Stay True

I will take fifty percent efficiency to get one hundred percent loyalty.
Samuel Goldwyn

          I got a notice from my cable/internet/phone provider that due to inflation that once again they were raising the rates by six dollars a month. First, I have to say it did not thrill me but at the same time, I thought I would face the situation and live with the raise.   I have very few times that I have actually needed assistance but they were there readily, sometimes within twelve hours or less but never later than a twenty-four hour turn around.  When the winds are howling and it is ugly outside, I have a steady signal. That is HUGE considering we live in the middle of tornado alley.  So I have been a loyal customer for ten years now.  You can imagine my surprise when I received the bill and it had increased seventy dollars.  I was more than upset.  With something a calm tone, I called and expressed my dilemma. The first woman that and answered the phone was less than help and truly reminded that often people work for a paycheck and hate their jobs.  She put me on hold and transferred me to her superior. The wonderful woman at the other end in a matter of minutes cure the problem and after apologizing profusely thanked me for being so loyal to their company.  She said it very rare today that we find a customer with such an extensive loyalty to our company.  It did not really register at the moment, how incredibly profound that remark was indeed.

          Shortly after dealing with the issue, my daughter and I were watching television and a commercial from our cell phone company came on.  She said, “You know Mom they are a good company but it is interesting that they are more interested in giving good deals to the new customers that they are in keeping customers like us who have forever done business with them. 

          Her remark while off handed sparked a great deal of thought in my head.  I have done business with most of the companies for at least ten years.  I have in the past recommended their services to my friends and other people.  I pay my bills on time and or the most part I do not complain without valid cause.   So the question in my mind is why do I stay? It is not as if I believe my little contribution will make or break the company. Still, why is it that I choose to remain loyal when it seems by most appearances I am being swept under the rug?  

          They answer lies in one word really, loyalty.  It is a dying virtue in today’s fast food, competitive society.  In a day when we you can the same goods and services can be found in a multitude of companies, the competition is for the new customer and luring them away from the other companies.  It is no longer that about customer service.  Too many companies have sent their customer service divisions overseas.  I know it is one of my pet peeves to be on the phone with someone that I cannot even understand. I will politely excuse myself and ask for another technician. They are offended. How can you possibly help me over the phone if I cannot see you and I have to rely on words I cannot comprehend.

          I have asked myself if perhaps loyalty has a price.  At some point, do we just throw in the towel and say, “well someone, somewhere wants my business?” I have always lived by the code that you should try until you have exhausted all the possibilities to rectify the situation. I have applied it across the board in my life. Yes, I could find a deal that is temporarily better than the one I have.  I am sure for the word “limited time offer” does not just apply to the time you can get the deal but in many cases also applies to the time you can keep the deal.  A fine example is the current Direct TV.  You get hundreds of channels, a free DVR where you can stop, pause, and rewind live television into up to five rooms, free installation and free HBO but if you look into the fine print, the truth is that you get the offer for three months then regular pricing applies.  There is a fee for every extra box, a fee for those pay channels they tempted you with, and a fee for changing the contract once you signed it. Thanks to great advertising, you are looking at a product that costs much more than you thought. It is a great decade of spend and spend more. God bless Corporate America.

          There is a wonderful little diner in our town.  I have been going there for breakfast on weekends thirty something years. He started in one location but when the land was sold, the owner, moved the whole building to a new corner.  It is a small town place and in truth, they know the regulars when they come in. There is also a little drive in with the same old root beer and the best coney’s and root beer in town.          They open up for in the spring and say goodbye for winter in November.  I went here while I was in college.  Now I take my kids there. We have all the usual chains in town but if there were a choice then for my money I would rather go there.  They survive because people rely not just on their food but also on their prices. We go there because we know we are going to be met with a smile, and get great service. They earn a living because for years they recognized one true fact a happy customer comes back. They depend upon our loyalty as much as we depend on theirs.

          Today, we buy things knowing we will replace them.  Your washing machine does not last 20 years anymore. You need a new television about every two or three years. They build things with the hope you will replace them. Have you tried to call a technician lately? Even that service is so much more costly that you would be better off to replace.  Why shouldn’t our customer loyalty s be rewarded with a better products and services? What lesson is all this teaching today’s young people?  From where I stand, I think the message is clear.  Nothing stays the distance. 

          I remember growing up, the wonderful announcements where couples stayed together for fifty years. I thought then I wanted to be one of those people. My story did not turn out that way but not because I did not spend years trying to make it work. Instead, people say oh well, and get divorced. The lesson they learned growing up is that all things are replaceable.  There is always a newer model.  I have tried to instill in my children to make careful choices and to think of them as lifelong choices. Even though, I am divorced and we did okay as a family, it has been very difficult at times.  I have cried rivers of tears missing them on holidays and looking at vacation photos with the father.  They were happy but it was not with me or us.  Please, do not misunderstand here; my divorce was by far the best feature for our later years of marriage. I would not change that nor would I change having been married to him in the first place. They are an awesome lifelong gift. I just do not want them to think that love is as replaceable as a cell phone. Loyalty to each other, loyalty to your commitments, and loyalty to your word are the principle’s I want to instill in them and in their children to come.

          Nothing is without its challenges and downfalls. The telephone company and the cable company may not see my point of view yet but I have hope they will.  Certainly, the wonderful telephone company employee generously fixed the problem in my bill.  Her thanks may not be the generous “new” package of services they offer the fresh batch of customers they are bringing on board but at least she recognized that even through good and bad times I have stayed because I have faith. 

          Unfortunately, the same is true in our personal relationships. They will have good days and bad ones. If you remember the story of the mighty oak, you can survive.  The oak grows from an acorn to a tall and mighty tree. No matter how tall it gets it learns to sway with the wind.  Occasionally when it become too rigid, the wind will blow and the tree will break. So remember that compromise is a critical staple in a happy life. Stay loyal and true to yourself and to your loves.  In the end the reward is peaches and cream but it’s the incredible journey together.

          Loyalty means something different to everyone. In the grand scheme that is life, this humble opinion will not mean much. Tomorrow, the dealmakers will be offering more deals and make more money.  You can be just another cog in the wheel by saying I take the arrangement.  On the other hand, maybe you will be a person like me that says you know I am willing to stand fast. Everywhere in America, there is that one little drive in or coffee shop, that has stood the test of time. There enduring relationships people have worked hard to build and keep.  I will be loyal and I will lead by example.

The Right Heart

Every human being must find his own way to cope with severe loss, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method he chooses.
Caleb Carr 

          My father was Military man through and through. He loved life even when it confined him to a wheel chair.  I can remember his practical jokes, his smile, and his ability to tell me the truth in a way he knew it would reach me.  We had our share of disagreements along the way, some political, some ethical, some born out of the sheer nature of the father/daughter relationship.  He taught me that he was a man that he his share of mistakes and often told me to remember after he died to remember that  which made life easier but not to lose sight of the truth.

          So here it goes, he was absent most of my growing up.  I spent a great deal of time with my Grandmother in my yearly years because he was serving in Vietnam.  Now I am not a product of the revolution against war so please, save that fight for another day.  He did what he felt he had to do in service of his country. He returned home and eventually married a very wonderful woman, Doris.  They had a seemingly good life until he was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease.  He would spend the next decade in out of treatment and hospitals.  He still managed to love, laugh and live.  He taught me by example that laughter was a great cure for most of life’s issues.  He was a proud grandfather. Doris, well in my book anyway, she was a cross between Florence Nightingale and Saint Christopher. The Lord knows she was his strength a great deal of the time. In the end, he had his good days and his bad ones.

          Many years have passed since we laid him to rest in Quantico National Cemetery. I think of him every time one the boys pull a practical joke and I know he is laughing.  I see him the face of my daughter as she smiles and she does have her Grandfather’s dimples.  I believe that he is finally at peace.  I imagine him looking down occasionally and shaking his head asking, “Ruthie Ann what are you thinking?”  For the most part, I find a great joy in my thoughts of him though I have moments of sadness. I hate that Jbear never got to know each other because I know they would have hit it off.   Sad that Kyrie did not get to the living example of a good man. Then I pick myself up and wipe away the tears because he would have hated them. It is time for some laughter.  I mean after all what can one expect to think of man that would sing It is Me Again Margaret by Ray Steven in the church’s talent show. 

          I think Daddy was my first real loss.  My grandmother Ruth passed away and at the time, finances did not work for me to attend the funeral so in my mind she is still somewhere sewing on her antique machine madly pushing the pedal making doll clothes or anther quilt.  I can remember I just could not really face him lying in that casket but it did not seem ultimately over until taps was being played and the sound of gun shots were echoing through the air. Whether it was a conscious decision or unconscious one, to this day, I am unsure but the result has been the same. I think of him somewhere watching us, playing practical jokes, and having a good laugh.  I have a notion that when things fall into the great black hole his mischievous side has helped misplace them.  That is the way I deal with death.

          It is hard for me when I have seen people lose parent, when I lost my Aunt, or they suffer the loss of their beloved pets. I want to find that something that seems like the right thing to say. For me to say you have my condolences seems like the tripe and dribble of someone that could care less when in fact is the farthest thing from my mind. I have come to realize everyone deals with loss in his or her own way. Each instance has to be different and each expression of grief to that person has to be one they can accept.

          My best friend Barb lost her mother this year.  We talked everyday and you have to know her but she is by far the best organizer I have ever known.  I knew she could not possibly need my help but every day I checked on her and we talk and I knew when we hung up she felt loved. All she truly needed was to know that someone was still there to hold her hand and help talk her through the awkward moments. That was easy.  I love her and we have been friends for twenty-two years. 

          My friend Stephen was a bit more difficult.  He lost his beloved Tripod, beautiful three-legged dog that he rescued and raised for ten years. They were exceptionally close. One day they were moving and he was fine and the next he was sick.  The passing was devastating.  I was so humbled when this normally strong, truly Zen man was so obviously in a great deal of pain. I did not really know what to do or say but then I realized he just wanted to talk about it.  He wanted me to listen and listen I have tried to do.

           The grief in each case was tremendous while they are categorically different losses to each of these individuals.  To be honest, as a friend, I felt totally helpless to do much of anything to avert their suffering. I think I will always be the person that struggles to find that path of consolation. Maybe we all do.  I do realize that my heart never ceases to give the valiant try though because in the end I value my friends dearly.  To me, most are family.  So if I do not say the right things, or understand the need to mark each anniversary of their death, It is not because I do not understand the grief involved, I do.  I am just uncertain what you need from me in order to process your grief. As a friend, as a family member, the best that I can offer is to say that I am trying. I think that is a better resolution than empty sentiments.

           

It did however remind me of a lesson I learned many years ago. Our days are numbered.  We never truly know when we have reached the last one until that second just before we have gone when it much too late to do anything about all the things we meant to do while we here.  I know that I am not alone in this eternal struggle. It something we all face eventually. I do have a little wisdom passed on to me that I would like to share. Send the flowers while they are alive. Tell them they are loved and share what they mean to you on a regular basis. Agree to disagree in order to solve the argument. Let them know that even when you argue, that you care. Celebrate the small events.  I would rather have a drink and sit down to dinner with you now than for you to do it alone  after my funeral. We all take for granted that people know what we feel a times. We assume that by our actions or deeds they got the point.  Well, sometimes, that just is not the case. Sometimes it requires the words.

When the hear and now has passed, and all that is left is goodbye.  I hope that you will look back with no regrets as I intend to do also.  We all deal in different ways and you may not always know what to say but if you give your heart, you will find a way. Allow them to guide you and they will tell you how they need you. It is never about the words but about the heart. That is the measure of a true friend.

Dare to Dream

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.
Herman Melville  

         

          History is full of the devastation of mad men that call themselves leaders. Millions of people have perished at the hands of such men. These men were self-appointed prophets that claimed they would save the world. They were often highly intelligent and charismatic.  Their sermons began and ended with conformity to the cause. People followed out of devotion and desire for the promised utopia that waited at the end of the battle.  Still today, we witness these travesties and we ask ourselves the immortal unanswerable question, WHY?  In hindsight, it is easy to shake your head and ask questions but in the presence of mass opinion is hard to have a voice and take a stand.  Most people will follow thinking that they are fighting the good fight but they have not really reasoned for themselves the whole concept. They will see one small detail and determine how that affects their immediate world.  Their narrow vision does not permit them to see the truth of how that detail fits into the whole picture.

          The problem is that most original thinkers have a touch of genuine folly. They see a problem and they calculate a way to fix it.  They were men and women that built skyscraper, launched rockets to the moon, or dared to be different in the face of overwhelming disparagement. Yet in time, they gave us wings to fly and gadgets that can wirelessly connect us to another person on the other side of the nation.  It is all about the vision. These people see something far beyond our present situation into what can be the future.  Yet they are often defined as mad men.  T. E. Lawrence said, “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”  So I ask you this, why is it that dreamers, writers, artists, inventors, and original thinkers are labeled with such negative descriptions? Because unlike the masses, we live out our dreams and we are not afraid of our thoughts. I have frequently told people that I live and work in the clouds. It is truly a glorious way of life. 

However, when it comes to the everyday people tend to see our approach to life as frivolous.   People assume because I have deeply passionate convictions that are based on something they feel is not the point. In matters of politics and religion, I have that same tendency to see beyond this moment, to see the dream that can be.  People who think only in the logic of here and now are consumed by a small piece of the puzzle.  They are limited by only the immediate knowledge and surroundings. 

Politics and religion are very volatile subjects.  They bring out the zealots from all sides.  The propaganda machine works over time with little regard for truth.  It is more like almost truth and half-truths that feed the mechanism.  People spend entirely too much time on Facebook, in personal blogs, and in conversations being overly boisterous in repeating whatever part they choose.  Now in my silliness, I see that as gossip.  It is a little like paining a rainbow with three colors because you do not like the other ones.  It skews perception.  So if you follow the whims of deception are you not repeating history?  No one is perfect but if you listen more to your reality than to your passion you stay anchored to the same reality.  Change comes from dreaming and growing.  You reach higher for something more than yourself and your current circumstance. 

Religion is by its sheer nature is the belief in a superior being that you cannot see or touch but must believe by pure faith. Yet, the Bible exists in inference of His existence but some would argue there again that its pure faith that makes us want to believe. Therefore, if we can imagine the existence of God and why can we not also acknowledge the belief that He is a loving, forgiving God thereby, negating our need to be so intolerant of other people.  I want to take a moment to assure you that I am a Christian and I take my faith very seriously.  What I do not understand is man’s inhumanity to man.  I hear the complaint that they have taken God out of schools yet sitting in my son’s IEP meeting, I prayed that they would have a plan that would benefit my child and help him to learn.  I feel my prayers were answered.  That was school; I thought He was there so explain this to me.  Perhaps it is all about the perception. 

I think as followers, people put too much stock in too many words.  They look to their leaders to take them to the promised utopia.  We spend too much time debating on who is right for the job and not enough time looking for the positive in the job they are doing.  As a shepherd herding his sheep, you can go no farther than the boundaries of the paddock you are grazing in and you will never know if the grass just past that boundary is sweeter.  Not everyone is a leader, and certainly too many chiefs and not enough Indians makes for a bad lot too. Even as a supporter, you are not required to graze on all the misinformation of the party line. Use your mind, look past what you are told and ask yourself is this what I want to support?

The other evening I had a minor disagreement with a post on Facebook by a friend.  I was offended that Democrats were being labeled as murderous criminals. The Republican cause was gun control.  While a part of the facts were truth, it was just that a half-truth and a large supposition.  I informed my friend that I was offended and I asked is she were in fact aware that there was a far larger picture that indicate that the right wing had more than its fair share of maniacs too.  There was a big to do about virtually nothing until at last my friend said she could see my point.  It was not my intention to do more than to do more that.  Open her eyes to a larger more complete truth.  Her views are hers to have. 

The future belongs to the small but cherished few that can see those visions that are bigger than today.  They will take us to places far beyond where we are.  I do not have all the answers nor do I presume I ever will but I do have my passions. I am guided by my dreams to find a better tomorrow.  I am unique. I know that even my daughter who si very much like me dreams a different future and in a different way than I do.  I challenge you to find your unique vision and let it be your guide. All of problems in this moment are real but they have real solutions. However, the solution may not be readily available to our current logic.  You have to dream an original resolution. Being original makes you the special person you were meant to be.  Perhaps,  you will need to regroup and start over but the success is in the attempt.I am Ruth and I am an original character!

Dare to Dream!

The Reality of Reality Television

I am pretty much a sucker any really bad reality television.

Sara Gilbert

                My daughter Kyrie and I have become addicted to a few reality shows.  You can often find us tuning into to boo the former “Yup” man, Dave Hester from Storage Wars, laughing seriously at the incredibly silly Beard brothers of Duck Dynasty, or becoming very frustrated with the arrogance of the “Legend” Captain Junior of the Seabrooke on Deadliest Catch. So it was no huge leap to add the newcomer Preacher’s Daughters.  For those who have never seen it, you can catch it on Lifetime on Tuesday nights at nine CST.  In truth, I do not highly recommend it.  It so far from real that it makes me want to throw things at the television but yet we are still recording it on DVR every Tuesday night.   So like Sara Gilbert, I am the sucker.        

                I am cynical of reality television. I have grown to enjoy the laughter of watching Barry’s antics, rooting Brandi and Jared to get a locker it is like rooting for the underdog in a game, and in truth, I was seriously relieved when Dave Hester was fired because I feel he suffers from little man complex.  Deadliest Catch was something my oldest son watched. I felt that I got to know the characters as much as one can from a television show.  The Robertson family make me laugh mostly because I know I have family like that, some of which are reading my blog saying she does not mean me. They provided me with a sarcastic view of life and even taught me a thing or two along the way.  I have to be straightforward; I did some serious research on how crab traps work.

                So the story is based on three families, the Colemans, the Koloffs, and the Perry family.  All of them have some individual issues and odd dynamics but as a collective whole, they are far from real. Even their anger is passive aggressive.  I feel like they are so busy with the Christian aspects of life that they really cannot deal with normal people. I am disconcerted that their “reality” does more to disparage Christians than to inspire them.  They coerce the daughters not behaving and harass their non-church friends.  They treat the world as if it is full of nothing but Satan beyond the church’s hallowed walls.  They live for the contradictions they present between what I say and what they do.  The walk is a little more talk for the most part.

                The Colemans are a black family. The father Ken is a preacher in a Pentecostal church and the daughter is eighteen-year-old Taylor.  The strict disciplinarian father has three sets of children by three different women and one marriage.  Taylor is rebellious.  She wants to model and act .  They tell her she is beautiful but when she tries to be normal, they tell her she is ugly. He says you are doing things behind my back  but every time she tried to talk to him about herself, ken basically shuts her down and says I will tell you what you are going to do and when. Seriously?  She is eighteen.

                Now Kolby, the daughter of the Koloff family is Kyrie’s favorite.  She is sixteen and comes from two Preacher parents.  The mother is a nurse and teaches abstinence in the church to its young members. The father is a reformed (retired) wrestler. He is by far the most “real “one of the bunch.  The mother gave a young man a four-page application to date her daughter and predetermined they were never to be alone together, no touching, and no activities that did not include group chaperones of adult age.  Seriously?  She was so paranoid that she broke up with the young man (a preacher’s son) because he was evil and would hurt her.

                The Perry’s are so fake. Father Mark, the pastor, is so proud of his reformed drug addict, partying daughter who has a baby because God gave him a vision of how powerful her faith will be and  where it will take her.  He was ever so sweet about being shocked that she lied about knowing who the baby’s father was.  He was so supportive while she went through three possibilities on air anyway to find him. He was not cross; he simply said it is the right thing to do for Eden, the baby. Seriously? No one is that cool, calm, and collected in a crisis. 

                I am so sadly disappointed that in scope of reality television a show like this could have been powerful but instead we have a man that I feel is borderline emotionally abusive, a mother that is creating a totally dysfunctional daughter, and  a set of parents that cannot even act. The testimony they had to offer about faith is lost in transition.  The most real thing I have seen was when the Kolby’s father had the young man in a head lock lightly and said,” you know son if you hurt my daughter I might have to hurt you.” This statement, of course, sent viewers into outrage.  I really am undecided as to whether I feel more dissatisfaction with the show itself or the cast.

                It is easy to be caught up into entertainment that is piped into your living room. Every year, we find that easier.   I know that I often DVR a show so that I do not have to watch commercials because they are often the same one over and over, usually it is the one that annoys me the most.  I am completely content to fast forward through the entire BS.  We all have our favorites and we like certain actors so we watch them.  Our minds want to be lifted up from our everyday problems and the drudgery that is our daily routine.  We are swept away for a bit into a new time and a different place. Reality television was designed to give you a look into the other people’s lives and help you to strive for something more.  I mean who does not want to have the life of a Kardashian or the home of a real housewife.  Wealth, fame, power they are the ever-illusive grass that is greener in someone else’s backyard. Success for the hard working person on television inspires us to do more, want more, and buy more in our own lives. If it is a positive influence then that is a great factor.  

                Faith is not entertainment. In my humble opinion, faith is a deeply personal journey to spirituality that leads us to believe in something far bigger than ourselves. That cannot be bought or sold. It certainly cannot be influenced by charade.  Therefore, what purpose is there for this show?  The reality of these families is that they are not bad people, heck; they are not even terribly original. People all over the country even the world are experiencing the same problems. Their irrational approach to dealing with daily life is not either but it is disappointing.  I expect more from my leaders especially my spiritual leaders. 

                I am the mother of four children.  They turned out pretty well.  They went to college. They are strong, caring people. They did not do drugs or go to jail. It was not an accident. It was because I instilled good values in them. I trusted them and I told them they could always come to me with any problem. There are some things I did not want to hear, things I did not want to have to explain but in the end, we all made it through.  I learned early on that if I treated them with respect and trust, that for the most part, their actions proved that my faith in them was appreciated.  When it was not, we corrected the path and went on down the road.  I was not by any means, perfect.  I made my share of mistakes.  With our oldest child, his father and I predestined that college was THE PATH. Anything else, he wanted to do would have to come after he achieved his associate’s degree, which he did.  However, he floundered a great deal. Eventually he found a home in the Air Force working on planes. The lesson was that it really was not our decision to make.  He needed to find his own way to fly.  Control works when they are small not when they are young adults.

                What you offer your children is what they will understand.  If you teach them nothing but fear and pessimism, then they will lead sheltered lives as children and experience great devastations as adults or fail to thrive all together.  If you are strict, then they will rebel and when they get freedom, they will over use it.  When they fall down and get back up, it is our job to help them up but not to sugar coat the situation.  We are all human.  We all make our share of mistakes. The best we can offer is to love them, show them tolerance, and pick them up when they fall because eventually they will need it.

                I also have to advise you at this point, that reality television is entertainment.  It is edited to entice you to watch more.  There is seldom much reality in it.  Mostly, it’s good editing. If you find yourself the sucker for a bad show, I hope you try not to bust the television.  I also hope you will find a voice and question, why it is necessary to have such dribble on the air.  When the aggravation gets to be to trying, use the power button, turn it off and find something more constructive to settle your mind on.  On the flip side though if you find a valuable lesson or a purpose or it inspires you to something good be grateful for the lesson.  Whichever way the crow flies it’s still just television.

To Do Nothing....

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Edmund Burke  

                My son, Jared called me this morning and I realized that the conversation was going to be tenuous when one of the first things he said to me was , “ Mom, I sure hope bad things really only come in threes but yesterday was a bad day.  As I listened, he recounted the tragedies that had occurred in the last twenty-four hour period.   He had problems at school, he got rear ended, and after the horrible day his fiance took him to dinner and they returned an hour and fifteen minutes later, they had been burglarized.  They lost a new big screen television, all of his schoolbooks, his backup drives, his jewelry, and his laptop.  His roommates lost electronics and such as well.  He was distraught knowing that this is the week before finals.  I think genuinely the loss while catastrophic in nature to a young man his age was secondary to the fact that he felt really angry that living next door to the fire station on a street full of family homes yet no one noticed. He said,” seriously,  Mom, how can someone carry out a fifty five inch television set and not one person saw one thing?”

                I sighed wishing desperately I had a positive answer for him.  I am well acquainted with the bystander effect.  I remember vividly reading the case of Kitty Genovese in abnormal psychology.  It was the most common case sited.   She was stabbed to death in borough of Queens in New York City in March of 1968 by a serial rapist.  It was reported by the papers at the time of the attack that over the case of an hour in three separate attacks and places over thirty-eight people witnessed the attack and did absolutely nothing.  They were common, law abiding, and hard working citizens.  They did nothing, thinking that surely someone else did. The high cost of do nothing was a young woman’s life.

                The term bystander effect refers to the phenomenon in which the greater the numbers of people present, the less likely people are to help a person in distress. It is difficult for me to understand the concept of doing nothing. I think unfortunately, it is for my son as well.   From a moral standpoint only, I see it as allowing evil to conquer over good.  We all need a helping hand from time to time. None of us is exempt.  We break down in odd places, have a flat tire, or run off the road.  We hope for cell service but if you have none then you have to hope there is a kind soul that will offer aid.  When did helping your neighbor become so threatening to our society?

                My neighbor and I had a falling out about a year ago.  She and I have different version at what really lies at the heart of the discussion however, I do NOT go out of my way to be rude or unkind.  If I see her, I waved or spoke, even when at its worst her replies were verbally diminishing.  The other night, we witnessed a fight in our back yards born from neighbors on both sides meeting in the middle to carry out a fight.  The neighborhood kids and in truth part of the adult were surrounding them chanting fight. She knocked on my door with fear in face.  At this point, calling the police was already in the works.  She was begging me,” please, call they have weapons.”   Now I could have done nothing about either situation because in truth, that was the easiest of choices was to remain uninvolved.  I could have out of pure contempt of my neighbor, not answered my door and refused to call.  I could have relished in the laughter that she was so scared.  I could have put my shade down and continued watching the voice like it did not exist. Or yesterday when the picking my teenager up from school, I could have not called the owner of a local business to inform him a teenage girl was parading around his parking lot in her bra and panties  because she was “hot” (physically) or that her cohorts in crime were running out into a busy street and stopping traffic.  

                The truth is that in choosing to do nothing I would have allowed bad situations to become even more potentially dangerous for everyone involved. Therefore, I ACTED. Te results, my neighbor and I worked out an amicable agreement to get along not to be great friend but it was a start.  It was a start that would never have occurred had it not been our mutual desire to act.  The parent of the kid next door did not appreciate my intervention but understood I did so out of a need to keep the neighborhood safe for all of us to live in. the business owner was very appreciative because he had numerous complaints by tenants in the rest of the building and his customers.  Being busy with work, he was not aware who was responsible and it gave him a time and identification to stop the problem.

                I have always taught my children to stand up for the injustices of the world.  Not to allow peer pressure ever dictate their values and their behaviors.  This week those lessons have been put to the test.  As a parent, I felt I had no other options but live what I preach.  While in truth this was a weird week here in our little town and especially in our part of it, it was a great opportunity to grow. I think we will value what we have learned.

                First, my youngest son learned that violence begets more violence and that there is an appropriate time and place for everything.  He also learned that all actions have a reaction and negative actions have and even more negative reaction.  The most important lesson sadly he said he learned was that not all people will behave toward you in the same way you behave toward them. I did my best to instill that even though they may not act that way toward you it does not give you the right to ask with the same disregard.

                Now, I truly cannot any of the neighbors saw last night but I find it hard to believe that you would not notice strangers parked in the driveway carrying out a fifty-five inch plasma flat screen television and armfuls of schoolbooks and computers.  Maybe they are all just relieved it did not happen to them. By refusing to come forward to get involved, you virtually increase the possibility that it will be you.  Evil only grows where it is allowed.  If you choose to do nothing, the questions you should ask yourself are how will that effect me when I need help and what does it say about me as a person?  It  is just takes twenty seconds of insane courage to do the right thing and you will gain the most wondrous of things. Speak up, use your voice, be the person you were meant to be. Everyone wants to see your light.  

Brand New Start

The fear of death follows from the fear of life.

Mark Twain

                I remember the day I got married. My father said to me as we stood waiting to walk up the aisle that I could still change my mind. He would be more than happy to go in and tell everyone we called it off.  I was shocked and worried in the same instant. I wondered what he could know that I did not or what I was not seeing. My divorce happened many years after his death. I remember thinking to myself he would be sitting up in heaven shaking his head saying, “Ruthie Ann , I told you this would not work.”

                I spent eighteen years with the same man. It was never the picture perfect marriage but I do not guess I realized how hard it had been.  When we separated the first time, I was not heartbroken I was scared to death.  Scared that I had four children to raise, scared that I had no personal income, scared because I really had no close family at that point, and scared because I believed I was too weak.  I never forget setting in the marriage counselor’s office and his saying, “you know you are the strong one right?”  I knew that man had lost his mind. I had so much to learn about myself then.

                It would take two years of problems and issues to finalize a divorce and custody agreement.  It was not so much that we fought about who would have custody but about the cost.  MONEY was the root of all the bitterness. I began to see my life as it was and not as I had through rose-colored glasses. I was emotional but mostly it was because I had lost my faith; faith in myself to carry on, faith in God, and faith in love.  I felt guilty that I did not feel more. I felt confused that I was relieved.  Looking back on it, I was not really that surprised by his infidelity.  He admitted it once.  My mistake was in believing that because I wanted to work it out he did.  In truth, I was just afraid to move on past that point ALONE.

                It would take me a while to understand that I had grieved the death of my marriage long before it actually happened.  We had been going through the motions. We had come to the point that even good appearances were not on our plate anymore.  The death certificate was just delayed by the use of extraordinary life ignoring measures.  It is honest truth is that our children were the only reason we had remained together for at least the last ten years of our marriage.  We did not want each other. As I always say though, ONLY YOU CAN SAY WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

                My story is not uncommon.  As a matter of fact, I know several women that have gone through the same problem.  I have a couple of friends that have gone through the divorces and I was honored to return the helping hands they gave me. I think you have to understand that it is like a death. We all have to go through it and mourn in our own way.  For me, I mourned it while I was still living with him.  For some it appears to come as shock.   I know women who truly felt they had beautiful marriages until they get separated or the divorce papers come. I always ask myself is that true are they shocked or is that denial?  In truth, the first time I found out about the other woman. I was hurt because I believed that was the one place he would never go because honesty was so big to him.  I can empathize to a point but in truth, there are signs and denial is powerful. But that is a whole other conversation…So moving on.

                When the dust settles and the ink dries, one very solid truth remains. You have to go on.  You are not really alone but it does require some adjustments on your part.  Inevitably, there are childish adults that find it hard to be friends with both parties and you will have to find a way to move past them with forgiveness.  You will have to find new activities that can include friends but that do not make you feel uncomfortable because you are not a “couple” anymore.  The biggest adjustment however, is to mourn the death of what was and come to acceptance of what is.  Finding joy is your here and now is a HUGE job.  The journey begins with acceptance. 

                We all have a tendency to wallow occasionally.  That is fairly normal. The truth is a good pity party can make really clear your focus.  Eat, drink, cry, throw the pillows, hit the bed, kick scream, drink too much, and/or eat all the chocolate in the house BUT SET A TIME LIMIT.  Mine is 12 hours or less.  Then take a long, soothing, hot shower or bath and sleep.  When you get up, put one foot in front of the other and move on. In truth, the other person already has. Why would let them rob you of your chance to be happy?

                You cannot dwell on what they are doing and with whom they are doing it.  It will make you absolutely nuts.  So what if they go to your favorite spot!  THAT IS OUTSIDE THE REALM OF YOUR CONTROL!!!!!. Live your life your way.   You have been given a new start. Break the bonds that hold you tied to a past that is not your future.  No, it is not easy but it is necessary.  Change is not easy because it is usually born out of pain.  If you have no kids, then maybe it is time to consider a change of scenery entirely.   You owe it to yourself to try.

                My friend Barb and I stayed in our hometown because we both had children.  Our custody arrangements decreed a certain moving radius as not to inhibit visitation.  Both of us have a magical countdown to the day they graduate.  We are often planning storage units and until we out grow the traveling bug.  Then we have the days we decide to buy islands and escape the world entirely.  Today somewhere Greek would be nice.  It definitely should include wine.  We still struggle some days with divorce crap mostly based on our children.  I am not saying everyday is a picnic.  I am not saying things never get us down or that we do not need each other’s shoulders to cry on from time to time. Every day brings something new.  We laugh, we cry, and occasionally we still fuss about them. In truth though, neither of us has been happier. 

                So, cheers!  Here is to moving on and brand new start!!!!!!!!!!!

Bullying

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.
Eleanor Roosevelt

                Since his birth, my youngest son, JBear has been the picture of love. He can make you smile on your darkest days. No matter how angry he gets or how frustrated with someone, he is the first to rush to apology.  For him, it is not about who did wrong but about preserving the relationship.  He is smiling and happy.  He is quick to offer help to those around him. He is even quicker to offer his praise and thanks to people for their actions. I have often envied these traits.  Every day he teaches me the meaning of love.

                He is by appearance this incredibly tall, thin young man that looks a bit on the geeky side.  He chatters incessantly, is constantly inquisitive, and like most teenagers has the kid slang down to a tee.  He has a bit of a pronunciation problem when he speaks too fast for instance Kyrie (his sister) is Kywi just so you understand her name is actually articulated as eerie with a K.  He is extraordinarily personable and can strike up a conversation with anyone at any time.

There is also another undeniable truth about Jbear.  He is essentially labeled as handicapped.  He has severe learning disabilities.  He has extreme Attention Deficit Disorder (the scans say about 99%).  He has auditory processing disorder.  Just in case that was not enough, he has memory recall disabilities. He was in enclosed classrooms eight-seven percent of this day throughout grade school and middle school.  In Junior high school, he was put into a regular class schedule with special circumstances. In high school, he has continued this type of routine.  Often his classes are smaller and contain mostly other learning impaired kids. 

                 Due to his disabilities, he is now and always has been a huge target for bullies. Ridicule about his size.  Being six foot five inches tall and one hundred twenty-five pounds makes you stand out in the crowd.  Obviously, his disabilities and capabilities add to this.  The poor kid might as well have a neon flashing sign on his back that says bully me.  An unfortunate truth is that kids are cruel.  Try as I might though to save him and protect him, I cannot keep the world from injuring him.  We talk all the time about letting things go and not listening but his innocent heart and mind, he cannot imagine intentionally hurting someone else so he cannot fathom why they behave that way toward him.

                 I have been doing some investigation work and I want to provide you with some staggering statistics.  According To The Bureau Of Justice School Bullying and Cyberbullying statistics Study:

§  1 out of 4 kids are Bullied.

§  77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, & physically. Cyberbullying statistics are rapidly approaching similar numbers, with 43% experiencing cyberbullying.

§  Of the 77% of students that said they had been bullied, 14% of those who were bullied said they experienced severe (bad) reactions to the abuse.

§  1 in 5 students admit to being a bully, or doing some "Bullying."

§  Each day 160,000 students miss school for fear of being bullied.

§  43% of kids fear harassment in the bathroom at school.

§  Playground school bullying statistics - Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention - 4%. Peer intervention - 11%. No intervention - 85%.

I have tried to process what that means to me. I feel so many mixed emotions about these statistics.  It raises so many more questions for me than answers.  The first being that as adults, are we the precipitating factor in the encouragement of bullying? Are we failing to educate in our children that while you have the right to stand up for yourself and your causes with respect for others?  Or truly are we teaching them it does not matter if others are hurt by our words and actions as long as we are validated in our actions?  Peaceful protesting has given way to hate. I do not think today’s causes are any less volatile than those to the generations before us but I do feel that the notion of freedom of speech has taken on a disparaging tone.  I find it harder and harder to forgive those trespasses.

I often write pieces with the theme that words matter but I think it is so much more than that, PARENTING MATTERS.  In our fast paced, fast food society, we have a responsibility to not only talk to our children about boundaries and respect but as parents we have live the example.  If we as adults speak to our children with hate or our children are allowed to be party to our hate oriented activities, they will glean from us that hate and bullying are acceptable behaviors.   As responsible parents, it is our duty to talk to our children about healthy responses to negative stimuli.  It is our duty to ask them about their environments and friends.

Talk to your children about bullying. Ask them, if they have been bullied at school or online.  Talk them about the actions and words they use to see if they are aware that something they have done could be considered bullying.  The best offense to the fight against bullying begins at home. It is our responsibility to teach our children decent human values.  If you think your child is a bully, seek appropriate help from a counselor.  If you believe that you are in a relationship with an adult bully and it could be affecting your home life, then please, act responsibly no matter how fearful you are and seek help.  NEVERTHELESS, PLEASE, WAKE UP AND TAKE A STAND, OUR CHILDREN ARE THE ONES THAT PAY.  HELP MAKE THE WORLD BETTER, TALK TO THEM, AND TEACH THEM, IT IS THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.  No Child should fear going to school to learn.  Every child should feel protected by the adults in charge.  Make a difference.