Turning Fifty

           

I think Franks Sinatra said it best in his song My Way.

                        “Regrets, I have had a few

                        But then again, too few too mention.

                        I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption.

                        I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway.

                        And more, much more that this, I did it my way….”

                       

           

I think while it’s true it was my way I am not sure it was all charted.  Some of those roads were a course given to me by fate.  I did the best I could.  Sometimes my best wasn’t good enough.  I have thought a lot about what I would change, or who I might have been but I keep coming back to one fact.  If any of it were different, I would not be me. 

So at fifty here are my biggest regrets

1.      I regret that I spent so much time looking for a love that I never found.  That search made me so insecure and I constantly felt I must be unworthy of being loved. It has been a hard journey to accept that I am worthy of love and that sometimes you can give away all the love in the world and it still won’t be returned.

2.      I regret that somehow or someway I didn’t find a place to have a better relationship with my daughter Rebecca.  I gave her up for adoption when I was a teenager. It was the right decision for both of us.  While, having her was hard and not the decision I would have made, I was always glad that she came into the world.

3.      I regret that sometimes I was blinded by my own pain and my journey that I missed that my friends and children were going through.

4.      I regret that didn’t do better managing money and making financial decisions because life would have been so much easier now.

5.      The biggest regret I have is not being better to me. I allowed the world to tell me I wasn’t enough and that I was less than.  It’s very hard after allowing the message to play to find a way to erase.  Astrid Alauda said it best, “The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.”

     So while they are few, I will mention them.  The grand side of life though is that I have had the great privilege to raise four children.  They all turned out with great individuality and incredible ability to love.  So while I did a thousand things wrong but I look at them and I know beyond any doubt I did a whole lot more right. 

     So for the next fifty years…  I think I will write a book about love and leave my sadness behind.  I will be more grateful for the wonderful blessings in my life.  I will appreciate time and spend it with quality. I will be more open minded, a better listener, and I will try to spend every day learning something new.  I will make more effort to spend quality time with the people I love and more picky about letting people in.  I will be better to my body.

     Life went by in a flash. Now I feel like the moments are ever so quickly slipping away.  My only wish is to make them slow down a bit so I have the time to tell the stories and pass on all the things I have stored away in my head.  I want them to understand before I go where I came from and why I chose the paths less traveled by.  Most of all, I will be more appreciative of all the love God filled my life with and less forlorn over the ones He didn't. 
     In the end,  its a number  50, granted a big number, but only a signal that its time to make the rest of life a much better path than the first part.  I have learned that only I have the power to make it better.  So I will try to make wiser decisions and do a better job. 

Talking Politics

The other day I had a long conversation with one of my dearest friends about politics.  He said to that politics isn’t personal. I have to strongly disagree; politics and religion are the most personal subjects that one can endeavor to discuss.  When a candidate uses a religious stance to back his political agenda then that makes the issue personal.  When they allow religion to dictate to the rest of the country the laws they must abide by that makes politics personal. When a politician tells his tales of woe and suffering to appeal to you for your vote, he makes it personal.  When they attempt to say their way is better than your thinking and they know best, it makes politics personal.  Everyone whether or not their opinion is based on emotion or logic or some mixture of both have definite opinions regarding the issue on the platform.  Those feelings then pass forward to the candidates they desire to back.  It is all personal choices based on your life, your family, your income, your religious beliefs, and your ability to decipher to the logic involved in each situation.  You have to choose but that choice regardless is a personal one.

I am a creative mind.  I tend to think outside the box sometimes more than others. Yes I do allow my heart to guide me in some matters but the person who says they don’t is only lying to themselves.  For the record, I am a registered Democrat but honestly I tend to vote for the person I feel best suited for the job. My politics are based on the needs, financially, emotionally, and physically of the people I care most about.  My vision of the future is based in the same place.  I do not understand now or ever why people rich or poor, white or blue collar, religious or spiritual feel they have the right to dictate to me how to think or feel on any given issue especially not ones that have such a potentially huge effect on me and on my children.

I am really very frustrated with those of you who constantly question my judgment because my opinion is not your own.  Yes, at times, I do play the devil’s advocate.  I want you to think past yourself and your bank account to the good of the many and not the few.  Sometimes the good of my few outweigh your voice, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I am wrong or stupid or naïve.  Most usually it means that I am attempting to be open minded, respectful, and consider that the future isn’t about just this moment or that person.  I am not asking you to stray from your beliefs or your principles or even to change your mind.  All I am asking is to be heard and for you to listen as patiently to my thought process as you expect me to listen to yours.

I find it horrible that candidates feel the need to build larger smear campaigns than they do platforms. It is ridiculous that there have to be fact checkers going crazy to prove or disprove the speech of anyone running for a higher office.  This election is riddled highly emotion issues and the turmoil of this economy is on everyone’s mind.  But come November, one way or another, one of them will be elected and we will still have to go on be friends and family.   I think it is high time we all realize this storm cloud too shall pass.  Tolerance and acceptance are incredible qualities that I highly value.  So I am asking you to please use them in regards to each other and to me.

Words Count!!!

Thought for the day:  Words Count!!

I realize that in the grand world of cyberspace when you can actually reach out and touch someone on the other side of the world in a matter of seconds. We don't take the time to really think about what we say and how people  perceive them.  I watch other people's blogs, Facebook posts, even post on dating sites, everyday I shake my head and wonder why in the world people would write that or hit the send button. Basic human kindness seems to be quickly becoming an antiquated notion.  Respect is just gone period.

I hear all the time people say you have to earn respect.  Is that an excuse to be disrespectful in the mean time?  How does one earn respect when they are being treated poorly by the other person involved?  Does anyone consider those things as the busy their fingers madly typing. 

For instance, I am a fluffy woman.  I am well aware of my size i see it everyday in the mirror.  So On a particular dating sight i belong I got an email saying you're a fat cow why would anyone date you????  Really that was necessary?  I watched a thread in a group i belong too form a woman dealing with low self esteem issues.  Instead of finding a positive way to help her move past her issues.  It became an attack on her because she was "stupid" for being insecure.  Really???    

Words matter.  They can hurt or heal.  Use them wisely.  There is always a way to express your opinion respectfully even if it contradictory to the thread.  Try to remember that there is a real person at the other end of the computer screen reading what you  write.  If you are having a day, be real, be honest.  

Puffins in Penguins Clothing

I recently had an interesting exchange with a dear friend of my family that told me she met her Penguin. She is a BBW and I was very excited that she had met someone but the Penguin reference really threw me off. She later explained that Penguins are monogamous and often mate for life. This man was her Penguin. I was a little skeptical having not had a great deal of good fortune in finding a partner for a while now. I teased her a bit saying well I guess I have only been meeting Puffins.

I am very fortunate to have made some incredible friendships through the lifestyle and through cyberspace. I have friends that I have known for years that I originally met online but then had the great fortune to meet in person. Even today I have truly wonderful friends, men and women, that I converse with online and on the phone that make a big impact in my life. Though I have met my share of scummy people too.

Nothing is more frustrating to me to find that I have invested my good faith and my time into even starting a relationship with a self proclaimed Penguin; only to find out he is a Puffin. Cyberspace has given people certain anonymity and for some they have used to as a release of their truly bad qualities. While the sugar and honey draws us to them, the stench of their bad behavior gives away that they are truly just Puffins hiding in Penguins clothing.

I point I guess is kind of simple. Who they are, Penguin or Puffin is really outside the realm of your control. Once you truly recognize the reality, what you do, submissive or Dominant is up to you. It isn't a reflection on you if they are Puffins. I think in the face of the anarchy provided in cyberspace it is a triumph of the human spirit that it can still seek to trust, still desires to find love, and still seeks to take the leap of faith. So I guess the message while a bit long winded, is simply this don't let the Puffins contain your spirit. You gain nothing if you risk nothing. Take the leap there is a penguin somewhere that is looking for you too.

Just my humble thought....