A Life of Privilege

This past few week, I was confronted with a couple of small calamities.  In the grand scheme of life neither was life threatening but in a world of limited financial resources they seemed for a bit overwhelming. My daughter had a car accident.  A deer jumped in front of her and neither the animal nor the car fared very well, she did a miraculous job of keeping control and avoiding do harm to herself and her passenger. The aftermath however was how do we pay the deductible?  We had originally gotten insurance much like she had when her father was paying the bill.  I had not even considered that one day she would be faced with paying the bill.  Then my son adds in the midst of the confusion that his XBOX won’t work.   He was very insistent that I give his problem its due diligence.  While obviously the XBOX is not the same financial pressure as the car, they are both bills I cannot afford on my limited budget. 

                In all fairness to them both, they were asking for help and understanding not really holding out their hands expecting them to be filled with cash.  As the parent, though, I struggled through this whole sense of shame that I am unable to provide for them simple basic things that most people have today. After they went to bed I sat crying, feeling desperately sorry for myself and feeling overwhelming stuck in a life that always seems to be on the verge of falling apart. I get up I pay the bills, I buy the groceries, and with what little is left I try to put some away or spend a bit on the things we need.  It seems like there is never that sweet moment when I have enough to fulfill all the needs on the list though.  My mood was further complicated when my ex husband asked if I was going to help her pay the deductible. While it was an innocent question, it only made me feel more inadequate to know hat in truth I did not have the resources to dedicate at this moment. I need to work and to do that I need to finish my degree and to do that I need more financial resources and to have that I need to work.  So round and round, we go where we stop no one knows.  Why because it never stops or at least in my desperation it felt that way.

                I sat looking at my newsfeed the next day.  All the people posting how we should cut welfare, we should not pay for healthcare, we should not raise minimum wage.  Without even realizing, I had begun to cry again.  My darling son Jesse came in and gave me this huge hug and asked me not to cry. In his sweet, naïve way, he made me see the world in a completely different way. Now, just in case, you are new to my world, I will add this note. Jesse is mildly handicapped.  He has spent most of his life being at least 50% delayed in his mental and educational development.  At eighteen he is my gentle giant whose attitude always amazes me.  He said to me, “Mom, do not cry. I know you are worried but you shouldn’t, we are incredibly blessed.  We live such a life of privilege.”  I was mumbling some apology about money and his XBOX and trying to say I would fix it when I could or find another and here is my son telling me we live a life  of privilege.

                When I finally managed to get over the tears, I asked him to explain to me why he said that.  Now usually that is like asking a two year old to explain quantum physics but I hoped he could answer with some semblance of thought that would help me understand.  For him it was simple. We have a nice, clean place to live. It is not grand but as he said we aren’t living in a card board box in an alley.  He said we have food enough to eat and there are people that have none.  He said so what if I have to tuna casserole and meatloaf at least it is warm food and we aren’t starving. He said we electricity and heat.  I have a cell phone, a mini computer, and an IPod. He said that seems like a lot of privilege to me. He said so what if the XBOX is not working, it just leaves more time to play cards and board games. 

                I said, “But you have so much stuff at your Dad’s house and I feel bad when I can’t give you those things too.”

                He shrugged, “Yes, I do and I like them but they are things.  They don’t love me back. They don’t take my calls in the middle of the day when bullies are picking on me and make me feel better.  Dad hasn’t played a board game with me in years. So at your house, I feel privileged.”  Out of the mouth of babes!!!!!

                Later that night he and I were watching a PBS special on the Amish. In it, an Amish farmer explained that the English live a life based on things that begets greed to have more things, more money, and better things than the neighbor… He explained that the English spend their lives in search of selfish goals based on consumerism whereas they (the Amish) work towards community. They concern themselves with building something that benefits the whole not the individual.  It struck a chord in me.

                It was later strengthened when a friend on Facebook allowed me to give her some advice to help her with her family life.  She told me that had not really expected me to listen or to allow her to vent let alone spend time offering some helpful solutions.  Once again I was struck again by the blessings I have and had not even realized.

                Yes, while it is true, I have not the answer to fixing the XBOX, we have managed to cover her deductible. While yes, I am still going round and round. I know that each time I circle I get a bit closer to the end of the ride because nothing lasts forever.  No, I do not have all the things I want but I do have most everything I truly need.  I have great friends and family that support me and love me.  I have friends and family that allow me to vent even though I know they have junk of their own they are dealing with too.  I am able to help others find solutions in their lives or make suggestions that enable them to help themselves.  I have a safe, warm home for my children.  Sometimes we have to make due, but then when we finally get there we are so grateful for the achievement.  So yes I have a life of privilege. I have had the distinct pleasure to stay at home and be the person that they called when they were in trouble or needed a friend.  I am still the person they call for advice.  I was thinking this week as my daughter was out babysitting her father’s little kids, what a great joy that she calls me every day, sometimes multiple times. Although, I know she gets frustrated with me, when I (S) mother her too much at twenty-two she calls and texts every day.  I know what is going on with her life and she listens to my advice.  That is HUGE.  I have an incredible young man that truly reminds me everyday what loving is all about. He has been a hard child with all his complications but the rewards are so beyond measure. I have dear friends that tell me truths that I do not want to hear but know I need too anyway.  I am blessed with words that flow onto pages when some find it hard to write a sentence.  I can create worlds and work in clouds.  I have friends that have taught me to see world’s plight and how not to contribute to it.  At the end of the day, there are problems I do not have answers for yet but I believe they will come. I have faith that keeps me grounded in love and charity. I truly have a life of privilege.

                There are so many things I can say are wrong but when all is said and done. I am so glad I have my life.  I am excited to have a conversation with Barb over kids, life, and craziness. She makes me feel productive and useful.   My heart smiles when someone says why aren’t you writing your blog because I know that they read it. It makes me want to do more, write more.  It clears away the fog of all those insignificant people’s opinions and self doubts that say I have failed because I do not have the newest and the best of all those things. 

                I think the Amish farmer has a correct thought. We spend entirely too much time being bitter about what we are giving up. We spend too much time dwelling on hate and selfishness.  We spend too much thought resenting being forced to help others. We worry too much about getting more and making more.  We fight too hard to about every little penny.  We have forgotten the value of charity. The simple truth is we should be grateful we can help. We should see the blessing in the fact that some small sacrifice made some one else’s life a little easier for awhile.  Yes, I am sure that there are people that abuse the system but that is true of humanity, rich and poor.  I do not resent those others have more, but like anyone else I just do not want anyone to make my life harder.  I sometimes just need a little help.  Show me one person that says, they never do and I will be happy to show exactly what denial looks like.

                Life is the balance of enough. You have to have enough pain that you can truly understand joy.  You have to have enough tears so that you can appreciate the laughter.  You have to enough patience that you can understand achievement.  You have to have enough hardship to understand the privilege.

I have had lots of money and right now I do not, but regardless I still have a life of privilege because I understand enough.

               

               

PS. Jesse, Sorried me and went on to win the game.  He said, ”Sometimes you are just more privileged than other.”  That is ever so true!

Comfort Foods

              

      As some of you will know already, we had a huge reversal of fortune in our city.  Ryan Ferguson who had been in prison for just about a decade was released. In the press conference, a reported asked him what the first meal he planned to have is.  His reply was Dairy Queen.  The crowd laughed.  Later on Facebook, he was shown having a beer and eating steak.  I had to laugh wondering if he got his Dairy queen or not.  However, it did start me thinking about the subject of comfort food.   The things we all desire that make us feel better.  It brought to mind something my Grandma Ruth used to tell, “There is a food for everything. When are coming and when they are leaving to go home are different foods. There are happy foods and comfort foods.”  I dare say she was wise woman though as a teenager, I have to say that it all seemed a bit odd to me now, I think she might just be on to something pretty profound.

                As I usually do before writing, I do some background work and I try to piece together all the aspects of the subject I want to discuss so I researched comfort food.  One expert said that comfort foods comfort us. Well, yeah, DAH!  Another said it was detrimental to our emotional health to feed our feelings instead of expressing them and working through them.  Now I can say this is a very logical and well thought out argument that I mostly agree with.  One should always identify and feel their feelings or they begin to possess your mind and cause harm. I also agree with the fact that food is not a healthy crutch and can actually cause you to develop harmful addictions. The apart I have issue with is that word ALWAYS.  I do not believe always or never exists in any given situation. I feel that as long as you recognize the issue, you do not depend on food to cure the situation, and you do the feelings an occasional indulgence is probably not going to do irreversible harm.  Another expert said that actually giving into your whims about food is self indulgent and immature, which created means we created our own inability to cope with stress. Well, POPPYCOCK!  Seriously, we have our own ways of dealing with things.  We have mechanisms by which we clear the chaos and find the resolution of in our minds. Food, a drink, a run, cooking, cleaning just to name a few that come to mind.  Most rational adults realize that eventually, you have to talk it out; I do not think a chocolate bar is going to kill your emotional development.

                So I bypassed the experts and went to my friends for their thoughts.  I asked my best friend Barb specifically about her thoughts on comfort food.  Her reply, I admit, startled me a tiny bit, because I thought I knew the answer but I did not really.  Macaroni and cheese, not the Kraft kind mind, but good old-fashioned homemade macaroni and cheese is what makes her heart happy again.  My friend Larry, said meatloaf was his.  Still another, Chris, told me anything home made. Now my kids are blessed in that respect because I have been cooking for them from scratch since they were old enough to eat table food. 

                Now, for me, I have different comfort foods for different for different reasons.  When I am stressed and feeling overwhelmed there is nothing more “comforting” to me than kettle potato chips and the dark caramel liquid of the gods, know otherwise as Pepsi.  When I am sad there is nothing more “comforting” than fresh home cut fries and some sweet cake or bread usually Coca cola cake or pumpkin muffins.  It is the balance of sweet and salty, soft and crunchy that tends to make me feel better.  While discussing this subject though, she admitted that she too had that issue.  Guacamole, Pico de Gallo and margaritas were her stress comfort now that was the answer I was expecting the first time. 

                The truth is a very simple we all have different foods that brings comfort in different ways and at different times.  For some like my friend Barb, the thrill of homemade macaroni and cheese like her Mother made her growing up brings that sense of security and nostalgia that calms the worst of days.  It is a feeling of calm that came when our parents made things right, a time when life did not seem so stressful and precarious.  I would agree that anything cooked at home creates a sense of peace and caring in us especially in this day and age of processed and fast foods.  In truth, most of us, work so hard that slowing down seems to be something we do only on holidays or vacations sometimes weekends.  We raise our children on multiple afterschool activities and sports participation that we the question I have for you though is simple. What about the notion that having dinner together with your family, cooking together, and shutting out the world to provide the ultimate sense of peace and understanding? Hey grew up on homemade Halloween costumes that spent hours sewing and home cooking.  It was a treat to go out to dinner, and grabbing pizza was a huge deal, but today it is common place.

                I was talking to my oldest son today, who is in the Military and stationed in California.  We were talking about his plans for Thanksgiving.  I asked what his plans were this year knowing that he does not have leave to come home and he said he was unsure but he thought he would be brave and make wild rice dressing. It is an old family recipe that my Grandmother past down.  It is not complicated but a bit time consuming.   It is a matter grinding vegetables to a paste and cooking wild rice then letting it all soak overnight in cream before it can be baked.  In our family, it is a staple of the day that cannot be missed. The simple truth though is that more than it being a favorite food, it reminds him of family of tradition.  As we talked I said what are your favorite memories of growing up and he said Friday night dinners, and movie in the basement on the big screen.  Home is where the food came from and where I spent my time and love feeding them.  I love that he will always have that thought and I hope he will be a wise enough man to give that to his children when has them.  Dinner with your family is an essential to building strong family bonds.  It is not easy in our busy world but it is well worth the effort.

                 I think the other notion I have formulated about comfort foods is something very simple also.  Stress, anger, and sadness are often brought about in situations that are beyond our own control.  Our jobs, our coworkers, our troubles, our children, just simply life in general are full of complications.  While we cannot control all that happens to us or that we forced to deal with, we can control what we eat. We can take some measure of calm from something we can decide upon.  It is a huge sense of relief to sit before that warm heaping plate of golden macaroni and cheese.  It is a choice I can make.  It can go to my kitchen and by design, no matter how bad the rest of the day is, I can choose to cook that dish.  It is all about me.  My craving, my effort, and my decision, it is all about me and I control it. 

                So here are my final thoughts, it does not matter what food you choose. Its importance is about giving you a sense of control and security.  It can help you relive fond family memories and tradition which turns the sadness and angst into something less chaotic and upsetting.  It provides you with a sense that while the rest of the world is spinning out of control, you have choices that you can make.  Comfort is about feeling better.  So whether it is something cooked at home in your kitchen or you favorite candy bar, take a moment and enjoy that sense of ease and peace that comfort provides.  Life will still be there, your inbox will still have things to do, and the issue will still need solving.  However, you will be in a much easier place to deal with it and your mind much clearer.  Please, remember that food is not the cure all and at some point we do have to deal with our emotional and life related problems.  However, at times we all derive some comfort from our favorite foods.  Sometimes comfort is a huge step into getting through to the other end.

  

The Purpose of a Lighthouse

The Purpose of a Lighthouse

      The lighthouse has stood thorough out time as a pillar of safety and help to countless ships and their crews.  They originated as simple pillars lay on the shores to help guide ships. Through time, they became took on new dimensions and attributes such as lights and the foghorn. With the development of GPS, the lighthouse has become more a beacon of historical value than a necessity of safety.  There are still over a thousand functioning lighthouses in the United States alone.  Most of them are automated but the Coast Guard is entrusted with their maintenance and upkeep. 

      The lighthouse during its hay day was of great value mariners.  They were usually built from granite, wood or stone. They were a tower with a bright revolving light at its top.  They ranged in heights from 50 to 250 feet.   The lights have been reported to be seen as far as 25 miles out though planes have reported seeing the lights from a distance of 45 to 50 miles out.  To a ship on the open sea, it served two main purposes.  The first is as a navigational landmark that allows them to know their approximate location.  The second is to warn those same ships of impending dangerous areas such as  The shoreline and cliffs, sand bars, reefs, and other potential hazards that might damage a vessel.  Either purpose makes them an invaluable tool to sailors.

      Before the times of automation, men had to constantly man the lights filling them with oil and trimming their wicks.  The lens had to be cleaned and kept free of soot so the lights could be seen.  They tested the foghorns as well.  They were responsible for the reports of accidents at sea.  They kept the machinery well oiled and made sure the lights turned at certain rates so that the lights could be seen in all directions.  Today, many of them are still in use, especially in Michigan around the Great Lakes.  Though they are now mostly fully automated, they still serve the same purposes. 

      During times of bad weather and heavy fog, they are still of great value today.  The satellite signals are often distorted by weather conditions here on the earth. A prime example is your cable or dish television network.  We love them when they are working but the clouds roll in and the thunder claps, the signal then lags the picture stalls or becomes distorted.  The lights continue to turn.  While the visibility of the light may be diminished, the sound of the foghorn can be heard also.  It is still guiding those on the water to safety and warning of impending dangers.

      So  I am relatively certain that while you are mildly interested in my facts on light houses that you are probably wondering what my purpose for bring this up might be.  Well, I will share it with you.  Each of us is not unlike the lighthouse.  Our words and actions are like beacons that guide those around us to a safe haven or help them find their way on the journey of life. Like the light keepers of old, we are entrusted with the maintenance of the lights we send out. If we fail to clean our minds and keep the lens (our eyes) clear of debris then in truth the message we send will be clouded and less helpful even harmful to those around us.  Hate and negative are certainly part of that debris.  Many times in my past, I have preached the value of words.  Today is certainly no exception.  When you use words to harm another even just to express your opinion about something, you are guilty of neglecting the beacon you send out to the world.  In days of old, the keeper would have lost his position or been severely reprimanded for such callous behavior but today we are all going unchecked.

      Many of the lighthouse keepers had help.  Often that was their families or a relief staff.  Today, we can help each other be accountable for a more positive train of thought just by being a good friend, by listening in their time of need, by caring as much about others as we do for ourselves, or simply by accepting with tolerance the situations we do not understand. Not everyone loves the same way, but they are entitled to love nonetheless.  Not everyone shares the same background or religious beliefs, but they are free to see the world from their own vision just as you are.  Not everyone will make the same decision you do in any particular situation, but they are entitled to the right to make it.  Not everyone can take negative interaction and make it turn out positive; however, they have to find their own way through. That does not make one person’s way better than another’s only different.

      I am my brother’s keeper but I am not his judge. If I can help him to find his way then I entrusted to do that. If I am so busy being critical of how he does the job then in truth I am not doing mine very well.  I have fallen down because my part of the work is suffering.   How do I know that? Because no man is a rock and can go through life completely alone. We all need each other at some point.  I need the man that drives the truck that delivers the vegetables that I want to fix for dinner.  I need the woman that teaches first grade because she is leading the new generation to become productive adults.  I need to understand to understand why my Jewish friends’ faith so that I can be a better friend to her and a better host when she is in my home.   I need to work on understanding the Spanish man at the market because even though it is not my language, he is trying to communicate something to me so it must have value.  I need to love and respect my son and my friends that are homosexual because love is everything and I want them to love and respect me in return.

       I may be different. I may love differently. I may not agree or understand all the time.  I may have different needs and wants.  We may have conflicting opinions. Our lifestyles may contradict each other.   That is the nature of human beings. Nevertheless, like the lighthouse, my beacon has value. Its light will grace the world with hope.  Not everyone will need it and not everyone will heed its warnings, but someone will. I cannot change how they will view my thoughts or word. I cannot force anyone to accept my support. I cannot control the whole world.  I will not even bother to try. Some things are just outside the realm for me and I have to accept that. What I can do though is to try to be the best me I can be.  I can try to give love, caring, and aid.  I can be generous with my positive words and feelings.  I can give tolerance even when I am not shown any.  I can give thanks for the smallest of blessings even when they did not exactly my hopes.  I can stand tall with pride and even when I am not needed the way I was in my past I can continue to shine my light.

      The purpose of any light was comfort so if your light is filled with hate and condemnation then perhaps it is time for you to clean the lens or fill yourself with happiness.  Sometimes, all we need is to fill our tanks with something more positive, sometimes we need to replace the entire bulb (idea).  Sometimes we just need to trim the wick (change our way of looking at things). Sometimes we have to be less automated and more hands on.   If you are lost, then perhaps you need to start looking for the light. I challenge you today check your lighthouse. Do not be the cause of destruction but instead the ray of hope in the darkness and the storms.  The lighthouse is moving all about to save people.  It stays place and shines it's light brightly allowing everyone else to recognize their own destruction.

How do you Pack?

             

       I was watching as Kyrie, my daughter, made her packing list.  She had taken a nanny job from her father and stepmother.  While they were out of town, she was going to care for her younger brother and sister.  She is a busy young woman these days with a full time job, the after school nanny transport of her siblings and a couple of other friends teens plus a full time class schedule of painting and drawing.   Our small family room is overrun with canvas, charcoal, paints, easels, and all the various art supplies that come with her studies.   I wondered how in the world she would move all the things she needs and uses every week to their house or even begin to minimize for transportation.  Over the week she would text and call to say, “Hey I forgot this and that.”  She knew exactly where it was and how much she needed.   She would was very direct about not over packing.  What seemed to fit neatly in one bag had now become multiple trips home for more and more bags.  I would just smile and shake my head knowing that sooner or later it would all be returning here to the same spot it had vacated.  When she came home, the bags lined the office, the pillows, the suitcase…  She proclaimed it was just exhausting to be away.  The things set sprawled out for a few days and in her own time she put them away.   I know this is true but in some respects I was a bit shocked because she is so organized, we often accuse her of being OCD or as she would say CDO.   Hence, the fact that things somewhat just sat in the bags and the suitcase for a few days was a bit of puzzlement to me.  Eventually, all the things went back to their proper place and life returned to its neat and precise world.  She just needed some time off the emotional and busy roller coaster to deal with baggage.

                Me, I am the over packer.  I take more than I can ever wear.  It is crazy.  I pack my brown skirt. Subsequently I pack my favorite top to wear with it, then what if I take the dressy top too for going out, and of course, I should think about a long sleeved blouse to go with it in case there is a chill in the air but then maybe I should also consider my brown pants.  One outfit has now become three or four and needless to say, there also multiple shoe choices to make to go with them like flats for the day and pumps for dressing up or maybe sandals.  In the end, it is all of them just in case. On and on goes the struggle until at last, the suitcase is full beyond its capacity and I have to have another bag for the personal necessities. I enviably need to buy something new to supplement my older things too. For instance, when I went to Greece, with my friend Barb, I bought two new dresses and a swimming suit.  I wore one of the dresses on vacation the other hung in my closet until I finally sold it in the garage sale with the tags still on it.  I like the feeling that I am prepared for all the things.  I need multiple choices because I do not want to feel tied down to that one thing but in truth I am so busy preparing for all the outcomes that I cannot see how cluttered I make the suitcase.  When I get home, I anxiously go through the cases for all the mementos I bring back and cherishing the moments in time they represent.  Usually I try to get the things put away in short order so I can get on with just the happy moments. I can hardly wait to share them with everyone and talk endlessly about the things I did or saw.  Some things I will not use again until the next trip other I will use right away.  I always vow to be more precise on the next trip but I know in my heart I will be forever the over packer.

                One of my friends is the necessity packer.   She makes due with only the bare essential.               She will wear the same outfit more than once. She plans for only the thought that she is gone x number of days and she is doing only certain things.   There are times I have been envious that she seemed to be so focused but then the issue became simply  all the what if’s.  What if there was a sudden turn in the weather?  What if there were dress requirements at certain place she was really wanted to dine? In the end, the rigidity of her packing often left her unprepared for the unforeseen events thus changing what was a wonderful moment in time to the aggravating situation.  Either she had to endure the issue in agony or she had to go try to find something to fix the problem.  The plans she had so carefully constructed were then put on hold or even cancelled.  She would come to regret her packing choices and lived with disappointment of that she was unable to do all the things she had planned.  I always hope she learned a valuable lesson in that she would do a better job next time.  Sometimes though, it worked just the way it was supposed to and life was just grand.   In the end though there is no little room for all the extras that we tend to acquire on vacation so she makes do with a few special things and goes on her merry way.

                As I pondered writing this blog, I realized that these are all representative of the baggage we have in life as well.  Life is like a huge trip and what we pack, the lessons we learn, and what we do with them is much like how we pack for a vacation.  We all have unique ways in which we do it and deal with it in the end. Both our packing and unpacking  emulate our life choices. 

                For instance, in the case of my daughter, she is very precise about the issues in her life.   She is very good at identifying the problem, adapting, and overcoming.   She is not great at letting go of the issue though.  It can sit there as my friend Barb would say like the white elephant in the middle of the room until she processes it and eventually bit by bit it is put away.  She is can be a bit of hoarder at times though so sometimes the white elephants stay around far longer than I would like or even she would like.  I am not sure she intends it to be that way but by the time its over she is mentally exhausted and just needs that time to build up her strength before she can put it away.  I think it is healthy in most respects because I do know eventually the problem will be solved and the white elephant will be dealt with and life will go on.  She will have gleaned the positive messages.  It only becomes a negative is you leave the bags and the suitcases unpacked and continually ignore them all together.   Can you imagine have a suitcase sitting in your room for weeks or years and never really dealing with the contents of it? I do not think any can actually say yes in earnest.  Yes, for a limited time like my daughter, you can walk around it but at some point no matter how long it is eventually, you have to deal with the baggage.  You have to unpack it and put it in its place.  No one likes difficulty or confrontation really but it is one of those necessary evils at times.   We make the biggest changes in our lives when we are amidst the trouble times of our lives.   Sometimes space and time make the job much lighter not to mention a more positive attitude can shape the outcome in an entirely different manner.

                For us over packers, I can say I share your burdens.  My friend Stephen who so graciously reminds me that I am over thinking and taking on too much, I feel a bit like he is follows behind me taking things out of the suitcase saying you do not need this or that. Truth is simply this though, when your head is so full of what if’s you make it bigger than it has to be. No one, no matter how equipped, no matter how introspective you are, no matter discernative, will you have covered all the bases.  In time, you will have forgotten something and you will be hit with the fact that you are overwhelmed.  It is commendable to want to work it out but in the end, you just have to deal with what is and put it away all the extra clutter. When you realize that you have all the extras you are not going to use then get rid of them.  Do not be afraid to let go.  What good does holding onto the past or its pain do any one in reality?  If I sit and think about it, I could recount all the thorns that have stuck me in the past and while in some ways I still bear part of the scars for the most part, I look back with happiness. For instances, I was in a very bad marriage for many years to not a nice man. It was painful and getting out of it was even more disagreeable but today I can say I would not change it.  I have four amazing, beautiful, genuinely loving children.  We made those kids together.  I cannot imagine not having them.  I can honestly say I was not strong enough to leave before the day it happened.  I needed to go the distance, wear all my possible outfits so to speak before I knew it was time to take my leave.

                The under packer in some respects collects less clutter but I hazard a guess to say that they get more than their fair share of disappointments.  Imagine packing for a trip to an island paradise.  You throw in your bathing suit and your flip-flops maybe a cover up then you get there and it is the worst tropical storm in history.  You are suddenly cold and shivering.  You regret not checking the weather.  You regret not throwing in a sweatshirt and jeans.  While you want to go shopping for something new and warm, you options are limited.  Life is seldom tidy and easy.   You have to be prepared or at least willing to acknowledge that the weather can change at any minute or you have doomed to regrets and upsets.   It is one thing to let go of all the unnecessary baggage in life but it is very different to acknowledge its possibilities because bad things happen even to the best of us.   All the should have, could have, and I wish I hads will not change that.   I know so many people that bury their heads in the sand and cannot face the problems that arise in their lives.   They turn into bitter people, angry that the storms of life ruined their perfect vacation. They blame everyone and everything else for their unhappiness and misadventures.  Truth is they just did not prepare for what was to come. Burying your head in the sand will not change the outcome.

I think it is admirable if in the end you can take way the treasures instead of the burdens.   Life’s lessons are seldom easy to learn but if you see them as a blessing then you can cherish the travels and the precious moments.  It is like bringing home a post card.  You buy the one vision that appeals to you and in your mind it perfectly captures the special place in the way you memories see it.  It does not mean that you will not remember the rain but the way it glistened on the leaves of the trees as the rainbow came out.  We all are caught up in the arrival.  We are THERE.  The missing piece of the puzzle is that the journey is the happiness, its moving toward the destination that makes all the difference because once you have arrived all that is left is the unpacking and the end.   Like my daughter, realize when you just need a break before you deal with the stress.   Ignoring it all together is unhealthy and will not change the truth, take your time if you need it.   Deal with what you can when you can.  My advice to you is enjoy the getting there, take away something positive from having arrived, and in the end, unpack and let go. You can only move on if you unpack first. 

Lessons of the Garage Sale

         

       I am not the garage sale kind of person really usually I have one when it is time for me to sale my old dishes so I can justify buying new ones.  My best friend Barb though needs to downsize and clean out closets in preparation for downsizing from her house to a smaller place so I volunteered to help her out.  We set the date when Barb was out of town at her son’s football game because we were needed to critter sit anyway. We were going to be staying there so it killed two birds with one stone. It gave her a good three weeks of time to gather and rummage through the closets and storage boxes. It was an out of town game for the Missouri Tigers so we would not be competing with football tailgating. While the weather was predicted to be a bit cool and damp and it was.  It was a winning plan.

Since, in truth, I do not have a lot of experience with the sale circuit I am often as amused by the people that come in, as I am bewildered.  Certainly, Saturday, was no exception to this rule.  One of the things that are so fun is the stories that you hear from patrons. My daughter and I are both very social so I often find people want to chat I learn a lot about people in general through these innocents conversations.  I find that they tend to speak more truth in casual conversation.  I like when people feel relaxed enough to be themselves.  It is a good time to learn.

The first lesson was even before it started. A seemingly unimportant thought spoken by barb as she was cleaning out stuff, “I am cleaning out the clutter with little regard to where I got it or who gave it to me.”  I said replied, “That is great.”  At the time, I meant it but I really did not fully understand its value until later when we were setting up for the sale. We often are bogged down by our past baggage.  Both emotionally and physically, presents that our great aunt gave us that we had no use for and never wanted to begin with but we do not part with them out of respect.  We harbor hurt, pain and we use it against the next person that comes into our lives even though they are not the same person.  Actually, when you think about it from a Barb’s point of view, there is a huge lesson.  By clearing out the closets, we are able to let go of things that keep us tied to uncomfortable and painful times in our lives.  While we know that Aunt Sally meant well, she really created a sense of guilt, that weigh lays from fully experiencing great joy.  So be respectful and say thanks but keep in mind that not liking your situation or someone else’s gift does not make you a bad person it just means that the person giving it did their best to make you smile but we are all human and make mistakes.  It does not mean that her next gift will not be more wonderful or that Aunt Polly’s gift is going to have the same lack luster effect.  The lesson is simple being true to yourself sometimes means we unintentionally hurt others.  Let it go. Punishing yourself or another for it keeps your life cluttered.  Move on, keeping in mind, that you can only find the joy if you clean put the closets to make room for something new and wonderful.

                I started the morning with the driver.  Now it is not unusual for people to come early.  If you say seven o’clock then people are gathering at fifteen minutes early or so.  They want to be the first to get a “good deal”.  This always fascinates me because obviously you are going to buy an item at a small fraction of the cost you would normally pay in a store because it s used.  Is that not by definition a deal? Anyway, getting back to the driver, at half past we were letting the dog out and we noticed a van driving by very slowly.  A few minutes later letting her back in the van was driving by the opposite direction like pacing with in a car. Now we determined it was probably a potential customer so we opted not to be alarmed but we mused as we watched from the window and the garage that she drove back and forth at least two dozen times. Her complete impatience was notable and made us (my daughter and I) even more determined to wait until the last moment to open. Finally, at five minutes until seven, we opened the door.  In thirty seconds, she was in the driveway. She came with a purpose. In the time talking, she knew what she wanted and she had been determined to be the first there so she could obtain them, the Longaberger baskets.  In her eyes, they were prize of all prizes. Her actions and her determination were in truth a bit inspiring. She set a goal and she determined the best course of action to achieve it though her path was blocked with a bit of resistance on our part she was not thwarted from her plan. It was very impressive.  Every day, our plans go awry and we forced by circumstance to find new paths or to wait but often we allow the circumstances of disruption to circumvent our success.  Instead, we divert to a new path and new goal and just pretend the other one does not matter anymore. The lesson to be learned is that if it was an important goal then waiting for it and working toward are important enough to deserve concentration.  It may not be easy but it is worthwhile.

                The second was the hoarder.  Now my daughter and I felt more than a bit guilty about selling her stuff when she relayed to us her story.  She said she buys trinkets and decorations that she takes home and puts into one room.  She says she loves them all but in the end her son will move them to the basement and sometime thorough out the year they are forced to have a garage sale of their own to resale all the “treasures” she bought at other sales.   Now, we laughed hysterically and in truth, it is still humorous now but it is ten kinds of wrong.  How do you have an intervention with someone you do not know about an addiction I am not sure how to describe?  What do you do?  I think we chose to see the humor because the alternative was a bit scary.  In life, we find those people that codependent on drugs, alcohol, shopping and gambling to name a few.  While there is no easy understanding of addiction, as we all know there is some underlying gratification and escape they get in their consumption.  They escape some sadness by filling it with some habit that if even that makes them feel better for a little while.  Unfortunately, we all know that things cannot make us happy.  We have to find happiness within ourselves.   I was barraged with mixed emotions; guilt was one of the biggest.  Enabling an addiction is horrible but easy to do.   We all think we are not part of the problem but in truth if you allow it to happen by participating then you are as much of a problem as the addiction itself.  You have to be strong and stand up.  Fighting  for the correct “RIGHT” thing is not usually the easy way out but it does tend to be the most rewarding.  

                We have all heard the saying that one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.  My friend put a pair of small diamond earrings on the table for sale. She told me secretly that they were a must sale item.  They were the first present her ex husband had ever given her and in attempt to divest herself of past she felt it was time they were gone. I entrusted my daughter with the information and we had decided regardless if they sold here or we had to take them to a pawnshop we make sure they received a new home.  About mid morning, a middle age man came in and he picked them up and smiled hugely.  He asked if they were real gold and real stones to which I replied with a definite yes.  He related to me that is daughter had just turned thirteen and as a marking of her becoming teenager they had allowed her to have her ears pierced.  She however, had an allergy to certain metals so new earrings were very expensive.  He bought them and he left with a deep smile. His parting words were so wonderful. “Thank you because today I get to be my daughter’s hero.”  We, as parents, all like those moments when we see the happiness that something we have done for them is so appreciated.  It has is hard currently when it seems that so many children have so much to find those aha moments with them.  It reminded me though sometimes the greatest gifts are not about how much they cost but how much effort you put into finding the perfect gift for them.  It is about time and efforts looking until you find that one thing that speaks volumes to you even if it is from the garage sale.

                The next was the con man.  There was a man that was looking at the table of music discs.  They were listed for a dollar apiece. Nowadays many people have gone to mp3 players so the sale of discs has declined. I mean who wants a whole disc where you might not like all the songs when you can just download the music you really do want.  However, most of it was popular artists both country and rock as well as some classical so the thought was that cheap enough they would all go.   This man comes in and from the very beginning; I knew that it was going to be an exercise in frustration for me.  If it was marked for a quarter then he wanted to pay five cents.  Now I have a general rule Keep it simple stupid.  I do not want to deal with the nickel and dime and penny stuff.  If it is only worth a nickel, then why sell it period just give it away.  So we butted heads continually I will give you a dime. It is a quarter. The cds were a dollar and he looks through them saying aloud to himself, I could resale these so I will give you a quarter for each one.   Now I was a bit tempted, at first just to make some money but the thought he was going to resale them to make more money frustrated me.  Therefore, I made the executive decision to resale them myself.  He replied by saying to me I was a stupid white woman.  REALLY? First, what does my race have to do with anything?  Secondly, what does my gender either?  Seriously, I really do not like to be taken advantage of nor do I want to take advantage of anyone else.   It is a simple life rule.  Everyday there is that con man that is willing to let you feel bad about yourself, willing to kick you when you are down, or willing to help himself to what is yours. It is up to you to fight the good fight and to recognize trouble when it walks in.  If you allow it to happen then it is your fault you are the victim.  Stand up and be bold, be your own best advocate.  Just say no.

                Sometimes life brings us lessons when we least expect them.  I realize that seeing the lessons through the eyes of strangers that I could see the value in who I am.  I was reminded repeatedly that my smile and gentle kindness could touch any heart.  Not every task is going to be a success but the failure is only in the failing to try.   Relationships are the joy of life and that in failing to risk our hearts we cheat ourselves.  Yes, it took a garage sale for me to see what was right in front of me, both good and bad but I honestly think that in truth it is because we get so busy we forget to look.  If you are roaring through life making money and looking good, perhaps it is time for you take a moment to reflect on the journey.  The treasure is not in the bargain you take home but in the value of the heart you put into the thought.  No matter how much money you make, what kind of clothes you have, or where you live, you are worthy of the greatness in life.  Do not be tempted to settle for less because in making the bargain you cheat yourself. Life will bring you challenges, throw up roadblocks, and even bless you with mean people but just keep going because this too shall pass and it is the journey that truly matters.  Someone will find the value in the treasures you leave behind.   Look to the future with hope and do not be afraid to stop occasionally and clear out the closets of your past clutter.  

Bad Service

              So yesterday as is always the case on the first, I took my child support check to my ex husband’s bank to cash it so that I do not have to wait the five days to have it put into my account and pay the first of the month bills. I was in a minor hurry because it was already 4:30 in the afternoon and I was hoping to make several stops before the five o’clock deadline like the utility company and the telephone company that both also close at five.  Though I was not impressed to be kept waiting for several minutes while the bank clerk read her card from Hallmark and chatted with overly loud and unruly customer at the next window, I approached with a smile and this was our conversation.

                Me:  I need to cash this check please.

                Her:  (Not one word)

                Several minutes go by

                Her: (to the customer and teller at the next window) give her a cashier’s check.  She is such a goof but she makes me laugh.  What are you up to today?

                Working on my check and looking at this account.

                Her: (to me) you are not on his account.

                Me: No, I am not and I do not have an account with this bank.  (Thinking loudly, well no, dah!  He is my EX for a reason and you usually do not keep joint accounts with your ex-spouses.)

                Her: Fine

                She begins counting out the money, which is the neighborhood of two thousand dollars, in tens and twenties.

                Me: I would prefer big bills.

                Her: No, You cannot have them because real people will be coming into the bank to cash their checks on the first.

                Me: Excuse me

                Her:  (counting as fast as possible and as loudly as possible until concluded) Here (shoving my I.D. at me) I guess you will want an envelope for that too. Goodbye

                Me:  Not one word

                Now at this point I have suffered through her rolling her eyes three times which for me is three times too many and about ten minutes of rudeness so I grabbed them from her and turned away with more than a little disgust written on my face and in my actions.  So for a closing remark she very loudly announces across the lobby, “Your welcome too! Have a nice day.”

                I left the bank as quickly as possible to count myself into calming down.  I had to stop and recount the money in private because I had no idea if it was correct.  My daughter returned to the car and reported that she was that rude to her too even though she was actually just depositing her money into her actual account. I was so angry I was crying.  The teller had actually gotten the wrong amount deposited twice and my daughter had to complain to make her do it a third time. 

                I was totally disgusted as was the next bank teller when she looked at me and said,

 “Oh my gosh, what happened here?”  As I related the story to her, I could feel the ire growing again too. She said, “Let me take care of this not to worry but I will tell you who to call so you can make a proper complaint.”

                Now after a few hours of rest, I am ready to tackle the issue.  Here is how I see it.  She is paid to stand behind the counter as a teller and to politely deal with any customer as best she can.  I am a real person; I had real business with this bank. I was entitled to a modicum of decency and courtesy. I find more and more often that people especially those in the service industries have forgotten that element of their situation.  I was reading a sign that in a local restaurant: Remember to leave a GOOD tip your waiter deserves it.  Hmmm… How do they know? Because I have sat in that restaurant when I got lousy service and waited forever for my food and I am not inclined to leave a tip to someone I feel has not earned it.  On the other hand, I have been known to leave great tips to those who have been friendly and receptive.   I wonder all the time when I am standing in a line of ten people and there are ten or more unused registers at Wal Mart and the grocery store why I even bother to give them my business. Seriously, their bottom line is affecting my bottom line too.  The more time I am tied up waiting the less time I have to study, coach, and write which in turn means less income for my family.   It is so frustrating to be told I NEED to have more patience while my needs are being ignored.  Normally, I am fairly laid back person.  I try very hard to be kind and listen.  I excel at being other centered.  However, even I have my limits. 

                Now as I was looking for a photo header for this column I discovered they actually have databases for bad tippers.  Blogs and sites dedicated to the poor waiters who have been wronged by poor tippers and customers.  I was reading them complain about their customers and call them ugly names.  One server referred to her customer as a stupid fat f***.   Other writers were patting her on the back for telling the woman off.  Really?  There were thirty-four pages of listings for my state alone.  I was horrified by remarks like B****, Darkies, trailer trash, ect.  Wow!  They wonder why they are not getting tips.  Could it be that they need to change their service.   There was one restaurant that had 20 pages of complaints.  I was tempted to call and ask their management staff if they were aware that were listed so many times, what they thought it meant about their establishment, and what they thought it portrayed to present and future customers.  I know for myself I have made a mental note of the restaurant and I will not be going there.

                Every company deals with bad service in different ways.  Some just do not care because they feel they are not paid enough to care or they are not going to change anything anyway.  Other will listen attentively but do nothing.  They feel listening is enough pacification that no action is really required and in some cases and respects that may be true.  The problem I have is that by not following up on the problem it is like another slap in the face.  I did not appreciate the bad service.  I do not want to be ignored. Finally, if I am truly at the point to call in a manager, I need to feel that some correction for the issue is on the way not necessarily compensation but the righting of the wrong.

The genuinely good companies will listen to the problem and do everything in their nature to correct the issue.  They tend to be humble and offer their apologies.  Sometimes, they offer a minor act of contrition to sooth your hard feelings. I think that is amazing.  I started thinking about my experience at the bank and what I really wanted in order to put it away.  I realized I wanted someone to acknowledge the problem.  I was not looking for her to lose her job but to understand sincerely that she is a reflection of the bank and her attitude was inappropriate.

Yes, I agree that I did not truly handle the situation well either. I truly despise when people roll their eyes. I do not think there could be another action that is so filled with obvious disrespect.  That shortened my fuse immensely.  I am not great at waiting because I do have many other things to do too so I know that further complicated the situation.  However, that being said if this had been a waiter, I would not have tipped and I would have felt just as discontented. 

So what is the appropriate form of action for bad service?  I took a small poll on Facebook.  Most people agreed that they do not leave tips or at least small tips to servers who give them bad service. Others agree that they speak to the managers before or after they leave.  Some admit they just grumble about it. For me, I am an action kind of person. So first, I called the bank manager and now I am writing this blog.  I did wait until I was calm and collected so that I portrayed the situation like a practicing adult rather than an angry child stomping her feet. 

We are all human beings.  We have bad days.  We do things we regret.   We go home and kick the dog because we are mad at our bosses.  I truly understand that but if you work as a customer representative to the public then honestly you have to be able to swallow your bad days, put aside your feelings, and do the job you are hired to do.  When you fall down, then, please, be kind enough to apologize.  People will understand.  We all just want to be treated with courtesy even when we are not at our best.  As children, our parents all drummed into us that two wrongs never make a right.  Be the bigger person.  You cannot know what that person is dealing with or going through.  You do not know when your smile and your kindness can change the day from negative to positive for the other person.  Always try to be aware that your job is to be nice and eventually it will pay off for you.  People will notice from the customer to the boss.

I want to leave you with a story of a different note.  Recently, a young man in Dairy Queen was waiting on a partially blind man.  The man dropped a twenty-dollar bill on the floor in his attempt to pay for his purchase. The clerk noticed and went to pick it up but another woman in line picked it up and pocketed it.  The clerk asked her kindly to return the money but she refused.  He ejected her from the store refusing to give her service.  He later took money from his own wallet and returned it to the gentleman.  Other customers called the manager to inform them of his heroic deed.  His reward was not only the sense of doing the right thing for the right reason but later he was promoted by his company. 

          People are always watching.   Be genuine and people notice.  The rewards are countless.   If you choose to be the malicious, discourteous, and disrespectful person that too will be rewarded with its just desserts. You are in charge of your destiny but do not be surprised when the people you failed to assist express their issues about you. No one is to blame for your lack of service and it is my right not reward you for a job done poorly.

                

Not My Mama's Broken Heart

           I can remember almost every first in my daughter’s life.  I can remember bringing her home from the hospital. She was premature so she barely weighed four pounds.   She lay there in front of the window in the crib on pink sheets. She was so tiny and it began a lifetime of worry. Would she always seem so fragile and small?  Would she be all right?  How different would it be to have a girl in a house of boys?  Who would she turn out to be? The journey to get her womanhood contained the answers to these questions and tons I had not even begun to think about yet.  Today at age twenty-two, she is still small and petite but she has more spirit than most other young women do at her age.   Those brothers of hers roughhoused her right into holding her own with the best of them and mama molder her right into being a girly girl.   We have laughed our way through her craziness like high heels and mini skirt on a four-wheeler.  We cautiously sampled her first cake or ate dinner that she made totally on her own.  She has been a great big sister to her mildly handicapped brother and his greatest protector against kids twice her size when he was away from home. She has become quite a young woman and I am so proud I had a little to do with that.  Through it all, I have admired her confidence in herself. She is beautiful but she never takes it for granted or uses it to take advantage of others but she has always known it. Nothing has been harder for me though than her broken hearts.  I see her tears and I am taken back to those first precious moments when she lay in her crib so small and fragile.  I want to protect her from the big bad world by cuddling her close.  As her mother and biggest fan, it is difficult, to not want to hunt down that young man and string him up from the nearest tree.  At times, I have considered that even though there were more young men waiting in the wings to be the next crush of her life, I should have invested in a good shotgun and many shells. 

I feel this particular pain of guilt wondering if my inability to pick good partners myself is responsible for her bad luck in the game of love.  I certainly feel like I make better decision than my mother did with the exception of my father who in my eyes was the smartest choice she ever made because they unquestionably were all downhill after that.  Therefore, I want to believe the same is true of her too that she did better than I have.  Either way though I just hate to see her hurting.  It is so different from my boys, maybe because at heart I am so old fashioned and I just think they will man-up and be done with it.  In truth, though, I worried for them too just not as openly as I do with her.  I was torn between wanting them to show themselves as strong (emotionally) men and wanting to smother them with motherly affections.  I think it is probably just the natural parental instinct to want to protect our children and to fix the problems they are confronted with.  We want to believe that they should be exempt from the ugliness in the world.  The truth is that they are not and we cannot shield them.

This past Thursday as the events unfolded into what would become the finale of yet another tryst.  I took a deep breath and did my motherly best to slow the downfall or at least prevent the inevitable ache.   Then as I sat and listened to some of the alarming facts, I was began to wonder how I missed the obvious signs.  She screamed at him about being overly possessive and isolating her from her friends and family.  He screamed back at her about as his girlfriend she needed his permission to do things. He did not want her to drink.  He wanted to quit her new job because she did not have enough time for him and he was not sure why she needed art school anyway. She screamed aback that losing your temper and hitting walls or other things was immature and she did not feel safe.   All I said was, “Shhhhhhh…. We have neighbors.”  I said it over and over again.  Finally, they both quieted down and I thought it was over.  I guess Friday night was merely a repeat of the previous night.

Maybe just because I want so badly for her to find a great man to complete her truly full life, I had over looked the warning signs or maybe simply because she seemed happy I was happy for her. Maybe it was simply that I did not want to fight about men again with her.  Actually, it was all of them.  I chose silence.  I chose not to point out that she did not even text me anymore to tell me where she was and with whom.   Jealousy and possessiveness are not love and affection they are symptoms of emotional abuse.   In ability to control one’s temper to the point that it takes actual physical motion to relieve it is at best, very worrisome. One has to ask if he has ever crossed the line with a person.  While his answer was only other men, it was not reassuring.  I was proud that by herself she realized it was trouble and it was time to be done but at the same time, I was oddly angered with myself for failing to act.  It is such a fine balance and honestly, I have not found it yet.  With one son and his new wife, I am too vocal. I piss them off so much I hardly see them these days and I miss them terribly.  With my middle son, I hardly get involved until they have been around a few months because I do not want to alienate him even further because he cut the apron strings the day after he graduated high school in no uncertain terms he lets me know when and how I am needed but always loved.  With her, we are so much alike usually I do not have to say much for her to know where I am going I think I assumed wrongly that she could read my thoughts in some ways.   The road is narrow and both sides are filled with the quicksand of misunderstanding. 

I have been reminded this week that so often we let out our own desires cloud our judgments when it comes to our children.  Either we rush to their aid and despise their mates or we fall madly in love because they are in love.  Neither of them is optimal in our parenting skills.  The question then becomes where we should draw the line between meddling and guidance.  I thought I would compile a list helpful hints contrived mostly from do it all wrong.

1.        It is NOT your decision to make.  I think you have to be wise enough to speak the truth and smart enough to know the heart wants what the heart wants so do not take it personally that they probably are not listening.   Just like you and I, they feel what they feel and it is up to them to find their way through it.

2.       Be honest about your feelings with yourself.  Please, remember to be open minded but not judgmental.  Being overly critical only hurts your cause good and bad.  Most teens will run the opposite direction just because you are there.  So try to see it what they see without being blinded by what you think and feel or swept away by what they feel.

3.       Give the suitor a chance. People’s true colors will show in time and even the heart cannot hide the worst of flaws but it does tend to help you see the truest of stars shine.  The story will work itself out.

4.       Choose wisely when you to give your opinions and even more when to but out of the situation.  The hardest lesson in parenting to learn is how to let them fall down on their own. As adults, we know far too well, the pain of being hurt.  It is our first instinct to protect them but in truth, they can never really experience true joy if they never understand the burden of pain. Certainly, if they are in danger physically or being isolated then it is your duty to intervene.  Otherwise, use your advice sparingly.

5.       Accept their decisions.  Even you think that person is the greatest thing to happen in your child’s life since chocolate cake, accept that they do not see it your way.  If it is a person you are not so happy with, accept them with open arms.  It is about keeping peace with your family and keeping the bonds between you intact and healthy.

6.       Try not to be overly involved, which I have to say I fail to do too many times.  We are a close family.  So I tend to see others as just part of the group but in truth, many find it a daunting task to fit in.  Others look at us in jealousy or question if we are real.  It is hard to surmise how to cope.

7.       When you are wrong, admit it and make reparations.  We are merely human and like all humans, we make blunders.  All we can do is the best we can but sometimes that means admitting we do not always have the answers.

8.       Celebrate the joys, but pick up the pieces too.  I told you so may be the wisest advice but it will not help the situation. Put on your best smile and open your heart for all the celebrations of love. They are the path we must all walk to find our one true mate.

9.       Lastly and most importantly, remember you were young once.  Remember those feelings and be sympathetic.  They will only hate you for a little while until they realize how much they truly need you or they want money again. ~winks!!!   Try to identify with them at that age and consider their opinions and trials in making your decisions.  Keep in mind these immortal words- THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!

Being a parent is so hard.  You are often walking a very precarious road. You are constantly second guessing yourself after a bad outcome. The children especially teenagers are happy to help you feel guilty as possible for totally “ruining” their lives. Some days they will hate you, some days you will be their best friend but most regardless, you are the parent and you have to keep on going.  Being strong does not always mean being right but it does mean trying your best to do what is right for everyone.

We all love and lose. Our children are not exceptions to the rule they are merely an extension of the time honored traditions. Sometimes it seems like the end of the world. We will all deal with it differently. Sometimes we will be happy and relieved thinking it is party time while others will involve a river of tears and countless hours of sad music.  Sometimes we all surround ourselves with comfort food or tie one on. Then there are those times when it is a night out with friends picking up someone new.  No one can say how it will feel or what to do.  You just need to be sure you do the feelings and move on.  There is always another grand love affair waiting and another possible broken heart. We cannot as parents tell them how to feel or when to be done with it.  We can only be there to help them through it.