Raising a Home Wrecker

I love to read other people’s blogs.  My friend, Barb, sends me one occasionally from Runner’s World called Mile Markers written by Kristen Armstrong, a very insightful woman she applies her life to running and exercise but in a very wonderful manner. The last one I read in truth was “Detours”.  She talked about how having a special needs child was a bit like being packed to go to Italy and instead landing at the airport seeing the sign that says welcome to Holland.  She discussed how it was not a bad place to visit it just was not the vacation that you prepared for.   I read the article with tears in my eyes saying,” oh my gosh, I know this story.”  Another that I read on a regular basis is written by biological daughter, Rebecca Trimble. It is called Kit’s Sweets.  It is religious grounded and while I am not sure that I am always on the same page, I do enjoy reading it and I love her way of getting to the heart of the matter.  Therefore, when I say to all of you that an acquaintance asked me to read this blog, you will understand I was excited to go and do so. I enjoy hearing other points of view and it sometimes helps to clear the cobwebs in my mind.   What I found has bothered me for several days!  So in my way I am going to write it out.  I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO SHARE THE ADDRESS OF THIS BLOG BECAUSE IT OFFENDS ME TO DO SO BUT I WILL EXPLAIN SO THAT YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND MY PURPOSE.

I am a single mother.  I have a daughter that I raised.  She is an incredible artist. I think I raised her to be an honorable, self sufficient, positive, free thinker with great respect for those around her. I taught her the value of a good education and following your dreams.  I taught her be her own person.  I taught her to speak her mind in a respectful manner.  I told her that when she left home she should be able to take care of herself in all manners, physically, financially, and emotionally.  I taught her that love is important and to treasure it but not to let anyone use her for a doormat.  She learned to respect the sanctity of marriage and relationships.   I educated her on the responsibility of loving herself.  I have emphatically drilled in her head the message that any man that will emotionally abuse her is only a pace away from physical abuse and that is not a healthy place to be. I allowed her to be a child and play.  I helped her to enjoy being beautiful because I never felt that way. I permitted her to have nice things because I think we all want more for our children than we had.   I gave her own room because in a house full of boys she needed that since of personal privacy.  I encouraged her need for electronics and gadgets because well in truth, it is the future.  I did teach her to cook and clean but to make living life to its fullest the priority over dirty dishes.  I do not believe in gossip but on occasion, it does happen.  Finally, I will admit that sometimes I have without question, attempted to pick her up when she fell down because I believed that as a parent the lesson sometimes is simply asking for help when you need it. 

By now, you are all asking, what does this have to do with the other blog?  You are scratching your heads, saying, “We all do this and your point is what?”  I am certainly not patting myself on the back nor am I applying for mother of the year. You will be very surprised to learn that these very qualities mean I raised my daughter to be a HOME WRECKER.  It is true!  By giving my daughter these qualities, according to the other person, my daughter got nineteen of the twenty-two points on how to raise a home wrecker.  Imagine my surprise!!!

I read this article and quite frankly, I was laughing through most of it thinking, wow, at the end of this there will be some gotcha note. I mean we are living in 2013 not 1813.  Seriously, I was just stunned at first.  I mean really.  I have spent three days thinking about this all and trying to make sense of it.  I just cannot.  I am floored that any woman would think these are horrible qualities in herself or in young woman of the next generation.

The face of the modern family has changed a great deal in the past fifty years .   Once upon a time, the family relied on each member to pull its own weight in order to make the family unit strong and viable.   The man often worked and the women educated the children and took care of the home fires. Most households require that both parents work today. It means splitting your focus between family and work and splitting the responsibilities between both parents.  The stay at home mothers are in truth becoming antiquated. I always tell people that because my ex husband provided a substantial monetary settlement in our divorce, it awarded me the privilege to stay home with the four of them.  It was lots of work in itself but a rewarding job.  I would not change my experience but I admit openly now that this time is coming to a close, I am faced with how to start over in the working world.  It is not easy.  I have little experience and training.  The skills I have are limited by their age set.  My future is scary and I can get very stressed at times. 

Now when I got married in 1985, I meant the “until death we do part” vow but that was not in my future. Instead, it was a divorce and raising our children in divided families.  It was complicated and it was not always friendly or kind.  We tried our best to keep it civil but periodically it was loud, confusing, hurtful, and sometimes ugly.  We both had huge tempers and were not afraid to express them.  We were human.  I would love to say we hid that well from our children but it just is not so.  I do worry about that for them. However, I challenged them to be better communicators and make better choices.  It is sometimes the best we can do as parents, to admit our failings and try to help them find ways not to make the same mistakes.

So envision now, my contempt for an article that would take what I deem to be important and make it trivial as unacceptable.  I hope, my daughter will find the man of her dreams, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after.  While I openly admit to you all, I am a bit of dreamer, I am not so naïve as to believe that bad things do not happen to good people. I want my daughter to be prepared for all the possible outcomes of her life.  I am dismayed at the thought that anyone would post an article saying that strength in a woman makes her treacherous in anyway. 

Home wreckers are not working mothers that sometimes spoil their children.  They are people devoid of moral character.  Fulfilling your dreams makes you a happy, healthy, adult not a selfish, brat that does not know right from wrong.  Education gives your child the ability to thrive in our current world as well as to make them a better partner in the future.  I think both parents need to know how to cook and clean because life is uncertain even if you are happily married.   I taught my sons to cook, to do their own laundry, and to clean.  As a matter of fact my daughter –in-law says my son does the cooking she just knows how to bake. It works for them. I think it is about the value of enough.  They have to have a good moral balance to go with a good education.   You can never see the positive in any situation if you are busy focusing primarily on the fault in it.

I am reminded of the State Farm Insurance advertisement.   The woman exclaims, “They cannot put anything on the internet that is not true.”  She proclaims she read that on the internet.  Well folks, for all our sakes, remember that just is NOT so.  Everyday people say and write silly things. While somewhere in this woman’s mind, she may believe in her article but I for one found her absolutely WRONG and out of touch with reality.  Definitive like always and never are lies.  They do not exist.  They are simply empty words that we use in recrimination against others or their differences.

To all the women I know whether you are a professional or a stay at home mother, I want to say, YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.  I thank you for being role models to our younger generations.  I am grateful that you have filled my daughter with the notion that she can reach her dreams and that living them is a worthy goal.  To the author of 22 ways to raise a home wrecker, I say this, I am fortunate that my daughter possesses the characteristics of your so-called home wrecker.  You are either blessed to have not had to face the real world, completely delusional, or simply oblivious to reality but no matter how one looks at this article, I say shame on you.