This past few
week, I was confronted with a couple of small calamities. In the grand scheme of life neither was life
threatening but in a world of limited financial resources they seemed for a bit
overwhelming. My daughter had a car accident.
A deer jumped in front of her and neither the animal nor the car fared
very well, she did a miraculous job of keeping control and avoiding do harm to
herself and her passenger. The aftermath however was how do we pay the
deductible? We had originally gotten
insurance much like she had when her father was paying the bill. I had not even considered that one day she
would be faced with paying the bill.
Then my son adds in the midst of the confusion that his XBOX won’t
work. He was very insistent that I give
his problem its due diligence. While
obviously the XBOX is not the same financial pressure as the car, they are both
bills I cannot afford on my limited budget.
In
all fairness to them both, they were asking for help and understanding not
really holding out their hands expecting them to be filled with cash. As the parent, though, I struggled through
this whole sense of shame that I am unable to provide for them simple basic
things that most people have today. After they went to bed I sat crying,
feeling desperately sorry for myself and feeling overwhelming stuck in a life
that always seems to be on the verge of falling apart. I get up I pay the
bills, I buy the groceries, and with what little is left I try to put some away
or spend a bit on the things we need. It
seems like there is never that sweet moment when I have enough to fulfill all
the needs on the list though. My mood
was further complicated when my ex husband asked if I was going to help her pay
the deductible. While it was an innocent question, it only made me feel more
inadequate to know hat in truth I did not have the resources to dedicate at
this moment. I need to work and to do that I need to finish my degree and to do
that I need more financial resources and to have that I need to work. So round and round, we go where we stop no
one knows. Why because it never stops or
at least in my desperation it felt that way.
I
sat looking at my newsfeed the next day.
All the people posting how we should cut welfare, we should not pay for
healthcare, we should not raise minimum wage.
Without even realizing, I had begun to cry again. My darling son Jesse came in and gave me this
huge hug and asked me not to cry. In his sweet, naïve way, he made me see the
world in a completely different way. Now, just in case, you are new to my
world, I will add this note. Jesse is mildly handicapped. He has spent most of his life being at least
50% delayed in his mental and educational development. At eighteen he is my gentle giant whose
attitude always amazes me. He said to
me, “Mom, do not cry. I know you are worried but you shouldn’t, we are
incredibly blessed. We live such a life
of privilege.” I was mumbling some
apology about money and his XBOX and trying to say I would fix it when I could
or find another and here is my son telling me we live a life of privilege.
When
I finally managed to get over the tears, I asked him to explain to me why he
said that. Now usually that is like
asking a two year old to explain quantum physics but I hoped he could answer
with some semblance of thought that would help me understand. For him it was simple. We have a nice, clean
place to live. It is not grand but as he said we aren’t living in a card board
box in an alley. He said we have food
enough to eat and there are people that have none. He said so what if I have to tuna casserole
and meatloaf at least it is warm food and we aren’t starving. He said we
electricity and heat. I have a cell
phone, a mini computer, and an IPod. He said that seems like a lot of privilege
to me. He said so what if the XBOX is not working, it just leaves more time to
play cards and board games.
I
said, “But you have so much stuff at your Dad’s house and I feel bad when I
can’t give you those things too.”
He
shrugged, “Yes, I do and I like them but they are things. They don’t love me back. They don’t take my
calls in the middle of the day when bullies are picking on me and make me feel
better. Dad hasn’t played a board game
with me in years. So at your house, I feel privileged.” Out of the mouth of babes!!!!!
Later
that night he and I were watching a PBS special on the Amish. In it, an Amish
farmer explained that the English live a life based on things that begets greed
to have more things, more money, and better things than the neighbor… He
explained that the English spend their lives in search of selfish goals based
on consumerism whereas they (the Amish) work towards community. They concern
themselves with building something that benefits the whole not the individual. It struck a chord in me.
It
was later strengthened when a friend on Facebook allowed me to give her some
advice to help her with her family life.
She told me that had not really expected me to listen or to allow her to
vent let alone spend time offering some helpful solutions. Once again I was struck again by the
blessings I have and had not even realized.
Yes,
while it is true, I have not the answer to fixing the XBOX, we have managed to
cover her deductible. While yes, I am still going round and round. I know that
each time I circle I get a bit closer to the end of the ride because nothing
lasts forever. No, I do not have all the
things I want but I do have most everything I truly need. I have great friends and family that support
me and love me. I have friends and
family that allow me to vent even though I know they have junk of their own
they are dealing with too. I am able to
help others find solutions in their lives or make suggestions that enable them
to help themselves. I have a safe, warm
home for my children. Sometimes we have
to make due, but then when we finally get there we are so grateful for the
achievement. So yes I have a life of
privilege. I have had the distinct pleasure to stay at home and be the person
that they called when they were in trouble or needed a friend. I am still the person they call for
advice. I was thinking this week as my
daughter was out babysitting her father’s little kids, what a great joy that
she calls me every day, sometimes multiple times. Although, I know she gets
frustrated with me, when I (S) mother her too much at twenty-two she calls and
texts every day. I know what is going on
with her life and she listens to my advice.
That is HUGE. I have an
incredible young man that truly reminds me everyday what loving is all about.
He has been a hard child with all his complications but the rewards are so
beyond measure. I have dear friends that tell me truths that I do not want to
hear but know I need too anyway. I am
blessed with words that flow onto pages when some find it hard to write a
sentence. I can create worlds and work
in clouds. I have friends that have
taught me to see world’s plight and how not to contribute to it. At the end of the day, there are problems I
do not have answers for yet but I believe they will come. I have faith that
keeps me grounded in love and charity. I truly have a life of privilege.
There
are so many things I can say are wrong but when all is said and done. I am so
glad I have my life. I am excited to
have a conversation with Barb over kids, life, and craziness. She makes me feel
productive and useful. My heart smiles when someone says why aren’t
you writing your blog because I know that they read it. It makes me want to do
more, write more. It clears away the fog
of all those insignificant people’s opinions and self doubts that say I have
failed because I do not have the newest and the best of all those things.
I
think the Amish farmer has a correct thought. We spend entirely too much time
being bitter about what we are giving up. We spend too much time dwelling on
hate and selfishness. We spend too much
thought resenting being forced to help others. We worry too much about getting
more and making more. We fight too hard
to about every little penny. We have forgotten
the value of charity. The simple truth is we should be grateful we can help. We
should see the blessing in the fact that some small sacrifice made some one
else’s life a little easier for awhile.
Yes, I am sure that there are people that abuse the system but that is
true of humanity, rich and poor. I do
not resent those others have more, but like anyone else I just do not want
anyone to make my life harder. I
sometimes just need a little help. Show
me one person that says, they never do and I will be happy to show exactly what
denial looks like.
Life
is the balance of enough. You have to have enough pain that you can truly
understand joy. You have to have enough
tears so that you can appreciate the laughter.
You have to enough patience that you can understand achievement. You have to have enough hardship to
understand the privilege.
I have had lots of money and
right now I do not, but regardless I still have a life of privilege because I
understand enough.
PS. Jesse, Sorried me and went on to win the game. He said, ”Sometimes you are just more
privileged than other.” That is ever so
true!
