampled her first cake or ate dinner that she made totally on her own.  She has been a great big sister to her mildly handicapped brother and his greatest protector against kids twice her size when he was away from home. She has become quite a young woman and I am so proud I had a little to do with that.  Through it all, I have admired her confidence in herself. She is beautiful but she never takes it for granted or uses it to take advantage of others but she has always known it. Nothing has been harder for me though than her broken hearts.  I see her tears and I am taken back to those first precious moments when she lay in her crib so small and fragile.  I want to protect her from the big bad world by cuddling her close.  As her mother and biggest fan, it is difficult, to not want to hunt down that young man and string him up from the nearest tree.  At times, I have considered that even though there were more young men waiting in the wings to be the next crush of her life, I should have invested in a good shotgun and many shells. 

I feel this particular pain of guilt wondering if my inability to pick good partners myself is responsible for her bad luck in the game of love.  I certainly feel like I make better decision than my mother did with the exception of my father who in my eyes was the smartest choice she ever made because they unquestionably were all downhill after that.  Therefore, I want to believe the same is true of her too that she did better than I have.  Either way though I just hate to see her hurting.  It is so different from my boys, maybe because at heart I am so old fashioned and I just think they will man-up and be done with it.  In truth, though, I worried for them too just not as openly as I do with her.  I was torn between wanting them to show themselves as strong (emotionally) men and wanting to smother them with motherly affections.  I think it is probably just the natural parental instinct to want to protect our children and to fix the problems they are confronted with.  We want to believe that they should be exempt from the ugliness in the world.  The truth is that they are not and we cannot shield them.

This past Thursday as the events unfolded into what would become the finale of yet another tryst.  I took a deep breath and did my motherly best to slow the downfall or at least prevent the inevitable ache.   Then as I sat and listened to some of the alarming facts, I was began to wonder how I missed the obvious signs.  She screamed at him about being overly possessive and isolating her from her friends and family.  He screamed back at her about as his girlfriend she needed his permission to do things. He did not want her to drink.  He wanted to quit her new job because she did not have enough time for him and he was not sure why she needed art school anyway. She screamed aback that losing your temper and hitting walls or other things was immature and she did not feel safe.   All I said was, “Shhhhhhh…. We have neighbors.”  I said it over and over again.  Finally, they both quieted down and I thought it was over.  I guess Friday night was merely a repeat of the previous night.

Maybe just because I want so badly for her to find a great man to complete her truly full life, I had over looked the warning signs or maybe simply because she seemed happy I was happy for her. Maybe it was simply that I did not want to fight about men again with her.  Actually, it was all of them.  I chose silence.  I chose not to point out that she did not even text me anymore to tell me where she was and with whom.   Jealousy and possessiveness are not love and affection they are symptoms of emotional abuse.   In ability to control one’s temper to the point that it takes actual physical motion to relieve it is at best, very worrisome. One has to ask if he has ever crossed the line with a person.  While his answer was only other men, it was not reassuring.  I was proud that by herself she realized it was trouble and it was time to be done but at the same time, I was oddly angered with myself for failing to act.  It is such a fine balance and honestly, I have not found it yet.  With one son and his new wife, I am too vocal. I piss them off so much I hardly see them these days and I miss them terribly.  With my middle son, I hardly get involved until they have been around a few months because I do not want to alienate him even further because he cut the apron strings the day after he graduated high school in no uncertain terms he lets me know when and how I am needed but always loved.  With her, we are so much alike usually I do not have to say much for her to know where I am going I think I assumed wrongly that she could read my thoughts in some ways.   The road is narrow and both sides are filled with the quicksand of misunderstanding. 

I have been reminded this week that so often we let out our own desires cloud our judgments when it comes to our children.  Either we rush to their aid and despise their mates or we fall madly in love because they are in love.  Neither of them is optimal in our parenting skills.  The question then becomes where we should draw the line between meddling and guidance.  I thought I would compile a list helpful hints contrived mostly from do it all wrong.

1.        It is NOT your decision to make.  I think you have to be wise enough to speak the truth and smart enough to know the heart wants what the heart wants so do not take it personally that they probably are not listening.   Just like you and I, they feel what they feel and it is up to them to find their way through it.

2.       Be honest about your feelings with yourself.  Please, remember to be open minded but not judgmental.  Being overly critical only hurts your cause good and bad.  Most teens will run the opposite direction just because you are there.  So try to see it what they see without being blinded by what you think and feel or swept away by what they feel.

3.       Give the suitor a chance. People’s true colors will show in time and even the heart cannot hide the worst of flaws but it does tend to help you see the truest of stars shine.  The story will work itself out.

4.       Choose wisely when you to give your opinions and even more when to but out of the situation.  The hardest lesson in parenting to learn is how to let them fall down on their own. As adults, we know far too well, the pain of being hurt.  It is our first instinct to protect them but in truth, they can never really experience true joy if they never understand the burden of pain. Certainly, if they are in danger physically or being isolated then it is your duty to intervene.  Otherwise, use your advice sparingly.

5.       Accept their decisions.  Even you think that person is the greatest thing to happen in your child’s life since chocolate cake, accept that they do not see it your way.  If it is a person you are not so happy with, accept them with open arms.  It is about keeping peace with your family and keeping the bonds between you intact and healthy.

6.       Try not to be overly involved, which I have to say I fail to do too many times.  We are a close family.  So I tend to see others as just part of the group but in truth, many find it a daunting task to fit in.  Others look at us in jealousy or question if we are real.  It is hard to surmise how to cope.

7.       When you are wrong, admit it and make reparations.  We are merely human and like all humans, we make blunders.  All we can do is the best we can but sometimes that means admitting we do not always have the answers.

8.       Celebrate the joys, but pick up the pieces too.  I told you so may be the wisest advice but it will not help the situation. Put on your best smile and open your heart for all the celebrations of love. They are the path we must all walk to find our one true mate.

9.       Lastly and most importantly, remember you were young once.  Remember those feelings and be sympathetic.  They will only hate you for a little while until they realize how much they truly need you or they want money again. ~winks!!!   Try to identify with them at that age and consider their opinions and trials in making your decisions.  Keep in mind these immortal words- THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!

Being a parent is so hard.  You are often walking a very precarious road. You are constantly second guessing yourself after a bad outcome. The children especially teenagers are happy to help you feel guilty as possible for totally “ruining” their lives. Some days they will hate you, some days you will be their best friend but most regardless, you are the parent and you have to keep on going.  Being strong does not always mean being right but it does mean trying your best to do what is right for everyone.

We all love and lose. Our children are not exceptions to the rule they are merely an extension of the time honored traditions. Sometimes it seems like the end of the world. We will all deal with it differently. Sometimes we will be happy and relieved thinking it is party time while others will involve a river of tears and countless hours of sad music.  Sometimes we all surround ourselves with comfort food or tie one on. Then there are those times when it is a night out with friends picking up someone new.  No one can say how it will feel or what to do.  You just need to be sure you do the feelings and move on.  There is always another grand love affair waiting and another possible broken heart. We cannot as parents tell them how to feel or when to be done with it.  We can only be there to help them through it.  

                            

Gossip

“Hey guess what!”

                “I found your nose.”

                “It was in my business again.”

Originally, this witticism was meant to be sarcastically humorous.  It certainly made me smile at first, until I realized how exasperatingly true it is on a regular basis with far too many people.  It would seem that America’s favorite pastime is no longer baseball but gossip.  The rumor mill seems to be cranking out new trash at an increasingly swift pace.  The tales of celebrities, politicians, professional athletes, and even infamous criminals are flying off the newsstands around the country. Americans have created a multibillion-dollar business of entertaining the gossipmongers.  Newspapers, magazines, television, and even online all carry the antics of all your favorite people and even those you love to hate.  Tune in, turn on, read up… It’s all there some version of the truth very seldom ever verified for accuracy.  The juicier the tidbits the more money there is to be made.  So please, repeat it all and be sure to give notice where you got it so even more of your friends can contribute to the wealth and success of GOSSIP. 

There seems to be an endless supply of rumors to go around.  This celebrity is sleeping with another’s spouse.  That one is doing drugs. That politician is getting his bottom tickled with a pink feather.  Did you hear about the one who was arrested?   I bet he is not going to jail. Of course, we need to know how much they spend on vacation.  God forbid, we fail to share in a family misfortune or be the last ones to see the baby’s first pictures.  His or her heartbreak is certainly something everyone should be shared.  My personal favorites are their divorce settlements and how much money they make. Seriously, we all want to read about the fact that one person needs ninety-six room mansion on ten thousand acres.  I have not a single other thing to do than to dedicate my time into knowing more about the famous and the infamous nude bathing on some beach in some foreign land.  Did you know that pro athletes are doing steroids? It’s the only way to win really.  Let us not forget to point out their sexual preferences because who they sleep with and how many is so my business. 

Even today’s tragedies are blown up, exposed, and turned into to an agenda for some special interest group.  I remember only hours after the shootings at Sandyhook Elementary, groups were calling for gun control to protect our children and still others were saying arm the teachers.   Let us not forget the wave of negative Muslim sentiments that happened after the Boston Marathon and the bombings on September 11^th.  Just yesterday, new problems arose with the shootings in the Navy yard in Washington D.C. and already Facebook is busy with this and that posting.  My first thought was oh my gosh, here we go again.  Please feel free to be judge and jury over a trial that you heard about for five minutes on the some social media because obviously that scoundrel needs to be put to death.  Really, why worry about proving his guilt or anything.  Let us all remember to keep bigotry alive by pointing out the race of every criminal versus the ethnic group of the victim because that is the only reason that he would do that. 

My favorite response is let us pray!  Are you freaking kidding yourself or me?  Let us pray to be saved from the temptation and the desire to think we really need to know all the gory details to begin with.  We need to spend more time praying for our own sins, than those of our neighbors.  In truth, I feel like the mere mention of Christianity and gossip are fully at odds with each other.  Instead of let us pray, we should just simply be truthful and say let us repeat all we hear with no concern for truth because it that is our real intention.  It frustrates me that people use the Bible to beat you over the head with your sins.  I do not need you to play God for me. A little more self-discipline and self-scrutiny is what is truly in order.   I could be very wrong but I do believe that Jesus one said to a crowd of people wishing to stone a fallen woman, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone.”  (John 8:7)

What makes gossip so preferable?  Why do people so easily fall victim to the desire to talk, tlak , talk?  When you are sitting there passing judgments on people you do not even know do you feel better about your life?  Does it someone how alleviate your stress?  I do not know.  Personally, I try to do it as little as possible. I always wonder what people are saying when I leave the room so I try not to be the person saying anything.  I love to watch a good movie but I realize as a fan that they are doing their jobs.  They entertain me for a short while.  Their lives like mine are separate from their jobs.   As a writer and amateur photographer, I invite you to view the world from my eyes.  I share my point of view and my thoughts with everyone that reads or views a piece of work.  You are welcome to glean whatever goodness from the composition that you can.  You are also free to disparage its contents and the subject matter at hand.  This does not give you the right to pass judgment on me as a person or the right to be educated about my private affairs.  You may think you know but often there is far more hiding from plain sight that is not revealed.  That obscure vision alone makes your opinions useless.  As a life coach, I am invited into your world to help you solve an issue in your own life.   I am there to help you find a more positive path to travel.  I am not there to cast disapproval on your very being.  Talking about your tribulations to other people is not a productive solution for you nor does it make me my job rewarding emotionally, mentally, or financially. 

Gos·sip (ˈgäsəp)

Noun

1.       Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

"He became the subject of much local gossip"

Verb

1.       Engage in gossip.

"They would start gossiping about her as soon as she left.”

By its own definition, gossip is detrimental to the truth.   It is merely the accusation of supposition.  The nature of gossip is that it might have started with some grain of truth.   Then it is repeated time and again. Every time some of the words are changed thereby making the story different.  Each person adds his or her own conclusions and in doing so changes the story a little bit more.  Then the small parts are omitted thus changing it even more.  In the end, whatever morsel of truth once existed has been lost in a sea of confusion and personal embellishments.

Obviously, the best way to avoid gossip and the collateral damage it causes is to merely not engage in it all together.  I think that should be understood.  However, for my purposes today I will repeat the warning for encouragement.  Just because you hear it, it does not mean it needs repeating. Sometimes a silence is much more powerful than words.

Secondly, the old attaché, think before you speak comes to mind.  My dad you to say you should always chew on your words a bit before you spit them out.  I do believe in healthy, productive communication.  I believe that talking things out with others makes us better human beings.  Talking ABOUT them, not so much though.  Therefore, before you repeat what you think you may know, just take a deep breath, and think on it.  Is what you are about to say harmful or helpful?

Thirdly, ALWAYS TRY TO TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WISH THEY WOULD TREAT YOU!  If you would not wish others, to be discussing your life and its vicissitudes then remember they too feel the same way.  No one is immune to the harm words can cause.  It often creates even more of a burden on anyone to fight gossip.   I am reminded of a story I heard once about a man that was accused of sexual abuse with a student. It turned out that the student had lied and the man was exonerated completely.   The damage was insurmountable though.  The man lost his reputation and his livelihood.  After an extended period, the man committed suicide.  He felt that was the only way to save his family.  He had done nothing wrong.  Gossip made it seem impossible. People are often more easily swayed to believe the bad about someone than the good.

Fourthly, be the positive influence.  Words are powerful.  Use them well and they will serve you well.  Remember that life is precarious at best. One day the winds of fortune are blowing your sails across the ocean and the next you are stranded in the middle of nowhere.  No one gets through life unscathed.  My cousin Becky asked on her Facebook status last night, “How do you see yourself?”  Her version was that she was rough around the edges and had walls built to protect her from outside harm.  My version of her was that she like so many others had grown roots. Like the tree that weathers the storm, her roots keep her firmly unshakable during the rough times.   I see that she is careful to bend with the wind but not so far that it broke her trunk.  I think it makes her admirable.  What I wanted was to give her a firm and positive outlook to replace the somewhat negative and broken one she had. 

Last, remember to deal in the truth.  Investigate the things you pass on if you can.  Tabloids are filled with half-truths and lies.  If you do not know the facts, then do not treat it as truth.   Be skeptical, be practical, and be positive.  Treat gossip with indifference not a necessity to engage in during your day.  

No matter what I write here today, I cannot change the fact that people will do what they want.  Some of them are bound to spend a lifetime selling words as a whore sells sex on the street corner.  You can only be held accountable for your own actions. One unfortunate truth is that there is so much of life that affects us that is truly outside the realm of our own control.   All you can do is be a better person yourself and hope to lead by example.  No one is perfect or above reproach.  We all make mistakes.   We share things or say things we did not really mean to repeat.  We have all made the error of using what we know, true or not, to hurt someone in anger.  All you can do is apologize, try to make amends, and move on.  You can only try everyday to be better than one before.   Gossip is a growing addiction in this country.  The movement to contain it begins with each individual.  So do your part by just saying no.

Teenlandia

             

  I was struggling with a beginning today so I posted on my Facebook for advice.  My daughter says, “Once upon a time  ...” My friend [posted “in a land far, far away”.  Another posted, “In the beginning”. So here it goes. 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a country called Teenlandia. In the beginning, parents were sane and genuinely idealistic, and then came the teenagers.  Parents were deep in contemplation about why they ever thought it was a good idea to have children and the teens who knew everything were wondering how they were ever born to such stupid parents. There was an abundance of gray hair and temporary baldness (from pulling all their hair all out).  The carpets were worn from the constant pacing back and forth.  Parents were hoarse from the screaming for the kids to turn the music down and their heads were pounding with the thump of the subwoofers.  There were constant bills for car accidents and repairs, the need for hearing aids, and overwhelming necessity for better anti anxiety medications.  The major attractions were that every household contained an ATM machine that was supposedly never out of money, there was never any homework until the very day it was due at school, and every problem was a major drama no matter how big or small.  The parents spoke English and the kids spoke text or vulgarities.  Cell phone and laptops ran amuck with crazy pictures, stupid stunts, social medias, and rampant meanness called “joking”. At the end of the day, parents lay their heads on their pillows and whispered these words, “Thank you, I survived one more day.”

                Now many of you know me are laughing hysterically at my sarcasm and the rest of you are probably wondering if I live next door to you. I want to say I am the survivor of three teenagers soon to be four.  While they all know, I love them dearly, there are certainly days along the way that I have to confess I wanted either desperately to have them run away or to be able to go myself.   Now those of you who still have young kids are saying to yourselves, it is not that bad.  You have seen the polite, public families of kids that make it all look like it is a walk in the park.  You think that I am only talking about those “bad kids” with which your children are not allowed to associate.  Well, I have some bad news.  You are WRONG, completely, totally, and utterly wrong.  Yes you are!!!  I am talking about teenagers, most every teenager.  If you have not had the pleasure then I have to say your application for sainthood is on the very bottom of the pile at this point, behind all of us who have.

                I have often mused when other parents said to me, “You have done such an awesome job.  He or she is such a polite, well behaved child.”  I feel like I was a deer in the headlights. I lived with them I know who they are. I always wanted some of whatever that drug or alcohol was that allowed them to hallucinate that my child was obedient.  There were times that I am not sure that I like them very much at all.  No one wanted to study but they certainly did not like being grounded for bad grades.  They would spend hours cleaning their cars but ask them to pick up their rooms, forget it.   They all had their moments when they were unfriendly, okay downright grumpy and unsocial.   My friend Barb and I have often teased about the fact that the secret to our having successfully survived our teens was a fully stocked liquor cabinet (for us not them).

                The irony of all of this is that, I thought other people children (most of the time) were much better than my own.  I would make dinner and they would all gather around.  They would offer to help cook or cleanup.  They were so appreciative that I cooked.  Today, I realize the real irony is that is a classic case of the grass is always greener on the other side of the septic tank.  It is always easier to like someone else’s children or some other situation that we are not directly involved with on a regular basis.  We do not see their messy room or their grade cards or deal with their issues.  We merely get the momentary glimpses of them as they hang about our kids. If we lived with them then I would say they probably see in them something to make us equally as crazy. It is like going to work you may not be crazy about your boss but you know you have a limited amount of time to be with him so you put on your kind face and you pretend. As parents, we love that.  It makes feel rock solid about our own kids and their decision making skills.   Eventually though the honeymoon ends, and we are all facing the awkward music saying how did that happen.

                The keys to survival are different with different families.  I tend to do things a little outside the box so some of my methods were well off the beaten path. All right, they were really quirky but they worked for the most part. Being a single parent was hard work and as a stay at home parent, it was often hard to balance personal time with my family.   So consequentially, I had to find some different thought patterns. Maybe some of them will help you and some of them will make you realize I am my own special breed of weird.

                 

1.        Respect and trust are always two-way streets.  If you are not willing to give them freely, chances are you will not be getting them either.  The whole you have to earn it is really baloney for I do not trust you but I want you to jump through ten thousand hoops and I will t means they need your help to get up consider it.   Do you want to be treated like that? If they have never given you a reason to mistrust them or to question their honor, then why treat them as if they are not trustworthy?  Yes, they will make bad choices and sometimes they need your help to get up this is true even as adults.  It does not mean do not watch and do not discipline.

2.       If you break my trust or abuse my respect, there are real life consequences.  I am not a huge fan of grounding teenagers. I think that is often more punishment for the parent.  So let me give you some of my favorite examples.  The teen stays out and does not do his chores.   The reality of that is it still needs done.  So after their late night out, why not just give them an early morning with not only the original chore but also some extra work?  Dishes not loaded in the dishwasher in my house equals doing dishes by hand.  They did not wash their clothes or take their laundry out, throw in the sheets and the towels. They will not learn if you do the chore for them. 

3.       Choose your battles and y our compromises wisely.  As a single parent, it quickly became evident that I could not fight with two teenage boys all the time about everything and still have time for my two other kids. Therefore, I had to set some boundaries.  Disagreements that did not come to blows or draw blood were better solved between them without my intervention.  It taught them the value of working through life’s complications for later in their lives.  If I intervened, the general rule is that in the end neither party was going to be happy.  I am the parent and they need guidance but I found they resented dictatorship.

4.       Always tell them the real truth.  Truth is often somewhere in the middle and seldom black and white.  Be fair but be honest and just.  There is a way to talk to children on a level they can understand.  We ask them to be honest with us but when we imply they are not worthy of the same by our own actions then in truth we have effectually taught them that lying is sometimes acceptable.  A wise friend once said to me there is always a way to tell people the truth in a way they can understand it.  This is especially true of talking with children.  How can they trust you if they catch you lying to them? You can only know true enjoy when understand pain.

5.       Allow them the right to speak their mind and make some of the own decisions as long as it is respectful.  Remember your job is to prepare them to leave home and be happy, healthy productive adults.  If you allow them to talk things out to, make their own choices, and expect for them to validate their reasoning then you have given them the necessary tools to do just that.  It does not mean you have to agree or allow it but letting them talk it out shows that you respect them.  Sheltering tour teens leaves them ill prepared for a world they must eventually join.  If you teach them the value of their mind and their choices, you also feed their self-esteem. That is an invaluable tool in life.  You cannot do a better thing for them than to allow them the right to fall down. It is a hard I know but so worth the risk. Just try to withhold the “I told you so as often as possible.”

6.       Allow them their own space. Now, this idea might be a difficult pill for most of you to swallow so here goes nothing.  I like my space a certain way.  I do not usually make my bed unless I am having company. I keep my laptop and books on the opposite side because I often write, read, or do different things well into the middle of the night.  My middle son said to me one time, “If I have to pick up my toys from where you do not like them then you pick up your toys too.”  At first, I was a bit taken but I did realize there was some validity in his thought. So the rule became that all mutual living space in the house had to be clean and picked up, IE the living room, the kitchen, the dining area, and all bathrooms.  Their space IE their room and closets were their domain unless company was coming over. No food or drink could be left in the room.  I did not pick up the clothes or wash them if they were not picked up by them.   I often had to close the door to avoid being angry but it gave them a choice. Eventually, the cleaning began.  However, the fighting stopped immediately.

7.       Do NOT be the ATM.  Currently, kids have so many things, cell phone, tablets, game systems, mp3 players’ computers cars credit cards nice clothes…  Gone are the days that you can find entertainment outside playing ball and riding bikes all over the neighborhood.  It seems to be an endless list of things they wants that they feel are needs. It is easy to be caught up in the giving.  The problem is that it soon becomes unappreciated and overly expected.  If they get once and they take care of it that is awesome.  If not, let them work off the repairing or replacing fee.  After all, we have to work to do it.  That is the way life goes.  The lesson is in teaching them to be productive and respectful.

8.       The open door policy.  Now this sounds simple but I issue a warning at this point.  When you tell teenagers, they can tell you anything, be prepared because you might just get what you asked for.  The true key is to appear unshocked and not to get angry.  Listen first and then try to talk it out.  Communication is not easy and it takes a great deal more listening. 

9.       When you are wrong as a parent or have made mistakes, you should admit them openly.  The truth is that we are only human.  Sometimes we rush to judgment or make assumptions that turn out to be false.  Showing our teens that we are willing to accept that we have erred sets the example for them.  In turn, they will feel easier about coming to you when they are in trouble. 

10.   The last one is the one of the biggest.  Lead by example.  If you are narrow minded and judgmental, you can expect that those same traits will be reflected in your teen.  Be careful what traits you really want to pass on because they will surely come back to bite you in the butt if you are not.  It also makes the difference in how they will treat others in their lifetimes.  Plant the seeds of optimism, joy, and charity.  You will see those seeds grow. You will reap the rewards of them.

The bonds you build with you teens are not an accident.  They take work and patience.  Some days will be harder than other days.  I am not a perfect parent.  I work hard to do the best job I can.  I think that is the best any one can ask of you.  Every day is a new challenge.  Remember that loving them is easy.  It is the liking them as people that truly takes lots of work.  If you do not like them, then reflect on the cause and try to help them change to be more positive.  Just accept that at times, the change starts in you.

Why Not?

   I was chatting with a friend of mine recently.  After moving to another state, he has begun the tedious process of finding a new job.   He had always done construction work as supervisor but was considering an entirely different career path.  As the conversation progressed, he mused about his oldest son’s response to his dilemma, “why not Dad?” Now he said it as if he was amazed by the question but in truth, I wanted to know the answer.  To me, it seemed like a simple but intelligent inquiry.  The reply was filled with all the major concerns that were usually preceded by what if.  If you consider the how innocuous the these four small words are all by themselves, one would really have to would probably laugh hysterically about the fact that in truth these four words are the leading causes of  centuries of debates and worry.  Analyzing and thinking the process through is truly an admirable quality. However, at times, I see that it could cause just as much chaos as runs into the fire and sorting it all out on the go.   Why Not? What if?  They are simple words but when used together they have the power to haunt you for a lifetime if you let them.  The question is why do you let them.

I love this clip in the movie, We Bought A Zoo.  The character Benjamin Mee lost his wife. In a bid to start his life over and to help his children heal, he purchases a large house that has a zoo. This is welcome news for his daughter, but his son is very unhappy to leave his friends and the life he has always known. The zoo is need of renovation and Benjamin sets about the work with the head zookeeper, Kelly, and the rest of the zoo staff. The zoo soon runs into financial trouble. The staff must get the zoo back to its former glory, pass a zoo inspection, and get it back open to the public. At the last moment, he finds a substantial amount of money that his wife left, knowing he would need “seed” money for a new adventure.  Her only instructions were not to listen to reason but to follow his heart.  If you have not seen the movie, I highly recommend it.   The film is based on the true story of this family.  I was so impressed with simple understanding that this woman had for her life.  Why Not?  She recognized the value of allowing her heart to guide her and that by risking she would find the best of rewards.  She did not live her life plagued the what if’s. 

                Along time ago, my father said to me, “Girl you have a tendency to jump off cliffs and learn to fly on the way down.”  I know he did not entirely mean it to sound insulting but I know he always worried about how much my lack of thought in the decision making process would hurt me.  I think about decisions but I often find when I am having trouble making up my mind, it is because I am trying to talk myself into doing something that does not settle well inside or something I know it will lead to disaster but I really want to do it anyway. Early on in life, I realized the value of discernment.  I tend to have an intuitive perception of the right answer.  Now it does not always work but I find it has its blessings.  I do not think that I have stopped worry or questioning but I have managed to cut out the trepidation about jumping into things most of the time. I know sometimes I will land successfully and sometimes I will fall on my face. I accept that risk because the simple truth is this you can never learn to fly if you are afraid to fall down.  Yes, that means you get hurt sometimes.  Yes, that means that it does not turn out the way you want occasionally but I would rather live with the agony of defeat than the continual gift of regret. Have you ever noticed that regret and guilt follow you like your shadow?  They just keep on giving.  Yes, I have regrets today. There are certainly things that I wish I had done differently but for the most part, they are not about the risks I took as much as they are about the relationships I chose.  I talked myself into some really rotten men. 

Life is full of questions. You can plot and plan.  You can reflect on them for a great deal of time.  In the end, it simply comes down to making a choice.   For some that is easier than for others.  Eventually, you have to decide to risk something in order to gain something.  The strategies we use in making those choices vary. After doing some research, I want to pass on a few thoughts that the experts and others say they use to make decisions.

1.       Distract yourself with something else for 2 to 5 minutes. Brain scans during experiments show that after a small distraction your mind more readily focuses on an issue. (Carnegie -Melton study).  Does it work? Sometimes if I walk away for a short time, I can see a different point of view and at other times, I think it makes me more apprehensive. While I have mixed emotions about the use of this strategy, I cannot dispute the validity of it.

2.       Avoid impulsiveness.  I have to say I probably fail at this one.  Instead of pushing yourself, try doing something to keep busy and resist the urge to make choices based on a whim.  One article suggested drinking several glasses of water and setting specific times to wait before using the restroom. (No, I am not making this up.)  They say it is a method to training to your mind to avoid rash selections. I can see the value of this to avoiding impulsive spending.  Buyer’s remorse (the guilt about a purchase) can have negative impact on your ability to commit to a decision in the future because you become unable to trust your own judgment.

3.       Limit your options. In our household, my daughter struggles with the simplest things, for instance what to have for dinner or which movie to watch.  In an attempt to make the process quicker and easier, we have the three choice method.  We begin with three possibilities and then she is able to hone in what she desires much faster. When faced with too much variety, the stress can overwhelm your senses.  With a limited field, the selection process is easier.  This works best if you have someone help with the initial breakdown.

4.       Go for a walk clear your mind or do something physical.  My grandmother used to call this clearing out the cobwebs.  The physical exertion helps your body to stay in motion as well as your mind.  There is a lot of science involved here too but I am not sure how to explain it well so I will leave the attempt alone.  Sometimes, all you need is a clear field of vision literally to identify what is standing in your way mentally. 

5.       Seek out advice. We all have people we talk to about different things.  They can often point out to us, a path we had not seen before or they may have some knowledge that we do not have.  Sometimes, it is as simple asking the waiter or sales clerk which one they would choose because they work with or around the product all the time.

6.       In the book, The Art of Choosing, they suggest considering all your choices at the same time instead of one at a time.  This is said easy but done difficultly.  Usually people tend to think in one dimension so seeing all points of view at the same time may take effort.  Out points of view are clouded by learned and taught behaviors from everywhere, schools, churches, offices, ect.  It is hard to see something from every direction when you are trained to think of it in one way or another.  People often think they are open minded and seldom realize how narrow their vision truly is.

7.       Think through each option and its consequences by imagining the future. Consider what happens in an hour, a day, a week, and/or a year.  Visualize how this choice might play out in the future and what paths of your life and those in your life that a choice might affect.  If you are truthful with yourself, you might you can see the repercussions both negative and positive.

8.       Weigh out the financial costs versus the monetary rewards. This can be difficult at times because what solves the problem today may be the problem tomorrow. Risk and reward go hand in hand but so do stagnation and destruction. 

9.       The last one is one of my own. For me, I think it is the biggest consideration. KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR CAPABILITIES.  Life is easy if you can be truthful with yourself.  If I am capable of this much today then tomorrow, I should exceed that.   Risk will not seem do daring if you are in touch with yourself.

      The bottom line is this.  These are all valid strategies and they can all aid you in making a choice but ultimately you have to make that choice.  T. S. Eliot said, “Only those willing to risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one can go.  You have to be willing to jump off the cliff.  Sometimes even though you think, you know the answer, it will not turn out and you will fall down.  The only guarantee in life that I can truthfully say is absolute is that once you are born, you begin the journey toward death.   What you do in between is entirely up to you. Me, I think I still have a few more cliffs to jump off before I am done.   It is simple, when you get down to the heart of the matter, if you want to avoid the regrets and the “what ifs”   all you have to do when you are considering the your options is ask yourself, Why not?  If you cannot come up with some really valid truths, then risk something because the reward is waiting.