Comfort Foods

              

      As some of you will know already, we had a huge reversal of fortune in our city.  Ryan Ferguson who had been in prison for just about a decade was released. In the press conference, a reported asked him what the first meal he planned to have is.  His reply was Dairy Queen.  The crowd laughed.  Later on Facebook, he was shown having a beer and eating steak.  I had to laugh wondering if he got his Dairy queen or not.  However, it did start me thinking about the subject of comfort food.   The things we all desire that make us feel better.  It brought to mind something my Grandma Ruth used to tell, “There is a food for everything. When are coming and when they are leaving to go home are different foods. There are happy foods and comfort foods.”  I dare say she was wise woman though as a teenager, I have to say that it all seemed a bit odd to me now, I think she might just be on to something pretty profound.

                As I usually do before writing, I do some background work and I try to piece together all the aspects of the subject I want to discuss so I researched comfort food.  One expert said that comfort foods comfort us. Well, yeah, DAH!  Another said it was detrimental to our emotional health to feed our feelings instead of expressing them and working through them.  Now I can say this is a very logical and well thought out argument that I mostly agree with.  One should always identify and feel their feelings or they begin to possess your mind and cause harm. I also agree with the fact that food is not a healthy crutch and can actually cause you to develop harmful addictions. The apart I have issue with is that word ALWAYS.  I do not believe always or never exists in any given situation. I feel that as long as you recognize the issue, you do not depend on food to cure the situation, and you do the feelings an occasional indulgence is probably not going to do irreversible harm.  Another expert said that actually giving into your whims about food is self indulgent and immature, which created means we created our own inability to cope with stress. Well, POPPYCOCK!  Seriously, we have our own ways of dealing with things.  We have mechanisms by which we clear the chaos and find the resolution of in our minds. Food, a drink, a run, cooking, cleaning just to name a few that come to mind.  Most rational adults realize that eventually, you have to talk it out; I do not think a chocolate bar is going to kill your emotional development.

                So I bypassed the experts and went to my friends for their thoughts.  I asked my best friend Barb specifically about her thoughts on comfort food.  Her reply, I admit, startled me a tiny bit, because I thought I knew the answer but I did not really.  Macaroni and cheese, not the Kraft kind mind, but good old-fashioned homemade macaroni and cheese is what makes her heart happy again.  My friend Larry, said meatloaf was his.  Still another, Chris, told me anything home made. Now my kids are blessed in that respect because I have been cooking for them from scratch since they were old enough to eat table food. 

                Now, for me, I have different comfort foods for different for different reasons.  When I am stressed and feeling overwhelmed there is nothing more “comforting” to me than kettle potato chips and the dark caramel liquid of the gods, know otherwise as Pepsi.  When I am sad there is nothing more “comforting” than fresh home cut fries and some sweet cake or bread usually Coca cola cake or pumpkin muffins.  It is the balance of sweet and salty, soft and crunchy that tends to make me feel better.  While discussing this subject though, she admitted that she too had that issue.  Guacamole, Pico de Gallo and margaritas were her stress comfort now that was the answer I was expecting the first time. 

                The truth is a very simple we all have different foods that brings comfort in different ways and at different times.  For some like my friend Barb, the thrill of homemade macaroni and cheese like her Mother made her growing up brings that sense of security and nostalgia that calms the worst of days.  It is a feeling of calm that came when our parents made things right, a time when life did not seem so stressful and precarious.  I would agree that anything cooked at home creates a sense of peace and caring in us especially in this day and age of processed and fast foods.  In truth, most of us, work so hard that slowing down seems to be something we do only on holidays or vacations sometimes weekends.  We raise our children on multiple afterschool activities and sports participation that we the question I have for you though is simple. What about the notion that having dinner together with your family, cooking together, and shutting out the world to provide the ultimate sense of peace and understanding? Hey grew up on homemade Halloween costumes that spent hours sewing and home cooking.  It was a treat to go out to dinner, and grabbing pizza was a huge deal, but today it is common place.

                I was talking to my oldest son today, who is in the Military and stationed in California.  We were talking about his plans for Thanksgiving.  I asked what his plans were this year knowing that he does not have leave to come home and he said he was unsure but he thought he would be brave and make wild rice dressing. It is an old family recipe that my Grandmother past down.  It is not complicated but a bit time consuming.   It is a matter grinding vegetables to a paste and cooking wild rice then letting it all soak overnight in cream before it can be baked.  In our family, it is a staple of the day that cannot be missed. The simple truth though is that more than it being a favorite food, it reminds him of family of tradition.  As we talked I said what are your favorite memories of growing up and he said Friday night dinners, and movie in the basement on the big screen.  Home is where the food came from and where I spent my time and love feeding them.  I love that he will always have that thought and I hope he will be a wise enough man to give that to his children when has them.  Dinner with your family is an essential to building strong family bonds.  It is not easy in our busy world but it is well worth the effort.

                 I think the other notion I have formulated about comfort foods is something very simple also.  Stress, anger, and sadness are often brought about in situations that are beyond our own control.  Our jobs, our coworkers, our troubles, our children, just simply life in general are full of complications.  While we cannot control all that happens to us or that we forced to deal with, we can control what we eat. We can take some measure of calm from something we can decide upon.  It is a huge sense of relief to sit before that warm heaping plate of golden macaroni and cheese.  It is a choice I can make.  It can go to my kitchen and by design, no matter how bad the rest of the day is, I can choose to cook that dish.  It is all about me.  My craving, my effort, and my decision, it is all about me and I control it. 

                So here are my final thoughts, it does not matter what food you choose. Its importance is about giving you a sense of control and security.  It can help you relive fond family memories and tradition which turns the sadness and angst into something less chaotic and upsetting.  It provides you with a sense that while the rest of the world is spinning out of control, you have choices that you can make.  Comfort is about feeling better.  So whether it is something cooked at home in your kitchen or you favorite candy bar, take a moment and enjoy that sense of ease and peace that comfort provides.  Life will still be there, your inbox will still have things to do, and the issue will still need solving.  However, you will be in a much easier place to deal with it and your mind much clearer.  Please, remember that food is not the cure all and at some point we do have to deal with our emotional and life related problems.  However, at times we all derive some comfort from our favorite foods.  Sometimes comfort is a huge step into getting through to the other end.

  

The Purpose of a Lighthouse

The Purpose of a Lighthouse

      The lighthouse has stood thorough out time as a pillar of safety and help to countless ships and their crews.  They originated as simple pillars lay on the shores to help guide ships. Through time, they became took on new dimensions and attributes such as lights and the foghorn. With the development of GPS, the lighthouse has become more a beacon of historical value than a necessity of safety.  There are still over a thousand functioning lighthouses in the United States alone.  Most of them are automated but the Coast Guard is entrusted with their maintenance and upkeep. 

      The lighthouse during its hay day was of great value mariners.  They were usually built from granite, wood or stone. They were a tower with a bright revolving light at its top.  They ranged in heights from 50 to 250 feet.   The lights have been reported to be seen as far as 25 miles out though planes have reported seeing the lights from a distance of 45 to 50 miles out.  To a ship on the open sea, it served two main purposes.  The first is as a navigational landmark that allows them to know their approximate location.  The second is to warn those same ships of impending dangerous areas such as  The shoreline and cliffs, sand bars, reefs, and other potential hazards that might damage a vessel.  Either purpose makes them an invaluable tool to sailors.

      Before the times of automation, men had to constantly man the lights filling them with oil and trimming their wicks.  The lens had to be cleaned and kept free of soot so the lights could be seen.  They tested the foghorns as well.  They were responsible for the reports of accidents at sea.  They kept the machinery well oiled and made sure the lights turned at certain rates so that the lights could be seen in all directions.  Today, many of them are still in use, especially in Michigan around the Great Lakes.  Though they are now mostly fully automated, they still serve the same purposes. 

      During times of bad weather and heavy fog, they are still of great value today.  The satellite signals are often distorted by weather conditions here on the earth. A prime example is your cable or dish television network.  We love them when they are working but the clouds roll in and the thunder claps, the signal then lags the picture stalls or becomes distorted.  The lights continue to turn.  While the visibility of the light may be diminished, the sound of the foghorn can be heard also.  It is still guiding those on the water to safety and warning of impending dangers.

      So  I am relatively certain that while you are mildly interested in my facts on light houses that you are probably wondering what my purpose for bring this up might be.  Well, I will share it with you.  Each of us is not unlike the lighthouse.  Our words and actions are like beacons that guide those around us to a safe haven or help them find their way on the journey of life. Like the light keepers of old, we are entrusted with the maintenance of the lights we send out. If we fail to clean our minds and keep the lens (our eyes) clear of debris then in truth the message we send will be clouded and less helpful even harmful to those around us.  Hate and negative are certainly part of that debris.  Many times in my past, I have preached the value of words.  Today is certainly no exception.  When you use words to harm another even just to express your opinion about something, you are guilty of neglecting the beacon you send out to the world.  In days of old, the keeper would have lost his position or been severely reprimanded for such callous behavior but today we are all going unchecked.

      Many of the lighthouse keepers had help.  Often that was their families or a relief staff.  Today, we can help each other be accountable for a more positive train of thought just by being a good friend, by listening in their time of need, by caring as much about others as we do for ourselves, or simply by accepting with tolerance the situations we do not understand. Not everyone loves the same way, but they are entitled to love nonetheless.  Not everyone shares the same background or religious beliefs, but they are free to see the world from their own vision just as you are.  Not everyone will make the same decision you do in any particular situation, but they are entitled to the right to make it.  Not everyone can take negative interaction and make it turn out positive; however, they have to find their own way through. That does not make one person’s way better than another’s only different.

      I am my brother’s keeper but I am not his judge. If I can help him to find his way then I entrusted to do that. If I am so busy being critical of how he does the job then in truth I am not doing mine very well.  I have fallen down because my part of the work is suffering.   How do I know that? Because no man is a rock and can go through life completely alone. We all need each other at some point.  I need the man that drives the truck that delivers the vegetables that I want to fix for dinner.  I need the woman that teaches first grade because she is leading the new generation to become productive adults.  I need to understand to understand why my Jewish friends’ faith so that I can be a better friend to her and a better host when she is in my home.   I need to work on understanding the Spanish man at the market because even though it is not my language, he is trying to communicate something to me so it must have value.  I need to love and respect my son and my friends that are homosexual because love is everything and I want them to love and respect me in return.

       I may be different. I may love differently. I may not agree or understand all the time.  I may have different needs and wants.  We may have conflicting opinions. Our lifestyles may contradict each other.   That is the nature of human beings. Nevertheless, like the lighthouse, my beacon has value. Its light will grace the world with hope.  Not everyone will need it and not everyone will heed its warnings, but someone will. I cannot change how they will view my thoughts or word. I cannot force anyone to accept my support. I cannot control the whole world.  I will not even bother to try. Some things are just outside the realm for me and I have to accept that. What I can do though is to try to be the best me I can be.  I can try to give love, caring, and aid.  I can be generous with my positive words and feelings.  I can give tolerance even when I am not shown any.  I can give thanks for the smallest of blessings even when they did not exactly my hopes.  I can stand tall with pride and even when I am not needed the way I was in my past I can continue to shine my light.

      The purpose of any light was comfort so if your light is filled with hate and condemnation then perhaps it is time for you to clean the lens or fill yourself with happiness.  Sometimes, all we need is to fill our tanks with something more positive, sometimes we need to replace the entire bulb (idea).  Sometimes we just need to trim the wick (change our way of looking at things). Sometimes we have to be less automated and more hands on.   If you are lost, then perhaps you need to start looking for the light. I challenge you today check your lighthouse. Do not be the cause of destruction but instead the ray of hope in the darkness and the storms.  The lighthouse is moving all about to save people.  It stays place and shines it's light brightly allowing everyone else to recognize their own destruction.

How do you Pack?

             

       I was watching as Kyrie, my daughter, made her packing list.  She had taken a nanny job from her father and stepmother.  While they were out of town, she was going to care for her younger brother and sister.  She is a busy young woman these days with a full time job, the after school nanny transport of her siblings and a couple of other friends teens plus a full time class schedule of painting and drawing.   Our small family room is overrun with canvas, charcoal, paints, easels, and all the various art supplies that come with her studies.   I wondered how in the world she would move all the things she needs and uses every week to their house or even begin to minimize for transportation.  Over the week she would text and call to say, “Hey I forgot this and that.”  She knew exactly where it was and how much she needed.   She would was very direct about not over packing.  What seemed to fit neatly in one bag had now become multiple trips home for more and more bags.  I would just smile and shake my head knowing that sooner or later it would all be returning here to the same spot it had vacated.  When she came home, the bags lined the office, the pillows, the suitcase…  She proclaimed it was just exhausting to be away.  The things set sprawled out for a few days and in her own time she put them away.   I know this is true but in some respects I was a bit shocked because she is so organized, we often accuse her of being OCD or as she would say CDO.   Hence, the fact that things somewhat just sat in the bags and the suitcase for a few days was a bit of puzzlement to me.  Eventually, all the things went back to their proper place and life returned to its neat and precise world.  She just needed some time off the emotional and busy roller coaster to deal with baggage.

                Me, I am the over packer.  I take more than I can ever wear.  It is crazy.  I pack my brown skirt. Subsequently I pack my favorite top to wear with it, then what if I take the dressy top too for going out, and of course, I should think about a long sleeved blouse to go with it in case there is a chill in the air but then maybe I should also consider my brown pants.  One outfit has now become three or four and needless to say, there also multiple shoe choices to make to go with them like flats for the day and pumps for dressing up or maybe sandals.  In the end, it is all of them just in case. On and on goes the struggle until at last, the suitcase is full beyond its capacity and I have to have another bag for the personal necessities. I enviably need to buy something new to supplement my older things too. For instance, when I went to Greece, with my friend Barb, I bought two new dresses and a swimming suit.  I wore one of the dresses on vacation the other hung in my closet until I finally sold it in the garage sale with the tags still on it.  I like the feeling that I am prepared for all the things.  I need multiple choices because I do not want to feel tied down to that one thing but in truth I am so busy preparing for all the outcomes that I cannot see how cluttered I make the suitcase.  When I get home, I anxiously go through the cases for all the mementos I bring back and cherishing the moments in time they represent.  Usually I try to get the things put away in short order so I can get on with just the happy moments. I can hardly wait to share them with everyone and talk endlessly about the things I did or saw.  Some things I will not use again until the next trip other I will use right away.  I always vow to be more precise on the next trip but I know in my heart I will be forever the over packer.

                One of my friends is the necessity packer.   She makes due with only the bare essential.               She will wear the same outfit more than once. She plans for only the thought that she is gone x number of days and she is doing only certain things.   There are times I have been envious that she seemed to be so focused but then the issue became simply  all the what if’s.  What if there was a sudden turn in the weather?  What if there were dress requirements at certain place she was really wanted to dine? In the end, the rigidity of her packing often left her unprepared for the unforeseen events thus changing what was a wonderful moment in time to the aggravating situation.  Either she had to endure the issue in agony or she had to go try to find something to fix the problem.  The plans she had so carefully constructed were then put on hold or even cancelled.  She would come to regret her packing choices and lived with disappointment of that she was unable to do all the things she had planned.  I always hope she learned a valuable lesson in that she would do a better job next time.  Sometimes though, it worked just the way it was supposed to and life was just grand.   In the end though there is no little room for all the extras that we tend to acquire on vacation so she makes do with a few special things and goes on her merry way.

                As I pondered writing this blog, I realized that these are all representative of the baggage we have in life as well.  Life is like a huge trip and what we pack, the lessons we learn, and what we do with them is much like how we pack for a vacation.  We all have unique ways in which we do it and deal with it in the end. Both our packing and unpacking  emulate our life choices. 

                For instance, in the case of my daughter, she is very precise about the issues in her life.   She is very good at identifying the problem, adapting, and overcoming.   She is not great at letting go of the issue though.  It can sit there as my friend Barb would say like the white elephant in the middle of the room until she processes it and eventually bit by bit it is put away.  She is can be a bit of hoarder at times though so sometimes the white elephants stay around far longer than I would like or even she would like.  I am not sure she intends it to be that way but by the time its over she is mentally exhausted and just needs that time to build up her strength before she can put it away.  I think it is healthy in most respects because I do know eventually the problem will be solved and the white elephant will be dealt with and life will go on.  She will have gleaned the positive messages.  It only becomes a negative is you leave the bags and the suitcases unpacked and continually ignore them all together.   Can you imagine have a suitcase sitting in your room for weeks or years and never really dealing with the contents of it? I do not think any can actually say yes in earnest.  Yes, for a limited time like my daughter, you can walk around it but at some point no matter how long it is eventually, you have to deal with the baggage.  You have to unpack it and put it in its place.  No one likes difficulty or confrontation really but it is one of those necessary evils at times.   We make the biggest changes in our lives when we are amidst the trouble times of our lives.   Sometimes space and time make the job much lighter not to mention a more positive attitude can shape the outcome in an entirely different manner.

                For us over packers, I can say I share your burdens.  My friend Stephen who so graciously reminds me that I am over thinking and taking on too much, I feel a bit like he is follows behind me taking things out of the suitcase saying you do not need this or that. Truth is simply this though, when your head is so full of what if’s you make it bigger than it has to be. No one, no matter how equipped, no matter how introspective you are, no matter discernative, will you have covered all the bases.  In time, you will have forgotten something and you will be hit with the fact that you are overwhelmed.  It is commendable to want to work it out but in the end, you just have to deal with what is and put it away all the extra clutter. When you realize that you have all the extras you are not going to use then get rid of them.  Do not be afraid to let go.  What good does holding onto the past or its pain do any one in reality?  If I sit and think about it, I could recount all the thorns that have stuck me in the past and while in some ways I still bear part of the scars for the most part, I look back with happiness. For instances, I was in a very bad marriage for many years to not a nice man. It was painful and getting out of it was even more disagreeable but today I can say I would not change it.  I have four amazing, beautiful, genuinely loving children.  We made those kids together.  I cannot imagine not having them.  I can honestly say I was not strong enough to leave before the day it happened.  I needed to go the distance, wear all my possible outfits so to speak before I knew it was time to take my leave.

                The under packer in some respects collects less clutter but I hazard a guess to say that they get more than their fair share of disappointments.  Imagine packing for a trip to an island paradise.  You throw in your bathing suit and your flip-flops maybe a cover up then you get there and it is the worst tropical storm in history.  You are suddenly cold and shivering.  You regret not checking the weather.  You regret not throwing in a sweatshirt and jeans.  While you want to go shopping for something new and warm, you options are limited.  Life is seldom tidy and easy.   You have to be prepared or at least willing to acknowledge that the weather can change at any minute or you have doomed to regrets and upsets.   It is one thing to let go of all the unnecessary baggage in life but it is very different to acknowledge its possibilities because bad things happen even to the best of us.   All the should have, could have, and I wish I hads will not change that.   I know so many people that bury their heads in the sand and cannot face the problems that arise in their lives.   They turn into bitter people, angry that the storms of life ruined their perfect vacation. They blame everyone and everything else for their unhappiness and misadventures.  Truth is they just did not prepare for what was to come. Burying your head in the sand will not change the outcome.

I think it is admirable if in the end you can take way the treasures instead of the burdens.   Life’s lessons are seldom easy to learn but if you see them as a blessing then you can cherish the travels and the precious moments.  It is like bringing home a post card.  You buy the one vision that appeals to you and in your mind it perfectly captures the special place in the way you memories see it.  It does not mean that you will not remember the rain but the way it glistened on the leaves of the trees as the rainbow came out.  We all are caught up in the arrival.  We are THERE.  The missing piece of the puzzle is that the journey is the happiness, its moving toward the destination that makes all the difference because once you have arrived all that is left is the unpacking and the end.   Like my daughter, realize when you just need a break before you deal with the stress.   Ignoring it all together is unhealthy and will not change the truth, take your time if you need it.   Deal with what you can when you can.  My advice to you is enjoy the getting there, take away something positive from having arrived, and in the end, unpack and let go. You can only move on if you unpack first.