It's My Fault

         

       I read a quote the other day as I began to think about writing this blog piece that when we make a wrong choice the first time it is a mistake but when we make the same mistake again it is a choice.  It perplexed me for a bit. Everything time we have options it is a choice and just because we have a bad outcome in the beginning does not necessarily mean it is a “bad choice”.  There are so many variables in life that once cannot begin to believe that if we fall down it is simply because we make the ex same mistake.  That statement would not even be logical because no situation is the same and no two people are the same. I guess I would amend the quote this way.  When at first you do not succeed, access what you did wrong and try to do it a better way next time keeping in mind of course the at not all thing are in the realm of your control. I know it is not nearly as poetic but it is much more accurate. 

Love is a glorious, wonderful emotion.  We all seek it out in the people around us.  I think it is important to our emotion development.  As in all facets of life though, the opposite side of love is loss. One of the hardest realizations in life is to admit that any relationship is not what we think it is.  It is especially hard when it comes to a love liaison.  We all want to believe we have it figured out.  Maybe those that have made it for a long period of time have.  In truth though, love is a risk. Those who have great role models probably have a better chance than those of us who do not.   Nonetheless, it is still a risk. There is no guarantee.  The divorce rate in America for first marriage, second, and third marriage are incredibly staggering.  50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. With odds like these, you have to admit it is makes no sense.  You just have to jump into the deep end of the ocean and learn to swim.

So what leads us to make the choices we do? Psychologists say that our parents are our role models.  Our parents show us what marriage or commitment should be to one another but they also demonstrate those characteristics that we will eventually look for in a mate.  For some like myself, we make choices based on the opposite things our parents did because their failures were blazingly obvious and we do not wish to repeat them.  For others whose parents have been committed for a lifetime and celebrated their umpteenth anniversary, they will choose to emulate what they have seen from their parents.  Truth is truth though; neither of these nor all the self-help books and psychologists assures us of a positive outcome.

When it breaks, it can be fixed but often, people are not willing to admit their own failings in order to fix it.   Thus, the end is at hand. 

          There are situations outside the realm of your control but in the end, all of your actions and reactions are your own fault.  If you allow the pain to make you a bitter person, that is your fault not the person that hurt you.  It is your failure to accept and ending that causes the pain. I am not saying you should not feel pain but eventually you have to be willing to move past it to go on. If the person that you chose turns out to be a wrong for you, it is your fault not theirs. YOU have to be willing to adapt your thought process and learn what made them a wrong choice. If you are being controlled that is your issue too you are allowing your passiveness to create the situation.         (Now most of you are working on a huge frustration with my words right about now. I can hear the mutterings of it is all my fault going up all around the cyber world, probably a few not so nice words too. You should know by now though I am not done heck you are only 700 words into the article. So take a deep breath and read a bit further.)

          Life as it happens is about choice, your own free will. While the situations are often outside your control, how they affect you and how you deal with them is in your control.  I used to cringe when my ex husband would say it is all your fault. He meant it so negatively. However, when I was forced to make decisions and I had no input, it was my responsibility to make them and in turn to accept the outcome. Some of them were bad and some turned out far better than I thought they might. Good or bad, they were my choices.  I often laugh with my friend Barb about this phrase now. Our teenagers have often found blame with us about the outcomes or something they are frustrated with us about the things we do. They are our choices and while our choices influence them.  In the end, they are only responsible for how they allow it to sway their emotions.  If you are unwilling to make the decision, unable to decide, or not a part of the initial issue then in truth, you are at fault when the outcome affects you because you made no effort to encourage a positive result or work the negative conclusion.

          Life can be positive, even the worst of situations can bring us positive growth.  We have to be willing to work through our problems, talk about them, and ultimately resolve them.  White elephants in the room often grow into bigger elephants when they are left unresolved.  I cannot think of one person that I would deem emotionally stable that desires drama and conflict.  I think in the end, we all want to get along for the most part.  Occasionally, though disagreement is a healthy form of communication.  It helps us to resolve emotions, thoughts, and ideas that arise from any number of situations in our lives.  It only becomes harmful when we allow it to become unconstructive and demoralizing.

          Bad things happen all the time.  Sometimes in our lives, we are forced to choose the lesser of two evils.  While every outcome seems to bring a different sort of misery, we have to choose. I am different from most people in some respects simply because I accept that cruelty is inevitable, I try not to spend a lot of time questioning the why but a little more time accepting that it has occurred and trying to glean some lesson from its incidence. As I am not excepting a bowl of cherries in the first place, I am not that frustrated when it turns out to be the pits instead. I talk out my frustrations and I move on.  I try to leave the past behind me where it belongs and just carry forth the lessons I have learned but as my friends Stephen and D point out to me, sometimes the morals I brought forward are sometimes more baggage than I need to carry.  We should always be willing to see the world through someone else’s eyes.  Often their point of view can be clearer than our own. 

          In the movie, Letters to Juliet, the character Claire says to her grandson, Charlie, “Life is the messy bits.”  That statement says it all.  When I die, some will say she loved, some will say she lost, some will say she was a success and other will remember my failures but all of them will say she lived. My choices are my life. Good and bad, I am to blame for them but I lived them. Sometimes I dragged my kids kicking and screaming toward the dream of tomorrow but we have all learned to smile at life and enjoy the small details because some days that is all you get the small moments.  So celebrate that life is all your fault. It only means you are strong enough to have lived.

         

         

Friends

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
~ Nelson Mandela 

          Tonight my daughter and I were watching the movie, SIMON BIRCH.  I have seen the movie maybe a dozen or more times and yet still I cry through the ending.   I highly recommend it if you have never seen it to watch it even though it is sad.   The movie focuses on two twelve-year-old boys, Simon Birch and Joe Wentworth.  Joe loses his mother and having been labeled, as a “bastard”, has no idea who his father is because his mother refused to tell anyone.  Simon is a dwarf and even his parents seem bothered by his existence. They were unacceptable because they were different or in some ways socially unacceptable. The two of them undertake a quite hilarious journey to discover Joe’s biological father.   In the movie, I am so saddened by the number of adults that balk at Simon because of his size and because he feels God’s purpose is to make him a hero.  I am not going to give the end away as I want to encourage you all to see it. They both faced challenges in life yet neither would yield society’s ideal of their identity.  However, I want to say that it always makes me much more aware of the people in my life and the messages I send or receive from them.

          Like Simon and Joe, all of us cling to friends to aid us in our journey of self-discovery.  Our friends help us to define our moral compass and our views of life.  They are an essential part of our own emotional well-being.  I remember once hearing someone describe it as the fuel that feeds our emotional gas tank.  We all acknowledge the importance of acceptance and I think we can all agree how destructive it is when we make poor choices or when we feel left out.  Sometimes it follows us a lifetime.  So it is imperative that we identify our needs from our desires and make healthy lasting bonds with each other.

I did an informal survey on my Facebook page.  I found two very interesting pieces of information.  Those that felt awkward and left out as children or teens went on to develop skills that allowed them to make better choices in those they chose as meaningful friends.  Those that fit in with certain clique in their younger age often changed the type of people they chose as acquaintances. They adapted a part of themselves as well to be more socially acceptable.  A few like myself basically adopted the idea that I am me and those that wish to stay will and those that do not will eventually wander off. When I learned to value the person I was, I no longer sought to fit into society but to allow all different kinds of people into my world. I want to be loved like everyone else but my focus is authenticity. 

Many people I know have been searching lately for answers to the heartache caused by failing friendships. Some due to adversities in their lives and others due to enabled bad behaviors in one or both parties.  I am genuinely concerned as a friend and as a human being about the growing indifference that we have to the relationships in our lives.  While I was watching Simon Birch I was reminded that in times of strife and heart ache we should as friends, as lovers pull together to conquer the world instead of standing by to allowing  the world to conquer us. Why do we not do that?  When do we come to the point that we say this is a problem?

          The answers vary in reality simply because we all have different issues. There are however, some basic realities that remain in place for all of us. First, we all have the need to be loved. We are designed to seek that out in other people and situations.  When we fail to experience that love and that emotional development, we arrest our own development and in the end become imbalanced.  It is difficult to depend on other people because we know that sooner or later they will let us down that is human nature. The existence without trust and love is a dismal one that few survive. So onward we go. Secondly, a relationship is based on a mutual ability to sustain it.  If one partner fails to try, that relationship begins to die eventually a slow tortuous death.  For a time we can carry each other but in the end if all we do is carry them then our hand up has only become a hand out. Thus, we achieve nothing and gain less. Again, the emotional deficit becomes an overwhelming burden that brings us misery.   Thirdly, we all have to learn to communicate our own needs in a method that the other person can understand and identify with.  Honesty dosed with tolerance and patience will bring about a bountiful harvest.  Deny them and it is like a crop that has seen no water.  It will eventually wither and die from the drought.  You can live with people you do not love but not with people, you cannot trust.  Lastly, I think we all need to own our failures and insecurities and to ask for forgiveness.  Part of that process, I believe is making a genuine effort to correct the undesirable behavior. No one is perfect. Yet is it easier, much easier in fact, to find fault in another than in ourselves. Commendations that begin with “you” lead us to become our own worst enemies.  All of these factors are major factors to the creating a long lasting relationship of any kind, but inevitably they are without doubt, the hardest to maintain so the struggles ensue and feelings are hurt. If you have these four cornerstones, you can with effort and time build a solid foundation that will stand throughout time and whether all the storms.

          It is hard to know when to say enough but I can say that I spent fifteen years in a relationship where I felt I was the only person that genuinely cared.  Every morning I was hopeful I would find the magical cure and every night I was scared it never would until at last I realized I no longer cared one way or another.   My marriage died and still I lived in it like a Zombie. It was a horrible way to live. I began to examine the whys after my divorce.  Part of it had to do with the fear of failure.  I did not want to be the statistic and have to face my family.  I remember feeling like it was constantly my fault. I did not work hard enough, I was not enough, I was not this or that…  It was a never-ending spiral of self-recrimination of my failures.  In truth, he had not been faithful to our marriage and had essentially stayed for the kids and financial reasons.  How was that my fault? It was not.  Allowing me to feel it was much easier than owning his faults.   What was my fault?  My holding on, instead of letting go that was all me.  Years of heartache to my children and myself were my fault because I could not deal with my fear of letting go. Enough for me now, is when I notice that the relationship no longer helps me grow or brings me true joy.  I can afford another fifteen years of merely existing. I WANT more.  I NEED more. I DESERVE more.

          So today, I want to offer some advice on relationships.  In my life, I have happy pals, business companions, and meaningful friends.  Happy pals are there when life is good and you can share a good time.  They are great companions for movies, dinners out, a drink at the bar, and fun events.  They make us smile and laugh. They are there as long as they sun shines in the world.  Yet they provide no real substance to our lives.   They tell you the things you want to hear, offer sympathy they do not really feel, and become jealous of the lives we lead that do not include them.   I guess if you are a big socialite, happy pals are a good way to fill your day.  Just keep in mind that trusting them is a risk to your heart because the sun does not always shine.  Business companions are those that we might share some project with such as the other team mothers.  The real estate agent that lives next door that you get Christmas card from or occasionally wave to in the drive as you are coming or going.  They are the man or woman that you have lunch with at work on Fridays because they are at the desk next to you.  The first two groups share one very important factor in common for me.  They are both surface people. They share what the world the visual world and the shallows but they seldom move our hearts. It does not mean with time and effort that they cannot become a meaningful friend. In truth though, most do not desire the effort and so they come and go in our lives.  They can be there for years just hanging on to the fringes. They can even at times pass themselves off as meaningful but with all of God’s creatures, time usually has a way of showing their true colors.

          The last category is the one that means the most to me and in my humble opinion should mean the most to all of us, MEANINGFUL FRIENDS.  Those are the people that are there through the muck and the mire.  The people that have your back even though they believe you are making a mistake.  They tell you the truth always, especially when they are sure that you will not like it. In the end though, they charge right in to the fight beside you because that is you might need them to help you get up again.  They realize that life is yours to live and you will make mistakes along the way but they are there when you need them through all the seasons of joy and pain.  My friend Barb, for instance, I would say we are best friends.  She and I have been friends through twenty-two years and survived six teenagers, two divorces, and my countless love affairs.  (By the way, as she reads this part she is shaking her head and laughing because it is so true.  It has become the joke that we have to remind each other we would not look good in orange.) I think the longest we have ever gone without speaking to each other because we were angry is four days. That seemed like eternity. I tell her my horrible days and celebrate my victories.  I count on her for advice and I count her to be the voice of reason when I feel like I am going crazy.  We tell each other the truth even when it is hard. She is the family I got to choose in life. We have different opinions and lives but we work hard to keep the world from causing disagreements between us but the key word sometimes is WORK. 

          It is not just about time someone is in your life, but also it is about the meaning.  It is a wonderful delightful journey but it requires effort and communication. I find it unfortunate that people often keep friends for long periods of time but they are happy pals. They fight the same battles repeatedly or over look them the “white elephants” left behind because they do not want to let go.  The fear of loss and the sense of failure keeps us holding on far too long to happy pals. We are working singularly and desperately to keep the bonds forged.   The issue is like my marriage the bond never really existed in the other person’s life the way it did for you.  It is hard to say enough especially when over a long period of time you are guilty of enabling the bad conditions to exist.  They will come to expect that you will continue to allow them to behave poorly and over look it.  Imagine their surprise one day when you say enough.  It takes two people to make a relationship but it only takes one to break it.  It does not mean that we are blameless it simply means that while we are not guilty of breaking something we are guilty of allowing it to break our hearts.  Only you can decide when enough is enough but I advise you that later is much harder.

          Jealousy is terminal to any relationship. It is like a cancer and left unchecked it will eventually eat away all that is good and destroy it.  Fear is that same cancer.  They have no place in a meaningful relationship.  If you feel them, talk about it.   It is common to feel fear and jealousy when you love something and do not wish to lose it. To feel it continuously and to not express it causes you grief and havoc.  Only trust and communication can calm its ugliness.   To have those qualities, though you must have a meaning and care for the other person.   Hence the problem, choose your meaningful friends wisely. Understand that sometimes you have to be willing to let go of those people that by their own choices cannot go the distance.  I am not saying it is easy or painless but in the end, it is the most emotionally healing thing you can do for you both.  People can change but change is brought forth by need.  Need is usually brought forth by misfortune and pain.

          I read a beautiful saying the other day.  People were made to be loved.  Things were made to be used. The problem is that these days we spend more time using people and loving things.  We all desire to be loved and wanted but in truth, we cannot be loved and wanted by everyone.  The substance we offer is brought about the by quality of the emotion and time we are willing to invest.  Letting go can be so hard but holding on to nothing is emotionally exhausting.  Be good to yourself.  The example you set will affect your children and the others in your life.  Be your own best advocate.  You are worthy of meaningful friends.

Raising a Home Wrecker

I love to read other people’s blogs.  My friend, Barb, sends me one occasionally from Runner’s World called Mile Markers written by Kristen Armstrong, a very insightful woman she applies her life to running and exercise but in a very wonderful manner. The last one I read in truth was “Detours”.  She talked about how having a special needs child was a bit like being packed to go to Italy and instead landing at the airport seeing the sign that says welcome to Holland.  She discussed how it was not a bad place to visit it just was not the vacation that you prepared for.   I read the article with tears in my eyes saying,” oh my gosh, I know this story.”  Another that I read on a regular basis is written by biological daughter, Rebecca Trimble. It is called Kit’s Sweets.  It is religious grounded and while I am not sure that I am always on the same page, I do enjoy reading it and I love her way of getting to the heart of the matter.  Therefore, when I say to all of you that an acquaintance asked me to read this blog, you will understand I was excited to go and do so. I enjoy hearing other points of view and it sometimes helps to clear the cobwebs in my mind.   What I found has bothered me for several days!  So in my way I am going to write it out.  I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO SHARE THE ADDRESS OF THIS BLOG BECAUSE IT OFFENDS ME TO DO SO BUT I WILL EXPLAIN SO THAT YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND MY PURPOSE.

I am a single mother.  I have a daughter that I raised.  She is an incredible artist. I think I raised her to be an honorable, self sufficient, positive, free thinker with great respect for those around her. I taught her the value of a good education and following your dreams.  I taught her be her own person.  I taught her to speak her mind in a respectful manner.  I told her that when she left home she should be able to take care of herself in all manners, physically, financially, and emotionally.  I taught her that love is important and to treasure it but not to let anyone use her for a doormat.  She learned to respect the sanctity of marriage and relationships.   I educated her on the responsibility of loving herself.  I have emphatically drilled in her head the message that any man that will emotionally abuse her is only a pace away from physical abuse and that is not a healthy place to be. I allowed her to be a child and play.  I helped her to enjoy being beautiful because I never felt that way. I permitted her to have nice things because I think we all want more for our children than we had.   I gave her own room because in a house full of boys she needed that since of personal privacy.  I encouraged her need for electronics and gadgets because well in truth, it is the future.  I did teach her to cook and clean but to make living life to its fullest the priority over dirty dishes.  I do not believe in gossip but on occasion, it does happen.  Finally, I will admit that sometimes I have without question, attempted to pick her up when she fell down because I believed that as a parent the lesson sometimes is simply asking for help when you need it. 

By now, you are all asking, what does this have to do with the other blog?  You are scratching your heads, saying, “We all do this and your point is what?”  I am certainly not patting myself on the back nor am I applying for mother of the year. You will be very surprised to learn that these very qualities mean I raised my daughter to be a HOME WRECKER.  It is true!  By giving my daughter these qualities, according to the other person, my daughter got nineteen of the twenty-two points on how to raise a home wrecker.  Imagine my surprise!!!

I read this article and quite frankly, I was laughing through most of it thinking, wow, at the end of this there will be some gotcha note. I mean we are living in 2013 not 1813.  Seriously, I was just stunned at first.  I mean really.  I have spent three days thinking about this all and trying to make sense of it.  I just cannot.  I am floored that any woman would think these are horrible qualities in herself or in young woman of the next generation.

The face of the modern family has changed a great deal in the past fifty years .   Once upon a time, the family relied on each member to pull its own weight in order to make the family unit strong and viable.   The man often worked and the women educated the children and took care of the home fires. Most households require that both parents work today. It means splitting your focus between family and work and splitting the responsibilities between both parents.  The stay at home mothers are in truth becoming antiquated. I always tell people that because my ex husband provided a substantial monetary settlement in our divorce, it awarded me the privilege to stay home with the four of them.  It was lots of work in itself but a rewarding job.  I would not change my experience but I admit openly now that this time is coming to a close, I am faced with how to start over in the working world.  It is not easy.  I have little experience and training.  The skills I have are limited by their age set.  My future is scary and I can get very stressed at times. 

Now when I got married in 1985, I meant the “until death we do part” vow but that was not in my future. Instead, it was a divorce and raising our children in divided families.  It was complicated and it was not always friendly or kind.  We tried our best to keep it civil but periodically it was loud, confusing, hurtful, and sometimes ugly.  We both had huge tempers and were not afraid to express them.  We were human.  I would love to say we hid that well from our children but it just is not so.  I do worry about that for them. However, I challenged them to be better communicators and make better choices.  It is sometimes the best we can do as parents, to admit our failings and try to help them find ways not to make the same mistakes.

So envision now, my contempt for an article that would take what I deem to be important and make it trivial as unacceptable.  I hope, my daughter will find the man of her dreams, get married, have a family, and live happily ever after.  While I openly admit to you all, I am a bit of dreamer, I am not so naïve as to believe that bad things do not happen to good people. I want my daughter to be prepared for all the possible outcomes of her life.  I am dismayed at the thought that anyone would post an article saying that strength in a woman makes her treacherous in anyway. 

Home wreckers are not working mothers that sometimes spoil their children.  They are people devoid of moral character.  Fulfilling your dreams makes you a happy, healthy, adult not a selfish, brat that does not know right from wrong.  Education gives your child the ability to thrive in our current world as well as to make them a better partner in the future.  I think both parents need to know how to cook and clean because life is uncertain even if you are happily married.   I taught my sons to cook, to do their own laundry, and to clean.  As a matter of fact my daughter –in-law says my son does the cooking she just knows how to bake. It works for them. I think it is about the value of enough.  They have to have a good moral balance to go with a good education.   You can never see the positive in any situation if you are busy focusing primarily on the fault in it.

I am reminded of the State Farm Insurance advertisement.   The woman exclaims, “They cannot put anything on the internet that is not true.”  She proclaims she read that on the internet.  Well folks, for all our sakes, remember that just is NOT so.  Everyday people say and write silly things. While somewhere in this woman’s mind, she may believe in her article but I for one found her absolutely WRONG and out of touch with reality.  Definitive like always and never are lies.  They do not exist.  They are simply empty words that we use in recrimination against others or their differences.

To all the women I know whether you are a professional or a stay at home mother, I want to say, YOU ARE INCREDIBLE.  I thank you for being role models to our younger generations.  I am grateful that you have filled my daughter with the notion that she can reach her dreams and that living them is a worthy goal.  To the author of 22 ways to raise a home wrecker, I say this, I am fortunate that my daughter possesses the characteristics of your so-called home wrecker.  You are either blessed to have not had to face the real world, completely delusional, or simply oblivious to reality but no matter how one looks at this article, I say shame on you.

The Court of Public Opinion

The court of public opinion has been on my mind a great deal this week for three very different reasons but all of them leading me to the same place.  First, my daughter is an artist and she is having her first art showing.  We are all excited for her but at the same time it is very different from the school setting where the only judge is a teacher and their opinion about how well you grasped a concept they are teaching.   The second was the Voice. It has gotten down to a five very talented and equally balanced entertainers but in many different genres of music. However, as we said adieu to a couple of singers and last week Twitter and Facebook were alive with venomous talk about the remaining few and what fools the rest of America is.  The third was a happenstance with a young man that my entire family is acquainted with and his need to publicly announce his private affairs.  They all involved John Q. Public but one has to ask to what impact and why varying opinions matter. Now for the record, this blog is not about singling anyone out to bash him or her but to explain a point.

          First, it is very exciting to have been a part of the process as she chose her pieces and carefully weighed her ability to capture the right image.  She was so excited as we began to frame them. Then anxiety set in as she hung them on the wall. The thought that other people outside her family would view them and even worse critique them came to her.   Her excitement was waned a bit more when her father chose to tell her that a few pieces were not going to sell because they would not be desirable.  She listened carefully and then feeling a bit discouraged she questioned her decision to use them and then began to justify her decision to do so in the first place. It was certainly his right and his opinion but the timing really stunk in my opinion.  I think the moment simply called for the proud father talk and the “it is going to be incredible” speech.  Therefore, in that instant he cast a sense of trepidation over the entire event before it had even truly gotten started. The issue was this simple. Every artist does his or her best to disclose that part of their soul that is invested in a work, be it a painting, a charcoal, or even a blog.  It is hard to be so open vulnerable especially nowadays when people have become so bitterly cynical and at times downright mean.  It was especially difficult when someone close to you works to destroy the little moments of the bigger picture.  It effects you self-esteem.  Self-doubt is a harsh gift to leave with anyone especially your own child.  It is much like guilt they are the gifts that keep on giving for a lifetime.

          The second instance was a completely subjected to a whole nation of tastes.  We have been blessed with a wide variety of music genres in the United States.  No one will have the same tastes as another.  The object of shows like The Voice is to discover talent in young or unknown artists, help them to develop it, and to introduce them to a very competitive world.  Now, there were people the judges elected to send home that I shook my head at and said, “What are you thinking?”  I openly admit I love music but I cannot carry a tune in a bucket. So I base my opinion, on the voice of  people that I feel have talent that appeals to me. I do not think in terms of Country versus Rock so much as I do if they preform doing a  proficient job at the musical choice they are singing.  Now last week one of the contestants, Judith Hill, was sent home. She was talented but for me her physical persona was a problem and I lost interest in watching her perform.  She was already incredibly tall and then chose to wear really high heels. She clothing choices were a bit odd for me. I did not mind listening to her sing but watching her made me frustrated.  I was happy to let her go home.  I am more of a fan, at this point, of Danielle Bradbury. I think it is amazing that a sixteen year old can have such a great voice but also have such a natural stage presence.  Those are MY opinions. They mean nothing in the grand scheme of life. As I skimmed the Facebook pages of The Voice last week though, I was astounded how truly malicious people were.  The use of foul language and threats flourished.  People were insulting other people because they liked Country music or a certain artist.  Danielle commented on how grateful she was to be a part of the show and how excited that she was that the team was traveling with Blake Shelton to Oklahoma to do a song in the concert, Healing in the Heartland.  A woman my age commented, “I hope you do not sing that would ruin my night because I have tickets.”  I wanted to write back and ask if she would appreciate someone speaking to her child that way.  Seriously, I know we all get to make a choice about which artists to support but where did it say we have to malign the others to be effectual?  It does not make any sense to me that grownups stomp their feet like two year olds and throw tantrums online.  You should be ashamed.  Here is a thought, take a minute before you post.  Think about the words you are sending out into the cyber world then decide if that is really what you wish to portray to other people about yourself.  Your opinion does matter but no one really needs more negativity.

          The last situation was a bit more personal.  I want to represent this fairly and yet at the same time I believe my thoughts are biased. He is my daughter’s age.  He and a young woman had a child together when they were teens.  For a time, they were together then because of deceit on her part as well as her inability to remain faithful, they parted ways.  A custody arrangement was reached and life went on from that point.  One would assume that they understood that they were incompatible even though they would always share a child.  Nevertheless, this young man moves on to others then goes back to the baby’s mother when the other relationship folds. In one week, he went from being engaged to the worst day of his life to in a relationship on Facebook. Now, none of this is my personal business.  Whom he dates, sleeps with, or even how long is not in my control nor do I really care about them.  However, the issue is this. He made it a public controversy by posting it a very public place. When people began to object to his choice, he was naturally defensive.  It was posted that when you have broken up with the same person five other times, what did he really expect to happen when they get back together yet again? Well, life and experience would say you should expect you are beating your head against the same wall and in the end he will more than likely get the same result.  No one really wants to see this young man harmed and certainly, we do not wish to see a young child suffer.  At some point though, he had to expect that people would have a less than enthusiastic if not hostile approach to this ongoing drama.  If he had chosen to just live it out without advertisement, no one would have been the wiser and the obvious commotion would have been avoided.  There would have been no hurt feelings or disagreements among friends.  His choice was to tell it from the mountains and be angry when people did not receive the news well.  My thought is he must really enjoy the attention and the spectacle or he would make an attempt to rectify the situation and move past the past.  In his eyes though, he is making a wise decision for his child.  Who can fault that? But then again, who can fault a person for being cynical about the outcome of a relationship that has failed five times already?

          I try very hard NOT to pass judgment on people. However, at times, and in certain situation such as these I find it hard to be silent.  I opt to do my own thinking and I am usually the person swimming against the tide of public opinion.  However, it does come down to this. When we post on social medias to distribute a personal fact, ask for advice or thoughts, or give our personal opinions and thoughts, it becomes public domain. It is no longer private. It does allow everyone an opportunity to offer his or her own thoughts, twists the situation, and be abusive to you. The only true part that you can control is the option of sharing to begin with. If you invite people in by opening the door, you can not be surprised when they come through it.   Life is about growing and moving forward.  Sometimes, you will fall down and you need help to get back up.
      For an artist, singer, or a writer, it is truly not an option to remain hidden. We can only grow and prosper by sharing.  It does not mean that ridicule and negative attitudes do not take a large toll on our success and our character.  Sharing is hard. The vulnerability alone is overwhelming at times. That is the path of our given profession though. So onward we go.  We still like to believe that we will be received kindly and that even if you are not a fan of the work that you can be human enough to recognize the effort and obliging enough to use words you would not mind hearing.  

      My private life is mine. What I share here is what you are entitled to no more, no less.   The same is true is with every other person.  The questions I ask you are these; just because you have a diminishing opinion does that mean you cannot find a positive way to make your point? Can you accept that just because you feel strongly about a given subject that I might not share in your thought process? The Dali Llama said, “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness, just because they are not on your road does not mean they are lost.”  I cannot tell you if your path is correct only you can do that.  I can walk with you but by allowing me to choose the direction means that you are no longer taking your path but walking mine instead.  No one is completely judgment free.  No one has a completely unconditional to approach in life or love. You can strive to be more accepting and forgiving.  You can strive to kinder and meeker. You can attempt to be more constructive in your criticisms and attitudes with others. You can choose not to let others be your voice.  You can choose how you will react and handle the trying moments. You can choose what to keep private and what to share. Those choices are well within your control. It is only up to you to make them now. I hope you will make the rights ones for you and that you will accept that when you offer yourself or situation to the poll of public opinion the outcome at times will be disheartening at which point you have to just keep going.

A wise man makes his own decisions,

An Ignorant man follows public opinion.

~Chinese Proverb