Friends

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
~ Nelson Mandela 

          Tonight my daughter and I were watching the movie, SIMON BIRCH.  I have seen the movie maybe a dozen or more times and yet still I cry through the ending.   I highly recommend it if you have never seen it to watch it even though it is sad.   The movie focuses on two twelve-year-old boys, Simon Birch and Joe Wentworth.  Joe loses his mother and having been labeled, as a “bastard”, has no idea who his father is because his mother refused to tell anyone.  Simon is a dwarf and even his parents seem bothered by his existence. They were unacceptable because they were different or in some ways socially unacceptable. The two of them undertake a quite hilarious journey to discover Joe’s biological father.   In the movie, I am so saddened by the number of adults that balk at Simon because of his size and because he feels God’s purpose is to make him a hero.  I am not going to give the end away as I want to encourage you all to see it. They both faced challenges in life yet neither would yield society’s ideal of their identity.  However, I want to say that it always makes me much more aware of the people in my life and the messages I send or receive from them.

          Like Simon and Joe, all of us cling to friends to aid us in our journey of self-discovery.  Our friends help us to define our moral compass and our views of life.  They are an essential part of our own emotional well-being.  I remember once hearing someone describe it as the fuel that feeds our emotional gas tank.  We all acknowledge the importance of acceptance and I think we can all agree how destructive it is when we make poor choices or when we feel left out.  Sometimes it follows us a lifetime.  So it is imperative that we identify our needs from our desires and make healthy lasting bonds with each other.

I did an informal survey on my Facebook page.  I found two very interesting pieces of information.  Those that felt awkward and left out as children or teens went on to develop skills that allowed them to make better choices in those they chose as meaningful friends.  Those that fit in with certain clique in their younger age often changed the type of people they chose as acquaintances. They adapted a part of themselves as well to be more socially acceptable.  A few like myself basically adopted the idea that I am me and those that wish to stay will and those that do not will eventually wander off. When I learned to value the person I was, I no longer sought to fit into society but to allow all different kinds of people into my world. I want to be loved like everyone else but my focus is authenticity. 

Many people I know have been searching lately for answers to the heartache caused by failing friendships. Some due to adversities in their lives and others due to enabled bad behaviors in one or both parties.  I am genuinely concerned as a friend and as a human being about the growing indifference that we have to the relationships in our lives.  While I was watching Simon Birch I was reminded that in times of strife and heart ache we should as friends, as lovers pull together to conquer the world instead of standing by to allowing  the world to conquer us. Why do we not do that?  When do we come to the point that we say this is a problem?

          The answers vary in reality simply because we all have different issues. There are however, some basic realities that remain in place for all of us. First, we all have the need to be loved. We are designed to seek that out in other people and situations.  When we fail to experience that love and that emotional development, we arrest our own development and in the end become imbalanced.  It is difficult to depend on other people because we know that sooner or later they will let us down that is human nature. The existence without trust and love is a dismal one that few survive. So onward we go. Secondly, a relationship is based on a mutual ability to sustain it.  If one partner fails to try, that relationship begins to die eventually a slow tortuous death.  For a time we can carry each other but in the end if all we do is carry them then our hand up has only become a hand out. Thus, we achieve nothing and gain less. Again, the emotional deficit becomes an overwhelming burden that brings us misery.   Thirdly, we all have to learn to communicate our own needs in a method that the other person can understand and identify with.  Honesty dosed with tolerance and patience will bring about a bountiful harvest.  Deny them and it is like a crop that has seen no water.  It will eventually wither and die from the drought.  You can live with people you do not love but not with people, you cannot trust.  Lastly, I think we all need to own our failures and insecurities and to ask for forgiveness.  Part of that process, I believe is making a genuine effort to correct the undesirable behavior. No one is perfect. Yet is it easier, much easier in fact, to find fault in another than in ourselves. Commendations that begin with “you” lead us to become our own worst enemies.  All of these factors are major factors to the creating a long lasting relationship of any kind, but inevitably they are without doubt, the hardest to maintain so the struggles ensue and feelings are hurt. If you have these four cornerstones, you can with effort and time build a solid foundation that will stand throughout time and whether all the storms.

          It is hard to know when to say enough but I can say that I spent fifteen years in a relationship where I felt I was the only person that genuinely cared.  Every morning I was hopeful I would find the magical cure and every night I was scared it never would until at last I realized I no longer cared one way or another.   My marriage died and still I lived in it like a Zombie. It was a horrible way to live. I began to examine the whys after my divorce.  Part of it had to do with the fear of failure.  I did not want to be the statistic and have to face my family.  I remember feeling like it was constantly my fault. I did not work hard enough, I was not enough, I was not this or that…  It was a never-ending spiral of self-recrimination of my failures.  In truth, he had not been faithful to our marriage and had essentially stayed for the kids and financial reasons.  How was that my fault? It was not.  Allowing me to feel it was much easier than owning his faults.   What was my fault?  My holding on, instead of letting go that was all me.  Years of heartache to my children and myself were my fault because I could not deal with my fear of letting go. Enough for me now, is when I notice that the relationship no longer helps me grow or brings me true joy.  I can afford another fifteen years of merely existing. I WANT more.  I NEED more. I DESERVE more.

          So today, I want to offer some advice on relationships.  In my life, I have happy pals, business companions, and meaningful friends.  Happy pals are there when life is good and you can share a good time.  They are great companions for movies, dinners out, a drink at the bar, and fun events.  They make us smile and laugh. They are there as long as they sun shines in the world.  Yet they provide no real substance to our lives.   They tell you the things you want to hear, offer sympathy they do not really feel, and become jealous of the lives we lead that do not include them.   I guess if you are a big socialite, happy pals are a good way to fill your day.  Just keep in mind that trusting them is a risk to your heart because the sun does not always shine.  Business companions are those that we might share some project with such as the other team mothers.  The real estate agent that lives next door that you get Christmas card from or occasionally wave to in the drive as you are coming or going.  They are the man or woman that you have lunch with at work on Fridays because they are at the desk next to you.  The first two groups share one very important factor in common for me.  They are both surface people. They share what the world the visual world and the shallows but they seldom move our hearts. It does not mean with time and effort that they cannot become a meaningful friend. In truth though, most do not desire the effort and so they come and go in our lives.  They can be there for years just hanging on to the fringes. They can even at times pass themselves off as meaningful but with all of God’s creatures, time usually has a way of showing their true colors.

          The last category is the one that means the most to me and in my humble opinion should mean the most to all of us, MEANINGFUL FRIENDS.  Those are the people that are there through the muck and the mire.  The people that have your back even though they believe you are making a mistake.  They tell you the truth always, especially when they are sure that you will not like it. In the end though, they charge right in to the fight beside you because that is you might need them to help you get up again.  They realize that life is yours to live and you will make mistakes along the way but they are there when you need them through all the seasons of joy and pain.  My friend Barb, for instance, I would say we are best friends.  She and I have been friends through twenty-two years and survived six teenagers, two divorces, and my countless love affairs.  (By the way, as she reads this part she is shaking her head and laughing because it is so true.  It has become the joke that we have to remind each other we would not look good in orange.) I think the longest we have ever gone without speaking to each other because we were angry is four days. That seemed like eternity. I tell her my horrible days and celebrate my victories.  I count on her for advice and I count her to be the voice of reason when I feel like I am going crazy.  We tell each other the truth even when it is hard. She is the family I got to choose in life. We have different opinions and lives but we work hard to keep the world from causing disagreements between us but the key word sometimes is WORK. 

          It is not just about time someone is in your life, but also it is about the meaning.  It is a wonderful delightful journey but it requires effort and communication. I find it unfortunate that people often keep friends for long periods of time but they are happy pals. They fight the same battles repeatedly or over look them the “white elephants” left behind because they do not want to let go.  The fear of loss and the sense of failure keeps us holding on far too long to happy pals. We are working singularly and desperately to keep the bonds forged.   The issue is like my marriage the bond never really existed in the other person’s life the way it did for you.  It is hard to say enough especially when over a long period of time you are guilty of enabling the bad conditions to exist.  They will come to expect that you will continue to allow them to behave poorly and over look it.  Imagine their surprise one day when you say enough.  It takes two people to make a relationship but it only takes one to break it.  It does not mean that we are blameless it simply means that while we are not guilty of breaking something we are guilty of allowing it to break our hearts.  Only you can decide when enough is enough but I advise you that later is much harder.

          Jealousy is terminal to any relationship. It is like a cancer and left unchecked it will eventually eat away all that is good and destroy it.  Fear is that same cancer.  They have no place in a meaningful relationship.  If you feel them, talk about it.   It is common to feel fear and jealousy when you love something and do not wish to lose it. To feel it continuously and to not express it causes you grief and havoc.  Only trust and communication can calm its ugliness.   To have those qualities, though you must have a meaning and care for the other person.   Hence the problem, choose your meaningful friends wisely. Understand that sometimes you have to be willing to let go of those people that by their own choices cannot go the distance.  I am not saying it is easy or painless but in the end, it is the most emotionally healing thing you can do for you both.  People can change but change is brought forth by need.  Need is usually brought forth by misfortune and pain.

          I read a beautiful saying the other day.  People were made to be loved.  Things were made to be used. The problem is that these days we spend more time using people and loving things.  We all desire to be loved and wanted but in truth, we cannot be loved and wanted by everyone.  The substance we offer is brought about the by quality of the emotion and time we are willing to invest.  Letting go can be so hard but holding on to nothing is emotionally exhausting.  Be good to yourself.  The example you set will affect your children and the others in your life.  Be your own best advocate.  You are worthy of meaningful friends.