The Great Moral Dilemma

          

We live in a small city that houses three major college campuses.  The biggest one is the University of Missouri.  Young people a bound especially during the nine months of the school year. For the most part, it is a calm, quaint kind of town except on football Saturdays when of course town is abuzz with Tiger spirit.  We are surrounded by many small towns and farms.  It is situated between two major cities.  It has been a wonderful place to raise children.  We have some wonderful concerts, great restaurants, and even a little touch of opera and theater  For the most part, we have managed to avoid high crime rates and the big city issues.   Rush hour traffic usually means it takes us thirty minutes to go across town versus the normal fifteen. We are by no means a small town as the population is one hundred nine thousand people.  We really have the best of worlds, small town charm and big city opportunity. 

Up until this fall, we had two high schools and have the major rivalry between them with a clear division between those that went to school on the north side of town and those that went on the south side.  Even though I currently reside on the North side of town for economical reasons, in the great family tradition of his siblings, my son goes to high school on the south side.  So at least two thirds of the month, we transport him across town in the morning and make the same trek in the afternoon to pick him up.  The drive takes us right by the Planned Parenthood Office.  Many times a week there is a long line of protestors.  At first, there were fairly benign.   Lately, they have had to be removed and there is an officer stationed there. There clear signs that say that it is private property and those violators will be prosecuted.   I have read the signs of the activists as we passed. I have witnessed those going in being escorted and heard the ramblings of those aggressively trying to speak to them.  Most of them have a common theme, we will pray for your sin as you kill your baby.  I shake my head with disdain as these “Christians”.  I wonder aloud some times to my children how God would feel about their use of His book and His name to further their own agenda and fuel their hatred.  It makes me sad and ashamed. 

Recently, my news feed is filled with angry postings about the subject too.  Those both pro choice and pro life are complaining that no one is listening.  Crazy statements are being made especially by men concerning the matter advocating that even rape victims should not have the right to choose.  A woman’s body does not shut down the need to reproduce just because she is being raped. That was an absurd statement.  A senator that advocated women should go back in time to the wire hanger method if she really needed an abortion.  I wonder if that were his daughter or sister how he would feel about the matter.  A candidate that even promoted the thought process that a child of rape should not be punished for his creation has made the headlines.   Seriously???  All of these arguments have one great common denominator~~RELIGION.  The moral majority speaks loudly.  I, for one, am no longer listening.  The campaign of hate and hurt made any valid point you once had mute.

So, let me be thoroughly clear on this matter.  I am pro choice and while I do not agree that women should use abortion as a contraceptive (as in instead of protection and safe sex) I do agree to their right to choose for themselves what is the right and just decision for their lives. I have to tell you that it is not an easy decision.  I have never known a woman yet that did not agonize over making the decision at some point.  I am sure many will tell you that in later years they regret their choice but the point being they had the right to make a CHOICE.  I want to be even clearer in saying that I am a Christian. I have a strong faith in God but not so much in man these days.  If being a believer means to you that you are God’s jury and you can decide for Him what is just and right then I think we read different Bibles.  Quite frankly, I have to say I am not interested in reading yours.   Susan B Anthony once said, “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice that it always coincides with their own desires.”  I think she is a very wise woman.

The great moral dilemma is simply this.  Do you have the right to impose your beliefs onto others?  The interesting issue that ensues is that when it applies to subjects that directly affect your belief system you say yes but you say no when it affects the lives of others you could care less about.  For instance, there is one failed attempt to conceal a bomb in the heal of a shoe and today millions of American travelers are now removing their shoes in airports but sixty one have been injured in mass shootings since 1983.  We have done almost nothing to ensure the safety of our children in schools or effect gun control.  Why is that?  We have the right to bear arms according to the Constitution.  I have the right to the pursuit of happiness and I have to be honest with you, it does not make me particularly happy to take off my shoes in the airport.  So I say do away with it.   While you can carry a firearm, having grown up around hunters all my life I have to be honest and tell you if you need thirty rounds to kill a deer you are a really poor shot.  How can a person advocate being prolife and then stand up for the death penalty?  It happens.  Since its reinstatement in 1976, one thousand three hundred and thirty-eight men and women have been put to death.  Because they did something wrong and in some cases horrible, we opt to take their lives. How can you justify both sides of moral outrage? Advocates against gay marriage say it will lead to the downfall of society but they used the same argument against interracial marriage fifty years ago so far I do not see war in the streets.  They are not asking for your approval of their lifestyle they are just demanding the same right you are afforded, to have a happy, successful life that is recognized by law.  Again, the pursuit of happiness is a guaranteed to us.  The moral belief of religion is rooted in each of these cases.  Punishment is an eye for an eye.  You should not kill.  The church advocates a man should be the head of his household and protect his family.  Here comes the but, and it is a big one, BUT government and religion should be separate. Morality is individual and unique as religion itself.

Everyone is outraged about welfare, those receiving government benefits for healthcare, and education but yet have you ever considered that we are spending $25.7 billion dollars a year on foster care (which by the way is a train wreck) or that we are spending over $100 billion dollars alone on the treatment of children that are abused and neglected.  Here are some interesting statistics about children in foster care that affect your bottom line:

·         40,000 new infants are placed in foster care each year

·         25 percent of the individuals who end up in prison spent time in foster care

·         30 percent of all people who are homeless spent time in Foster Care

·         The average number of home placements per child is three

·         Girls in foster care are six times more likely to give birth before the age of 21

·         50 percent of foster youth are unemployed four years after leaving foster care

·         37 percent - 48 percent of foster children don't finish high school

·         Only 7 percent of foster children attend a four-year college

·         Only 1 percent of foster children graduate from a four-year college

These are staggering statistics that say to me, we have a huge conflict in this country.  We talk about the good of a child however, we are not taking their welfare into account at all.  We are standing up for a cause that is lead by the moral climate.  It is the children that are paying for our decisions. That should be self-evident.  We all say we want to help but in the end, we do not.  So where is the moral outrage for approximately 500,000 children in the foster care system? Instead of protesting a woman’s right to make a decision about her about and her future, why are we not protecting the children that are actually living, breathing, and crying out for our assistance?

It is a correct to say that a child should not be punished for the sins of the parent but neither should the victim of a vicious crime be punished because she was attacked.   It is not easy to give birth to and to raise a child that would remind you everyday of that attack. In my humble opinion, it takes a very strong, courageous woman.  Not every woman is able to do that. I feel it is unfair to ask them too. 

I have been both blessed and cursed in my lifetime with pregnancy.  When I was young, I gave birth to a daughter that I gave up for adoption.  For many years, I tried desperately to set aside any thought of her because I had no idea what happened to her and I questioned a lot if I had done the right thing.  It carried with it an incredible sense of guilt and worry.  Later, as I had my own family, she appeared in my life.  She has by all means had a good life and has great parents, for that I am very thankful but ours is one story and they do not always have positive outcomes.  Even now though, I am so aware of that relationship and I struggle to maintain a friendship without imposing upon her life.  I feel quite often as though I have failed in all directions when it comes to her.   In truth, all I have ever desired is for her to be happy, for her to have a life I could not offer her.

I do have four of my own children.  After the birth of my first son, I was diagnosed with a chronic kidney disease.  The doctors told me it would be unwise though not impossible to have more children.  They told us each time that there was a high risk of kidney failure and even possible death.  I was not a candidate for transplant due to the nature of my disease.  There option was always abortion.  I will be honest in saying this to you; I did take that option once in my marriage.  We had three kids and I was in my thirties, the risks seemed to be growing.  The medications that they had given me in hopes to put me into remission were not working. After lots of discussion and prayer, I had an abortion.  It was sad and hard.  I was depressed for a while afterwards.  Was it the right decision? Yes, I feel it was the best judgment for that time and in that space.  I would later go on to have another child four years later.  He came after my ex-husband had had a vasectomy, and we both felt it was just meant to be.  I was also then in remission for two years.  I also realized that I did not feel emotionally strong enough to deal with making the choice again.   He is a great gift even though he is mildly handicapped. 

It is hard to make a choice when you are pressured about what others believe is right and wrong.  . In my case, the alternatives were not great either way, choosing between carrying a child and being there to raise my current children.  In truth, it often felt as if it were the lesser of two evils. To this day though, I will tell you this, I am so grateful that I had the OPTION.

I hardly think my story will change too many minds on this issue but I hope you come to understand your morals and your religion are your choices.  How you apply them to your life is your CHOICE. How you would handle the situation is based on your ability to cope in every way.  As my friend, Stephen says though, “when every child has a safe home, medical insurance, the rights to a good education, food to eat, and a loving, caring environment to grow up in then in truth abortion is unfortunately necessary.”  While you may not agree, I am hoping you can learn to be less judgmental and more compassionate to others around you.  Remember, no matter what your belief system is it is personal. Try to find it in your heart, to say a prayer for compassion and understanding.  It is all anyone really wants. Condemnation only serves to further perpetuate the problem.  If you are not part of the solution then you are a part of the ongoing problem.

Telling Ourselves the Truth

                Have you ever been to a masquerade party?  There is that one person whose identity you simply cannot guess.  When the identity becomes known, you are completely astounded because your conjecture was totally off base but you say to those around you that you recognized them from the very beginning.  It is a small white lie that no one truly cares about but in the end, it makes you feel less ridiculous. Perhaps, you are the person that smiles and greets people ever so kindly then turns to the person you are with and spreads the worst gossip but you say you are being kind for business reasons.  Maybe you say you love mushroom spinach quiche because your friend just spent three hours baking it for a lunch date and you merely do not wish to hurt your feelings.  They are white lies we tell others and at the time, they do not seem so outrageous given the present circumstances.  They are all masks we hide behind to avoid dealing with unpleasantness.  They seem harmless and with time we even convince ourselves they are the truth.  The problem is that in time, every lie becomes easier to tell, especially the ones we tell ourselves.  The masks we wear every day, even with the people we love, become easier to accept as truth.   Life becomes an ongoing masquerade for some. 

          I have always heard people say truth is the easiest. I am not sure I think that is accurate.  Please, do not misread this statement. I value honesty.  However I think at times iy is more gray than people would believe and far harder to impart, even harder to heed, and far worse to comprehend. There are times we all contact people about issues and we know in our minds what we want to hear, failing to hear those things we are angry.  One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is “they just do not understand”.  They understand most of the time, they just do not see it the way we do and we needed the empathy.  Our ability to hear and discern the truth from other people is directly related in some ways to whether or not people are willing to hear us when we tell it.   I have a friend that had been going through a difficult time in her life.  I have tried to help her through it but in the end, she surrounds herself with people that will tell her what she wants them to say.  At first, I was very upset with her that she would not listen and refused to my aid. I took it very personally. However, the truth is completely gray.  She heard me, she believed I meant well, but ultimately, she was still in denial about the ugliness of it all. Denial is an extremely powerful tool. The truth cannot exist in land of denial, the only thing that thrives there is false hope. Therefore, I began to keep my advice and my thoughts to myself.  I realized that she will share her ugliness and more than likely, my advice is disregarded.

          The other night one of my many “adopted” kids had a troubling status on her Facebook page.  In it, Lindsay proclaimed that she hated that people did not trust her to handle difficult truths because they lied to her.  My reply to her was that we often lie to others not because we do not trust them but because when we are attempting to lie to ourselves, it is easiest to be convincing if we lie to others. For instance, when I am feeling totally out of control, emotional, and/or disharmonious with the world, I tell everyone I am fine.  It is not exactly a life because for me fine means f=freaked out, i=insecure, n=neurotic, e=emotional.  Since I feel those, it is not a lie right?  Wrong, it is a deception to keep everyone from asking me to share.  In my world sharing the wrong things brought about a diatribe of emotional abuse and verbal harassment about how worthless and weak I was.  When I became a single mother, I realized my children and others around me were looking for me to be the strong person they all see in me and so I bottled it all up. Occasionally, when it gets too big for my head and it affects my ability to be a reasonable, rational adult with a good filter then I share.  It is truly not a great habit. My really good friends, realize fine is not a good thing in my world and they will seek the truth.  They make it easier for me to talk it out but that is years in the making. 

I do not negate the possibility that lying to others can be about not trusting them.  I think it is entirely the possibility but the question we have to ask at that point is why they do not trust us to handle the truth.  A very common denominator in trust issues is past baggage.  The past was a great teacher but it is the gift that keeps on giving.  Sometimes those gifts are fatal to our present day growth. The immortal lie “I am over it” is another that we popularly tell ourselves.  If we were over it, if we gained a lesson from it, if we moved on, then we would all realize our present is not our past. We would pack the box store it away and move on, taking with us only a good that would feed our lives. We do not do that though.  We get it out and we talk about how it happened, we look at new friends or partners with a judgment about them as if they were the past person.  We judge others by the mistakes of those that are no longer there.  To grow and to move means you have to forgive and forget the past. The future is about something new. Remember the lessons and adopt your life to make better decisions but the rest is just unimportant baggage. 

“This time is going to be different” is another of the widely spread lies we tell ourselves.   A leopard very seldom changes its spots.  Change comes about by necessity of life that was brought on by some hardship, a terrible pain, or a personal disaster. Someone who has cheated and left but wishes to return should have to prove their desire to come back. If you enable them to come and go multiple times, then the truth is simply that they will continue it. With help, sometimes the solution may require professional assistance.  Addicts and abusers do not just change on their own no matter what they say.  It will require therapy and help.  We can change and grow.  We can adapt but usually that is the person that suffers not so much the person that has the upper hand.  Mean people usually just stay mean people. There has to be a mutual desire to fix a situation and outward action for it to change.  If only one person tries, then the outcome will be the same. Do not look for unseen benefits without effort.

How many times have you made excuses for the people you love when they hurt you? “They did not mean it”.  While not everything is on purpose, everything does involve a choice. Sometimes, unintentional outcomes may cause unexpected grief and havoc that is a fact. Nevertheless, this lie negates your own right to your own feelings.   In the end, you have just enabled the other person to have an infinite free pass to hurt you because you said in a roundabout way that your feelings do not matter.  So what if it is unintentional, it matters if it matters to you. You have to communicate your needs and feelings.  Your feelings are important.  Even those of us suffering from low self-esteem are entitled to basic human decency.  So speak up and say so and the people around you will treat you better.

How many times a day do you use the phrase “I cannot”?  That feeling of hopeless or inability stems from your poor self-esteem and fear.  To say “I cannot” somehow lets us off the hook from trying. It is much easier than charging head long into potential disaster and heartache.  No one wants to be embarrassed by his or her inabilities.  Truth is you never know until you try then try again several more times.  Being unable is one thing but as the cliché goes cannot never did try. If life were meant to be easy then there were be many more satisfied people.  It is meant to be full of trials so that we learn to balance.  When you use you the “can’t” phrase, it shifts the balance to a negative.  In order to find the positive, you have to risk.  It is in the risk we learn so much about ourselves.

My favorite (saying this sarcastically) is “they should apologize first or make the first effort”. This is the fib we use with ourselves to sustain our anger and indignation.  What difference does it make who initiates the bonding process as long as in the end we each say our piece, make amends, and grow together. Although, anger makes us say things we cannot take back and do things to hurt people. In the end they are actions and words, we cannot undo.  We all get angry. Why not just say this makes me angry.  Agree to disagree or to set it aside until you are calmer and can talk it out.  Even an ending should be thought about before acting up on it. Communication is the answer not the problem.  Who starts is irrelevant to fixing the issue.

I am the queen of procrastination.  Every day I start out saying, “I will get that done or I am going to finally going to use that something new I bought a year ago”. As much as I love to write and as much as I feel I have something to contribute, I always think there is a perfect time for it and I wait.  The fear of failure or feeling good about something keeps me paralyzed to thought that if I wait, there will be more perfect words or times.  I buy things that fill up the empty time that I have, because I am procrastinating about doing the one thing that makes me feel good about my day and about myself.  Emptiness only creates more emptiness not all the things in the world will fill it up.  Time and people are precious.  Treat them like the treasure.  It will come back to you tenfold.

I saved the whopper for the last.  They say you should save the best for last.  “I do not need anyone else, I am a rock, I can do it all by myself, I love being alone all the time” BS.  We say that because we are lonely and saying we are all good with ourselves makes it seem less as if we are lonely and less likely that people will treat us like we are desperate spinsters.  If we were meant to be all alone, we would never need more than one bedroom houses or apartments.  Get over you the melodrama; there are millions of people all over the world tonight that want mates or partners.  Go out find one, risk your heart, you will find someone. Maybe it will not last or maybe it will last the rest of your life time but you never know until you try with a positive attitude that you will find love.  It is out there waiting but the looking is up to you. 

I know that I could probably write the rest of the week and not cover all the lies we tell ourselves. These are just some the really big ones that I felt needed to be brought to light. Sometimes the truth is hard. I certainly do not want to say, I am scared, I need help, I want to be loved, I feel alone, I am angry.  They are hard whether I say them to myself or to my friends. The title of the Tyler Perry movie comes to mind, I Can Do Bad All By Myself.  It is very easy to do but often to find success and caring it takes the encouragement of others.  It starts by telling yourself the truth. It may be hard but in dealing with the REAL TRUTH, you have freed your spirit to soar to new heights.  The bad will be smaller than the good.  So be good to yourself. Look in the mirror and have a talk about the truth.  It is the first step to healing.